ROY. SANGWOO. KIM.

AND HERE IT IS, ROY KIM'S WINNING SONG! WOOHOO A SPECIAL POST JUST FOR ROY KIM, THE WINNER OF SSK4!

Hehe I've been watching Superstar K4 diligently from the 2 contestants who caught my eye- Jung Junyoung and Roy Kim.

Yoo Seungwoo, the talented 15 year old kid who has this awesome voice and a talent to kill! Jung Junyoung, the 4D uljjang rocker who never fails to charm the audience with his performances, and Roy Kim (HE'S MY AGE OH GOD), the Umchin (The mum's friend's son)with the ability to take on any genre and make it his own!

YSW was the first fav of mine to be eliminated and I WAS ASTOUNDED. RIDICULOUS. THAT KID HAS PURE AMAZING TALENT OK.

I didn't expect JJY to go far even though he really excelled in his genre- rock. But that was ALL that he sang, rock songs! But he really amazed me by making it to the Top 3!

And Roy. WHOAAA ROY KIM. He was an audience favourite from the beginning, with his good looks, sweet voice, and the fact that his father was rich roflmao. Initially, he almost failed his first audition if not for one of the judges (Lee Haneul) who used his Superpass (a pass that allows the judge to pass a contestant no matter what). So yeah he made it through!

But again, he was eliminated halfway BUT was given ANOTHER chance. And he improved and gained the hearts of the people and eventually made it to TOP 2 BABY!

I really didn't expect him to win because his rival, Dickpunks, had their own thing going on, they had their own style which was really different and they had 4 heads- the more heads, the more creative your performances will be, no?

But he proved me wrong and ROY KIM WON OH MY GOD I was bawling while watching the whole thing live on the internet haha!

And of course, a plus point for Roy is that he can speak English after living in the US for a while. It's so charming ok, a handsome face that can speak good English. PLUS he has abs. He's a bit short, like half a head shorter than JJY. OH AND HIS KOREAN NAME IS SANGWOO. HAHAHAHAHAHA I've always found that name very nice. Tops my list if I ever marry a Korean LOLOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHA in my dreams right?

OK ANYWAY CONGRATULATIONS ROY KIM! YOU DESERVE IT!! I SHALL LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR SPECIAL STAGE FOR MAMA2012 OK!! You are an angel for donating all your winning money to charity even though i can sniff that someone (/coughjungjunyoungcough/) isn't too happy because he initially wanted DP to win bcos they promised they'd buy a house with the winning money so they can all live tgt xD

I'll miss this man. The SSK4 family. Roy, JJY, YSW, DP members they all were super close after living tgt in the dorm. Roy even slept tgt with the DP members the night before their last performance bcos he was so nervous haha. And of course, the 2 kids who became bestfriends after being paired up during the rival mission- Jung Junyoung and Roy Kim. These 2 click so well even though their personalities are polar opposites.

JJY the 4D rebellious charming one and Roy the kind but can sometimes be nerdy one. It's amazing how close they've become haha and their voices compliment each other so well with their 2 duets that OWNED the music charts after it was released officially.

Alrighty, just a short post to show you all how happy I am he won HAHAHA. BACK TO RUNNING MAN (LEE SEUNGGI FTW)

FINALLY AN UPDATE :))

Assalamualaikum!

FINALLY sparing some time to update! /blows away spiderwebs

Haha!

Life's been busy, so many things to do, so many thoughts in my mind (all either school related or SAO related or SSK4 related).

Okay, for starters, I am on a diet.

Yes yes, me, the food lover, who can't go off a day without snacking something sweet, am on a diet. I'm not so strict, as long as I eat under a determined number of calories, I'm fine with eating snacks and all. But the thing is, after doing it for a week, you just naturally steer away from the oily food because it just doesn't look and taste as appetizing as it used to. Wow.

I'm also exercising, starting small of course. Twice (or thrice if I can spare some time on weekdays) a week, 1 hour of exercise. I like to jump rope haha so I've been doing that. It's actually quite fun really, especially if you have awesome upbeat songs to play while you exercise. If you get sore halfway you can just bounce and jump along to the music (I TOTALLY RECOMMEND JJ PROJECT'S BOUNCE AND BLOCK B'S NILLILI MAMBO TO DANCE TO HAHA)

Don't misunderstand, it's not because of peer pressure or anything and I do actually get a lot of teasing comments how I'll get fat if I continue eating like how I usually do. I get it A LOT. I'd be lying if I say I didn't take some to heart but me taking this initiative to be on a diet is totally unrelated.

SO WHY AM I DIETING???

No, I'm not overweight =_= I've never been overweight okay.

There's only one reason. NAPFA.

We were told that we are going to be forced to take NAPFA in Y3S2 next year and it totally freaked me out. Because the seniors were told the bombshell too and they were super shocked. And for me, someone who has been in a private school all my life, who has never taken NAPFA before.... Culture shock man.

So yeah, that's all.

Some other updates, I don't think I blogged about this but I went for a minor surgery to remove a cyst on my face roflmao costed A LOT. I think the amount totaled to roughly $600? But it included the ointment to heal the scar on my face as much as possible ah. Plus it's a private dermatologist. And their service was amazing. Very friendly people, the nurse actually held my hand throughout (because my parents went shopping while this was happening =_=) and we chatted normally while waiting for the wound to stop bleeding. And they were really considerate about me wearing tudung, saying it's okay if I still want to use my serkop (inner scarf), and carefully putting my tudung on a bed before I went for the surgery. Yeah. Super nice!

Some more updates, hmm. School? Yeah projects are driving me crazy. Number one because of our main module, Public Education and Communications. Where we have to plan a programme and execute it as a whole class. It's really tiring and requires a lot of creative thinking eg how to publicize, what to do for the programme etc. I chose to be in the programme group, planning the things to do for the whole event. It's been okay though only I really feel the pressure. Really scared it won't be successful. Because right now, the way I see it, everything is just... incomplete. Not satisfying. But there's only so much I can do to make things right so I'm just leaving the rest to those who are responsible for it in the meantime.

Number two is the normal projects. 3 other modules. Our group has only 4 people (because one of my groupmates is actually taking a break from school because of some issues) so the burden is huge. So many things to do. Other groups have 5/6 members and we only have 4. Trying to do my best to make up for it but yeah. Still holding on. This semester, group projects aren't as fun as they used to be. School isn't fun at all like this OTL

Attachment next semester really isn't making school any better either.

Oh well. Just really trying my best and leaving the rest up to Allah. If I do my best, and I know that I did my best, that's enough isn't it? It's the things that I gain during the journey that matter, not the results. Because in the end, life is only temporary and the thing that really matters is how hard you've worked for the afterlife, because THERE. THEN you'll be able to bask in the wonderfulness of Allah's creations because you know that you've worked hard for it, and you deserve it.

Okay so there's something that I thought of suddenly while talking to a friend of mine.

Would a guy be jealous if his gf had many guy friends? Or,
Would a girl be jealous if his bf had many girl friends?

Okay not necessarily many friends of the opposite sex, maybe even just one close friend that's of the opposite sex.

I don't know if I'm just really rational in relationships or I'm just oblivious to these kind of stuff because I've never been in a relationship but... I don't care. Why?

Think of it this way, if they have been friends for a long time, or maybe they're just naturally good friends it means that they, at some point rely on each other. For comfort, companionship, fun etc. It's what makes a friendship, a friendship you see. You can't be friends with someone if you don't feel comfortable with them. And I'm talking about the deep kind of friendship okay not those oh-im-your-classmate-thus-im-your-friend kind of thing.

So, if you think of it rationally, do you even have the right to interfere when for example the girl has a problem and relies on the guy for help, because they are friends. Friendships are really sacred in that way, in my opinion. You can't get in the way of friends even if you're the guy's girlfriend. You're not his wife. If you are then that's a totally different thing. But you guys aren't even tied officially, so who are you to restrict him from helping someone he cares about?

I'm not totally ignoring the feelings that might be involved in this process. It's natural to feel jealous. It's natural to feel angry. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel those emotions, it's part and parcel of being in a relationship. But to not approve or to kick up a big fuss about it is just, in my opinion, RIDICULOUS.

And, if you're confident that your gf really likes you, then there shouldn't be a problem there would it? Relationship is all about trust. No matter what crap rumors you hear or whatever people tell you, you should trust your partner. No matter how painful the process might be. Because that's what keeps a relationship going strong. It might be really torturous but it's pointless if you keep it all in instead of telling your partner how you feel because it won't help with anything. It's like a ticking bomb. You end up keeping it all inside and one day, EVERYTHING will burst and ruin everything that you've worked for. It will destroy a relationship.

Just my 2 cents about this issue haha I think I should become a marriage therapist or something HAHA. I tend to be very rational about relationship issues. But god knows how I will fair when I myself am in a relationship.

Alright then, that's the end of a long post to make up for the spiderwebs in this blog haha! Jiayou to those having exams! Press on! Mine isn't until Feb hehe still can not revise at home hehehe. Ok bye!

Second

Oleh itu, anak tengah juga cuba untuk melakukan yang terbaik bagi diri mereka tanpa mengharapkan bantuan orang lain.

Always, always me. The stereotype of a second child. Basically means that we try our best for ourselves without the help of others.

Just a short update, assalamualaikum.

Going over to Johor tmr after school. Then the next day dad'll send us to school from Johor. Troublesome right? You don't know half of it.

Alrighty. Happy hari raya haji everyone!

School!

Assalamualaikum!

YES IT'S THE WEEKENDS! Ok I am so shagged right now. Y2S2 is by far the most tiring semester so far. First week and we were bombarded with presentations to be done by week 8, a school-wide event that we have to plan by week 9, and 2 2000word assignments to be handed in in week 12 I think. But by far, the most tiring on is definitely the event. No introduction no nothing, suddenly told to plan an event. Whoaaa shocked man, I was shocked.

The 3rd and 4th day of school, I went home in such a tired condition and just plopped onto the floor when I reached home and slept there. Without any pillows or blanket or even carpet. I just hope I can cope this semester. Week 2 onwards I'll be super busy with projects.

It's actually quite expected lah, because after all this is done, next up will be ATTACHMENT. God knows how scared I am. I just hope I'll get what I want because I won't have the opportunity to experience it in Y3 bcos then my attachment would be with me sponsored VWO.

Okay so my aim for this semester is just, to do well. Just do my best lorh. Not for the sake of good grades but for the sake of wisdom and knowledge that I'll have gained by then.

Alrighty, just a short update, shall start on projects now. I'm in Johor btw. Sent my aunt to Hajj ytd night and went straight to Johor after that. Reached here at around 12+ lol my eyes could barely open when I prayed and did my daily skincare regime lolol

Ok bye!

Mistakes

Assalamualaikum!

Just a short update before I start to prepare for sleep. School starts tomorrow! I can't say that I'm looking forward to it but I'm not dreading it either. It's just that my priorities have changed ever since that incident and I'm a bit confused on how to begin the semester.

What exactly has changed?

I always went to school with the strong will to excel, to get good grades, to succeed in life. Mostly to get good grades because I've been brought up, and taught that grades matter a lot in life. So that was my sole reason why I do my hardest to excel. But I forgot something. Something so important.

I should've came to school with a mindset, a mindset that I am going to school for the sake of Allah. Study for the sake of Allah. Study for the sake of Him, to become a better person for Him. Study because it's considered Jihad fi Sabilillah. I totally forgot about it! I feel so shameful now to not have had that mindset since the beginning. I realized that was my mistake. It would've been easier on me if I'd had that mindset from the beginning, so that if I'd fail again, I'd know that I did my best, FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH.

I personally think that was a huge mistake of mine. So now that a new semester is beginning, I'll start to alter my mindset to that. It's going to be a bit difficult to constantly remind myself so that I won't be too engulfed in studies but I'll try.

How did I come to the conclusion that that was my mistake? I read a post somewhere, or a tweet, I forgot. That this man wasted his life, earning money, living a good life but he still wasted it. Why? Because he didn't do it for the sake of Allah. He did it for the sake of living a good life. But why does that matter? Life is only temporary! You have to work hard for the afterlife, because that's where you'll stay forever after you die. How much money you have, how good your life was, things like that don't matter! What matters is of course, all the good that you've done in your life, how good of a servant you were to Allahh SWT. THAT
S WHAT THAT MATTERS!

It's going to be difficult no doubt, what isn't! But I will try my best, maybe I'll write it down somewhere. My motto used to be "God never sends us more than we can handle" (as stated in another post) but now it's "Fi Sabilillah (For the sake of Allah)". Of course, the old motto still works just that I'm prioritizing this one first. Okay. I said that this was going to be a short post, so I'll stick to it hehe. I'm happy that I managed to post sth beneficial, finally, after so long of posting meaningless posts haha!

Alrighty then! Good night!

10.10. 2012

Disappointment. Early in the morning and I felt so disappointed. Feel so sorry to my friends whom I spent the rest of my birthday with because I wasn't totally in a birthday mood.

And I don't feel like writing it down here because I've had enough of crying when I tweeted about it.

Today was SUPPOSED to be a special day that comes once a year. My birthday. But yeah, ending the day on a sad note. 5 more minutes to midnight.

2 more days!

I feel better nowadays.

Of course, the solution to such feelings of emptiness is always the same. It has always been the same. It's really regretful how I keep straying from the right path but I shall try my best to get back on the train every time.

One more week left to holidays :( Back to school after that. Idk how to react honestly, still have that remaining feelings towards studies ever since the incident. A bit traumatized yeah. Will I still have the same drive? I don't know. Mum's advice really helped though, toned the stress down a bit.

Wishful thinking. Is it really worth it? I gave some advice to someone recently and I can't seem to use it for myself hah. Is it really okay to keep your hopes up, and when it doesn't happen, you get so disappointed. But you still do it again and again and again. Because the future is indefinite and the scenario is not one where  it's totally impossible to happen, thus there IS a chance of it happening. But, idk.

I've been obsessed with online shopping again haha, now that I found a bunch of sellers who sell good quality long sleeved shirts, I've been spending nonstop, to the point that every time an email comes stating that my order is being shipped, I don't even remember which order was it hehe. But it's okay, school is starting soon and I do need the additional clothes. And pants. And other cosmetic products hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Oh oh my birthday is coming soon! Unlike other years I actually have neutral feelings about it haha mostly because the number.. the number.. nineteen.... T_____T I don't want to grow up. I want to be like Shawn. HAHAHAHA. But yeah. Nvm just wait and see.

My ankle is still in pain! Haha a stupid mistake I made during work. Was playing around with the trolley with Liyana when it suddenly stopped and hit my ankle. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN. It's swollen but no bruise which I find weird haha but it doesn't hurt now unless I touch it. YES TOUCH. EVEN THE LIGHTEST BRUSH WILL HURT.

Alright, last day of work today! Shall get ready~ Bye!

Untitled

You know what? Sometimes, life just really really sucks beyond belief. Life is not life when at one point every single thing that matters is against you and you can't help but feel so depressed that you just want to stop trying all together.

But life goes on doesn't it? Even though sometimes you don't want it to because it hurts, so much, to try to move on and live another day.

I think I've lost half my soul after all this. I don't feel like I'm me anymore. So depressed and pathetic. No longer optimistic and trying my best. All of it down the drain, sayonara, goodbye. Because it doesn't matter anymore. Because I feel like this is my limit- the limit to what I can do. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I force myself to be better, 여기서 끝이다. 여기밖에 못할것 같아.

It's so tiring, draining to work hard only to realize that this is all that you could do. Even if I worked my ass off, my capabilities end here.

Yeah, I've told people about what I've been feeling lately and they've given advices, good advices but idk, it just doesn't work anymore. I'm in a horrible slump right now. Nothing works. Nothing makes me happy like before (okay I lied, I still adore U-kiss and they've got this thing for making me happy. But others don't. Hell, even TVXQ's comeback news didn't lift my mood and I AM A CASSIOPEIA OKAY. But more on the JYJ side roflmao what, the most good-looking, the best singer and the best actor all transferred to JYJ okay, my heart was shaken! Anyways, #aktf, JYJ is still TVXQ so there's that) and yeah. Nothing works. I keep wanting to give up. Coop myself up in a room and watch Psych all day.

Oh god, since when did I become so pessimistic?

Oh yeah. Since then.

Rant

This is a ranting post.

I am officially this close to exploding. Of what? Of anger. To who? My grandmother.

Okay so here's the thing. As you get older, you are bound to be involved in things that will take up your time until late night. And currently I'm at that stage of going home late because of events, wanting to work overnight to gain extra money. But this grandmother of mine just refuses to let us study till late, work till late. Her reason why? E.g. when I said I'll be working overnight for some nights she told me I didn't need to work, like parents didn't give me enough money. If we go home late she will complain and nag to my mother, my father, my sisters, EVERYONE IN THE HOUSEHOLD every few minutes.

I know you all might think this is normal. BUT SHE DOES IT EVERY SINGLE TIME FOR YEARS NOW AND I CAN'T FIND THE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH HER. Because when she starts nagging, she will relate it to how we all don't love her anymore and we all don't care about her anymore. WHERE THE HELL IS THE LINK BETWEEN GOING HOME LATE AND NOT LOVING HER??

I appreciate her concern, really but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I want to study, I want to work and she will NOT be a barrier against me and what I want to do. Hell, my parents allow so why should i consider her nagging? Like I care. Day by day she is getting more irritating and I honestly cannot stand to be in her presence already.

Mom keeps telling me to ignore her but I am doing my best to just shut the hell up when she's nagging but oh my god it makes me even more hateful towards her when she goes on and on. She just cannot understand that I'm growing up and that there are things that I have to do. I can't be under her freaking shell forever. She thinks that the moment we step out of the house there are criminals waiting on standby to rape me. WHAT THE HELL.

I don't want to hate her. I really don't. But if this goes on, one day I will just agree with her when she says that we don't love her anymore.

.....

Assalamualaikum.

It's STILL the holidays. Rotting myself away watching dramas. Getting tired of it though but then again, I'm too lazy to go out. And since one of my plans was... well cancelled, the more free I am now.

The thing I don't like the most about holidays is that you have too much time. And when you have too much time, you start to think a lot. When you start to think a lot, you get depressed. And that's the state I'm in.

I am not depressed about anything in particular but idk I'm just feeling so on edge. Like something is missing. I don't feel.. at ease. AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY NOT KNOWING WHY. I feel like just hiding under my blankets and never coming out.

In addition to that, something happened that cancelled my whole holiday plans and I am so disappointed and sad right now and I just can't get over it. Yes, I know there has to be a hikmah behind it but I just can't seem to grab the fact that it happened, and I'm still grieving over it. "Get over it" I keep telling myself but it's easier said than done. To have something that you were looking forward to for months to crash and burn in mere minutes is really quite painful- emotionally.

And of course I'm distracting myself by burying myself in dramas and shows and animes. And this one anime really did the job well haha for a full 20+ minutes I managed to not get depressed and screamed my ass off cos the new episode release was SO EPIC. THE WHOLE EPISODE WAS EPIC. From the duel to the almost death to the proposal. IT HAD ME LEGIT-LY SCREAMING FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE. I AM NOT KIDDING. IF ITS NOT SCREAMING IT WAS ALMOST TEARING MY HAIR OFF MY HEAD.

Alrighty because of that I had a jolt of adrenaline rush so now I'm too high to sleep shall find something to do haha good night!

Short update

Assalamualaikum!

So heyy. It's Saturday night! Well yes, I gave the auditions a miss of course and went for a bunch of open houses. Ate a lot. Met an old friend. Basically distracting myself. Nothing much happened. Still have a bunch of schedules the next week. And hopefully I won't run out of money haha been spending a lot so I do also hope I get edward's job.

Anyway, this is just an update to.... update. 

My left knuckle is bruised and the incident which I got it is actually quite funny. To cut the story short, I was watching Reply 1997, and Siwon was pissing me off, so (as usual I overreacted) I started to slam the table andddddd punch the wall. So yeah. The punching of the wall bruised my knuckles haha. YES I CAN OVERREACT THAT MUCH TO DRAMAS OK. I will get so pissed until I will shout and yell or so sad that I will cry for hours or so happy that I'll do cartwheels HAHAHA. But not scared to the point that I'll pee in my pants lah of course HAHAHAHA Maybe just... scream and shout....?

Ok off to the last open house of the day and off to Johor insya allah since we haven't been there for a long time. Dl-ing animes and dramas now HAHA 

Adios!

Azlin

Auditions.... WHAT?

Oh my god. I just got the shock of my life. I don't know whether to laugh or cry HAHA.

So, at 4:51pm today on the 27th of August 2012, I got a call from an unknown number. I picked it up since it was a handphone number and it didn't seem weird. So.... yeah.

THEN I WAS TOLD THAT I GOT THROUGH TO THE SECOND ROUND OF AUDITIONS FOR TVN KPOP STARHUNT SEASON 2.

Then I was like.... you sure or not? But I never say lah, so I just let the lady say out all these information regarding the second round of auditions being on this Saturday, about only being able to sing for one minute without any background song, my audition is in the morning and whatever stuff. And I was still.. o____o

Okay so here's the thing. There's this app called Kpop holic where people can upload clips of them singing and have people rate it and post comments etc and they provide the vocal-less version of the music and all. And yeah, I use it quite often but the hype only lasted like 2 weeks and I stopped using it after that. So yeah there's this one song that I thought, hey I actually sound decent here, so let's send it to tvn kpop starhunt just for fun. Of course, I never put my face lah, I wanted them to judge without knowing how I look. Ok so there were reasons why I didn't take the whole thing seriously.

#1: I don't want to become a singer. HAHA. I just, LIKE, singing. And a lot.
#2: My video didn't get much views and there were no comments at all and no one even liked/disliked it ROFLMAO
#3: My video.. was like an mp3 HAHA. It was just a picture of the album cover.
#4: The audio sucked AHAH It had my little brother laughing and talking in the background
#5: I actually asked a person who made it through the top 10 for the previous season of this competition if they'd spare my video a watch since the video is actually just of a picture of the album cover. And she said most likely, NO.

So why, might you ask, did I even send in the video? People kept saying that I was a decent singer but mostly they were my close friends so I didn't really believe them to a certain extent. So I wanted to find out if strangers would think the same way, and to find out am I even THAT good to even pass an audition. So yeah, I sent it in.

AND I GOT THROUGH. HAHA. Actually I think its just the top 100? So there's like 99 other people who  are better than me HAHAHAHH.

I don't know whether to laugh because it was really an impromptu thing and my application was so bare and uninteresting or cry because I'm letting such an opportunity to be wasted. The top 10 will actually get sent to Korea for intensive vocal training, dance training, UNDER CUBE ENTERTAINMENT which hosts popular kpop stars like Beast, 4minute, GNA, BTOB. I totally don't care about the training part lah, I never had the slightest thought of being a singer or to sing in public but I'm more sad I can't go Korea and meet the cube artists HAHA. I'm more sorry to those people who auditioned seriously and could have made it through if this one idiot who was never serious in the first place never even applied.

So yeah. This was one hell of an experience HAHA. But I'm very firm with the decision that I will not go to the next round of auditions. I know that some people say that as a girl, I shouldn't be singing and showing off my voice to people who are not my mahram. Some even say that singing is haram. I should be educated enough to not do that. It's just that I REALLY LIKE SINGING. It takes my mind off things. It really makes me happy! But as a hobby ONLY. There is in no way possible that I'm going to audition to become a singer. I just wanted to know if I was good at my hobby HAHA. And because it's like online auditions and I can easily send in my video. That's one of the reasons why I actually sent my video in hahahaha.

This feeling is just like when I won those tickets for singapore idol season 2 finals HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA. It those things where you really need luck to get.

Okay so yeah just wanted to rant about it here. I actually heard someone else who sang the same song as me and auditioned for the same thing and i thought that she did waaay better than me so i wonder if she got through haha.

Anyway, this was such an experience. I don't know what I can learn from it but haha I guess it's more of a memorable experience rather than one that i can actually learn from. What I'm sure of, is that i won't come for the next round of auditions. Full stop. Maybe wanying can pose as me and dance instead. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

I shouldn't think of it much though since it's only top 100 hahahahahahahaha it's nothing man. Oh well. An experience to remember. I'm done with exams and am now lepak-ing to the fullest at home watching dramas. And now I shall continue. Adios. I shall screencap the email the people will send me and post it here hahahahahhahahaa. Ok bye!

Life is hard

Something happened during exams on Tuesday that made me so disappointed in myself and so sad even now. I'm not gonna mention it here but lets just say it was a stupid mistake on my part.

It is affecting me to the point that i have 0 motivation for the following exams and it'll definitely take a toll on my grade. But, for the first time, i don't care. I actually gave up on my goal for this sem. Yes i'm still working hard for my other exams but not as hard as before because i am so emotionally and physically exhausted because of what happened. I am in such a numb state right now that its freaking myself out.

Yes I've put it behind me, I can't do anything else but no, I am still grieving over it. Because grades matter to me a lot. It proves how hard I've worked for it. But to have it spoiled just like that without even making the effort.. It really sucks.

I'm not clever. I just tend to work really hard for things that matter to me.

I guess one of the reasons i made the mistake was because i was tired. I slept at like 3/4 to finish up revision because i went visiting during the day. Its freaking hari raya and i am not sacrificing the visits that we only make yearly. So instead, i sacrificed my sleep which caused dire results because my body is not used to sleeping so late and waking up early. Culture shock? And maybe that's why i was so tired when doing the exam, leading to me making that mistake.

But ah, idk. Its difficult for me to move on because i still need to study for other papers and i have no time to spend for myself, to sort my thoughts out etc.

I'm tired. Exhausted. One of these days i think ill just collapse because my body won't be able to handle all these stress.

I just don't know.

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Not alone

Assalamualaikum :D

It's been a while since I've updated! I've been busy cramming for exams lately. So many things to study but I'm on track. Study schedule planned out, first level of revisions mostly done. And I actually finished studying Marketing a week before the upcoming test! SO PROUD OF MYSELF. The following days, I'll just try to puke out everything that I can remember on a blank piece of paper to refresh the knowledge.

There's no school today! After I complained to Saras about Wednesday being totally pointless because there's only one period of presentation by another group, she pushed back the presentation to the day after so TADAH! I'm at home and self-care-ing xD Intended to study but the laptop got the better of me. Plus I had the liberty of sleeping in so.... I finally got out of bed at like.... 1pm? HAHA.

It's fasting month already and so far so good. I admit, I haven't been doing a lot of ibadah since it started because I'm so caught up with studying for exams :( Because every semester, no, every exam, I make it a point to study really hard, pushing aside everything else- outings, anime, mangas etc. And in this case, even extra ibadah. But I really do hope that my studying will also be considered as ibadah. Wallahu A'lam.

This Friday marks the end of my presentations! YAY! It's programme planning and we're supposed to do a reflection about it. I plan to go scriptless since it's just talking about what we planned and I know everything by heart. But it's still in the works, planning what to present now.

So far, life's been good. School is back to awesome :D Since I've passed those projects-saturated weeks, I'm more happy now hehe. A burden off the shoulders!

I do feel like I'm distancing away from someone. But then again, I've never been too attached to someone. Honestly. Okay, once. In early sec school. But after I transferred schools and went to poly and yada yada yada, I can honestly say that right now, I'm not attached to anyone. Not the boyfriend-girlfriend type but the close-friend-whom-you're-always-talking-to type.

I know, I've always been very.. independent. I don't rely on anyone on anything. Personal problems- I make it a point to not burden other people with it and handle it on my own. NEVER have I been to someone, asking for help because of personal problems. That's why people always see me as happy, problem-free. But in reality, I do have issues sometimes but I guess I hide it well. Something about my classmates is that when someone is having problems, YOU CAN SEE IT. You can sense it. You will definitely know because there's this 180 degrees change in the person's attitudes. But for me, I don't think so. I hide it. And that's why I'm not attached to anyone.

Even if I feel like someone is distancing away from me, I don't really mind because the person has the rights to spend more time with other people that she cares for. But of course, for those who have been super close with the person, I can totally understand how it'll hurt them.

It's sort of sad actually. This situation I'm in. I don't really make the effort even to get close with anyone. And that's why I rarely text and call people roflmao. Like...... forever alone! I don't know whether I'm scared of getting too attached or just plain lazy to make the extra effort... HAHAHA. I think it's the latter HAHAHAHAH.

This struck me hard because I remember somewhere in this sem someone asked everyone like who is the person that you'd go to when you have problems and I'm there like.... No one. And I felt nothing about it. Not lonely or anything. It's just how I roll. The most is I'd write it down in my diary.

Ahhh my diary. I write in it ONLY when I have problems. And after writing I'd feel okay already. Like I've unleashed everything and locked it in there for no one to read. And... that's why my diary doesn't have that many entries HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA.

But so far I'm thankful for the fairly peaceful life I've been living. Yes, I've been through some major ups and downs but I learned from them and thanked them for making me who I am now. And I went through all those ups and downs alone so I'm used to it.

I think it's been like this since I was small. My sister isn't much of a support for me, especially since I was the rebellious kid who was always getting scolded and slapped around. I won't call it abuse lah but I still remember the slaps and drags I'd gotten over the years. But all those times, I self-regulated myself with no support from anyone. And since small as in since, what, K2? I think my way of thinking matured very fast because of that. I'd feel a lot of strong emotions but at every point I'd always have a self-talk in my head and calmed down on my own.

And yeah, again, it's like... a sad situation. Because all those dramas, novels etc that I've read/watched, people always had this person that they could go to if they had problems. They'd hug the person, talk to the person and they'll feel better. Frankly, I'm jealous.

But I do have someone that I go to if something gets too overwhelming. And that's Allah. I'd sujud during prayers and let out all my sorrows to Him and ensure myself that everything is happening for a reason. Countless times I've bowed down to Allah and cried because I was so messed up. And for all those times, I came out stronger.

Basically, I live by this verse in the Quran:

“Verily, with hardship there is relief.” (94:6)

and

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).

I'm not a saint. There are times when I feel totally disconnected from Allah and just lived life the way I wanted to. And sometimes I manage to get the connection again. But I was never able to sustain it. So everyday is a struggle for me to maintain it. And I'm always praying that I'll be able to sustain it for the rest of my life.

So yeah. Nothing much to say now. Just felt like updating suddenly. With a post that's actually... useful? YEAH RIGHT HAHAH.

BYE!

JIAYOU!

Tired. Tired of projects, tired of school, tired of not having time to spend for myself, tired of being tired.. Just tired. But I'm pulling through. I'm not stressed to the point that it affects my emotions and my functioning because I know that if I pull through all of this with a positive mindset, it will all work out in the end. I keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it.

Grades are basically a very strong motivation for me; I WANT to do well academically and it's a good enough reason for me to continually push myself and work harder.

But that might not be the situation for everyone. All I can do is to push them to work harder and help them whenever I can. This too, can be tiring but being the one who can think more rationally at this point of time puts me in a position where I feel obliged to help them; not only for personal reasons but also because I can also be affected when other people are emotionally disturbed.

So yeah. End of a short post; Just a reminder for me to keep myself going even though so many things are going on at the same time and I keep feeling like I'm losing myself amidst everything that's been happening. I feel like a robot, constantly thinking about how to improve on my groups' presentation, planning study times, planning what to study, plan plan plan and absolutely no time for me to just relax and settle down. It's just one project after the other.

On the bright side, I just have to bear with it for another week. After next Thursday, everything should be calming down already and I can finally have time to myself :D I've been going home late a lot and I sort of miss my family and eating dinner with them etc so yeah. Let's pull through for just another week! Ganbatte!

I hate being the one who takes the initiative. Yes, it's good but sometimes it just gets too tiring when you know that the rest don't even bother.

I take the extra mile when it comes to my work and responsibilities. I sacrifice so many things. So should you. Because I'm tired of giving in for everyone.

Experience

Assalamualaikum!

So many things to write about! I think. HAHA. Mainly because something happened and I really felt the need to blog about it but I couldn't write this post unless I finish this journal that I had to do because the thing happenedddddd. So yeah.

Firstly, PROGRAMME PLANNING EVENT. SIGNED. SEALED. DELIVERED. DONE!

So, the story is like this. This project was a pain in the ass. We put aside other projects just because of this project since it's very time consuming. And we went through a lot of setbacks along the way as mentioned in one of my previous posts.

And during the holidays, we received word that we had to push forward the event date. IMAGINE THAT. Being informed of such important details a week before the event! And having to push forward the date to 3 days before the supposed date! SO MANY LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS. Plus, the number of children that we had to take on suddenly became 15. And we had already prepared logistics for FIFTY children. ALL THOSE MONEY WE WASTED.

So yeah. To cut the story short. The whole event WAS A MESS. Nothing, and i mean it, NOTHING went as planned. We never played any of the games we had originally prepared, we didn't start on time, the number of kids was like what, 13? And we were supposed to handle kids aged 10-14 but we ended up kids aged what, 6-18? SO MANY THINGS WENT WRONG.

Plus, WE COULD NOT HANDLE THE KIDS AT ALL. They were so rebellious, they didn't listen to us at all, they refused to participate, refused to listen to our instructions, they fought, they ran around, they just DIDN'T GIVE US THEIR ATTENTION AT ALL. It was chaos, disaster.

We ended up playing some useless games just so we could entertain them until the whole event ended. We tried as much as possible to try to carry out our objectives but... yeah we just... tried our best. We couldn't just give up and tell them to stop and just go home could we? Although I really had this temptation to just go to the toilet and cry my ass off. Really. I honestly wanted to. Imagine, everything that you planned, for what, 3 months? All down the drain! ALL OUR EFFORTS. But I decided to pick myself up and try hard until the end. I just hope we won't fail because I really don't want to retake this module.

So, after the whole thing ended... I was relieved. But there was one thing that bugged me, IMMENSELY. I was really shocked that the children were not on good terms WITH EACH OTHER. I concluded that the reason I was so disappointed after discovering this fact out was because I watched endless of dramas and animes, depicting how children who lived in a home are usually very attached to one another, super close with each other etc (e.g. Vampire Knight, some Taiwanese drama I watched etc etc) but my hopes were like... CRUSHED. I thought that since they couldn't receive love at their home homes, maybe in a children's home they could receive warmth, love and forge friendships with people who can relate to them, with people that have similar backgrounds... But I was wrong. And i was so disappointed.

And although I didn't agree with the Home's approach on handling the kids, sometimes I have to agree that they can't do anything else but to treat them that way (i.e. super strict, very professional). I think. Sometimes I wonder if they could have taken up a different approach, for e.g. make the environment super happy, loving, have the workers there talk and share with the kids, actually painting the Home in bright happy colors, maybe they could have made the children feel more welcomed.. But idk. Who am I to judge. Maybe they had their reasons for choosing that approach.

Ah. Depressed mode much. DRAMAS & ANIMES > YOU HAVE CHEATED ME!

But I'm happy that this whole thing has ended, thus a HUGE-ASS burden lifted off my shoulders.. Now I can get started on other projects and actually have time to revise.

So yeah. I don't feel like continuing this post. So... Bye.

Let loose!

Assalamualaikum!

Just got back from a 5-day holiday at Bandung! I won't go into it much though, just that it was really relaxing, and it really got my mind off things. Not that there are super stressful things happening to me right now, I think my life is now... laying low. So, yeah. Althougggghhhhhhh something DID happen during the holiday that.. irked me. AHHH PROGRAMME PLANNING IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. Datelines after datelines after datelines and there's just so much other things/projects that has to be finished! I swear, this semester is just CRAZY and I feel like I'm not doing enough /sigh

Okay so maybe my life isn't going so low after all.

Anyway I LOVED THE HOLIDAY. Relaxing. Love the weather. And the weather did miracles to my skin. But now that I'm back to hot humid Singapore, my skin isn't doing so well again. And..... I swear Indonesia has A LOT of hot guys. Just my type. HAHAHAHA. Whaaaaat. You can't blame meeee for all the hot guys in the worlddddd.

But I DID have to miss 2 freaking concerts because of the holiday HAHA. Till we meet, Shinhwa. HAHAHAHA. I MEAN COME ON ERIC MOON CAME TO SINGAPORE AND I MISSED HIM /pout

Ah I feel that I caught up on A LOT of sleep during the trip there. Every single car trip, I spent the journey sleeping. And oh oh the last night there, I had this amazing bath HAHAHHAHA in the bathtub!! /padahal I have a bathtub at my johor house =_=

But yeah I just relaxed in the bathtub for like an hour while my hair was being conditioned and just.. let loose. SLEPT ACTUALLY AHAHHAHAHAHA isn't that the finest way of letting loose? TO ME IT IS HAHAHAHA SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEP

Ok ok I should get started on the proposal now.

BYE!

Short update!

Assalamualaikum!

Hehe for the first time in a while, I'm updating in SINGAPORE haha! Mainly because I'll be out the whole day on Friday and off to Johor at night, I have no time to download my anime so I'm sacrificing my sleep to dl xD

Just got home from a dinner date with Naz at the airport! Originally, the plan was to welcome our mwti friends from China and the plan was all set but at the last minute their flight was delayed to 12am OTL So we just decided to eat dinner and lepak. Maximising as much time as I can to catch up with old friends since I'll be so busy during the holidays and I feel guilty :/

I've been going back home really late lately and I sort of feel accomplished haha since usually the only time that I go home this late is for jalan raya haha! But now I've been staying back for projects... And I feel like... AN ADULT HAHA. Although when i reach home I have to deal with the endless nagging from my grandma but I usually just play songs on my phone while she's nagging HAHAHA.

Okay so I feel the need to blog about something important again but my mind IS A MESS right now because of projects and PMS so I can't really think straight so yeah maybe some other time.

This shall be a short post :D Good night!

Projects projects and more projects

Assalamualaikum!

FINALLY I HAVE SOME TIME TO SPARE TO BLOG! I swear, my schedule has been super packed lately and I'm not getting enough sleep over all these programmes and presentations! Still not regretting that I never took up a CCA hehe.

For the first time, my June holidays are packed. LIKE LITERALLY throughout the whole of the 2 weeks! 5 days I blocked out to go to Bandung for a short getaway and the rest of the days are for projects. Idiot projects. My scheduler is in pieces because I use it too much.

Projects. I SHALL START RANTING NOW.

PROGRAMME PLANNING. At first we thought it'd be easy. The next thing we knew, over a span of what, a month, we kept changing our proposal... For a record of 4 times (I think). Change = TOTAL REVAMP. From an outing to a close event to a free and easy programme to a totally limited 3 hour programme to a limited 5 hour programme. IMAGINE HOW MANY TIMES WE HAD TO RETHINK OF THEMES, GAMES, LOGISTICS, ETC. IMAGINE THE HORROR.

Liaising with other organizations is SO TROUBLESOME.

Another project! Our Marketing project! I swear at one point I was so pissed that I just felt like bawling right there and then! But nah, I did it in the toilet. HAHA. Not bawl lah just let out my frustrations for a bit. LUCKY the whole thing went smoothly and I didn't have to walk out of the centre.

Time flies when you're having fun. But now time flies because you're hella busy. One week left before June Holidays and I'm getting really stressed. Most of our projects are all halfway done and incomplete and that makes me really JHBFJHDBZFKJHXB.

In addition to that, someone has been making me super pissed off but I won't mention the name nor storytell it here because it just pisses me off. Nampak je innocent tapi belakang org.. Total hypocrite.

On a lighter note, I CHANGED MY PHONE! Samsung Galaxy S2 baby! I know I'm a bit outdated but I'm totally loving this phone! And and one of groups, 4/5 (including me) of the members own an S2 haha! Can become like Digivice like that HAHAHAHHA /childhood dream

I'm currently in Johor, apparently the only place that I can spare some time to blog. Friday night till Monday morning. Dad will be sending me straight to school on Monday. Projects, projects. I'll probably spend the whole weekend studying and finishing up assignments. I have a test on Tuesday. Research methods which is a totally boring irritating frustrating module that I CANNOT STAND. It's the 7th week of school and I just knew what the lecturer's name was and it wasn't because I was curious, but because one of my classmates posted sth in the class fb and she mentioned his name. So yeah.

Alrighty I'm really tired already and I plan to spend most of tmr studying for research methods and doing up assignments.... /sigh. May music and karaoke-ig while studying last me through the day.

Good night!

Update!

Assalamualaikum!

Yay finally I have the time to update my blog! I've been really busy with school projects and stuff and coming home really tired so I didn't have the time to update. This sem's modules are really time consuming, especially Programme Planning. A lot of the other modules also require us to go down to some centres to find out more info about them, so there goes my spare time.

There was no school today because it was SHS' Graduation ceremony but I volunteered to be a helper so I had to come over. I had a group project in the morning too at the library. But thankfully our work as the ushers was super slack and it only lasted for a few hours. So we got to go home early! Yay! But of course, we didn't forget to take loaaads of pictures while we're in our formal wear and fool around for a while :D

Taking a break for a bit before I start to study. My new phone is coming tonight (YAY) so I have to transfer the songs from the application in my iPhone to my laptop so I can transfer them to the new phone. I didn't realize I had THIS much songs in my phone until I had to re-download the whole lot again! I categorize my songs into folders, according to the artist so most of it is hidden. The ones not inside folders are usually english songs and other random songs sung by artists whose other songs I didn't like. And I have this tendency to just download the whole freaking album instead of just one song so... I ended up having to go through everything and choosing the song that I like. So troublesome... But on the other hand, new phone! Yay!

Life has been really busy lately so I didn't have time to think through things that's been happening.. Starting to get my study groove back since ICAs are really near already and I need to study.

My elder sister is going to Europe (I think) so my parents decided to go on a holiday during the June Holidays before she leaves.. Initially they wanted to go to Genting but then it's holiday season and the place will be super packed..

So we decided on Bandung, Indonesia! THE SHOPPING HEAVEN!!!! I loveeee it there since it's quite cold and the clothes there are to my liking (long sleeved blouses) so yeah! We'll be going there!! YAHOO!!

Alrighty I don't think I have anything else to write about. Shall end the post here. Bye!

Sick!!

Assalamualaikum!

Today... Sucked. Woke up with my throat feeling like it was shredded by a paper shredder, runny nose.. I was really contemplating not to go to school but I forced myself to go cos Tuesdays are very long and I'll be missing out on a lot of modules. So yes I went to school.

But in school....... I was a living zombie. Started to get feverish, slept through Research Module lecture, slept for an hour  during break, zoned out during tutorial.. When my friends finally forced me to go back home =_= And the weather really didn't help, it was raining gorillas and elephants and the buses had their aircon blasted and I WAS SUFFERING.

And it really didn't help that while I was waiting for the bus, people left and right were smoking nonstop. And the fact that bus 88 came so late..

So I stopped by the clinic to get MC and meds, and doctor was really speaking so fast until I gave up on trying to figure out what she was saying. She was talking like she memorized everything and was just vomiting everything out! Especially when she started listing out all the food I shouldn't eat. I had to stifle a laugh when she told me not to exercise in the next 7 days because, since when did I ever exercise anyway haha!

After that I went home, forced myself to eat some porridge and the meds, and collapsed onto the sofa and slept the whole day. I managed to sweat the fever off which was good lah but I still feel weak. No appetite. It's so random how I fell sick =_= It's been so long since I got sick until the clinic had to make a new card for me haha

Ah okay my back is aching I need to sleep early. Good night!

Messy post!

Just a short post, to clear my thoughts. I shall write for as long as my laptop battery can take it so bear with me if my post suddenly ends abruptly.

I went cycling today! Okay, not so much of cycling because me and some 4 other friends ended up taking the family bicycle and fooling around with it and I ended up not cycling and just relaxing at the back, enjoying the breeze.

What I really want to talk about now is.. about myself. On the bus ride back home, the topic was suddenly on us ourselves and of course, friends. We were talking about how we felt totally in sync with our classmates and how we felt more close to them compared to our Secondary school friends.. About (my personal favourite) friendship vs acquaintanceship.

They kept saying that my personality is.. mother-like. Then I kept thinking, HOW ON EARTH AM I MOTHER-LIKE? I kept thinking and thinking about my actions, why people think of it as mother-like. I personally don't think I am. I'm still in the process of getting to know myself and clearing out my values and opinions and yes, I'm still shaping my identity. But being mother-like? The closest thing that I can think of about myself that's somewhere near mother-like is the fact that I like to keep a lookout for others. And that's it. Since I'm quite independent (learned how to be at a very young age. Shall elaborate later), I have no need to rely on others, I give more attention to others instead of myself. I don't know how that makes sense haha!

I care about others but I don't think I make it very obvious. I have a habit of nagging, but I nag only when it's necessary but other than that, I'm not uptight about things. I like to be in control of my life so I'm very clear about things that are important and unimportant.

I don't bother participating in things that I know is bound to hurt me or is of no use to me. For example, socializing. I don't understand the need to socialize when the friends that you make at that time won't last. I'd rather focus on forging relationships that I intend to keep for the rest of life instead of wasting my time on relationships that are bound to.. disappear.

And one very important thing about me is that even though I dislike participating in things (especially those that require leadership), once I start on something, I GO ALL OUT. I don't look back, I don't regret, I push forward, no matter how much I hate it. For example, as much as I hated Cyber Awareness, I gave my ALL for that GSM. I forced myself to like it. Even though I actually hate it. Haha!

But the thing is... I tend to lose my way sometimes. I was reflecting and I realize that my ideal husband would be someone who knows me well, about my values and beliefs, and can get me back on track whenever I lose my way. Remind me of my values and why I'm here in the first place. Someone to encourage me, because  it's draining, having to encourage yourself.

Ah this post is starting to get messy but I need to get it out of my head.

About the me being independent thing. I've always been like that, I find no need in relying on someone. I've always been picking myself up, since god knows when. I never relied on my parents for anything besides financial support. Whenever I feel hurt or lost, I take a while to think through things and clear my head and end up with a conclusion by myself, no help from others. I don't feel attached to anyone. And I wonder is it because throughout my life, no one has ever offered their shoulder for me? But that's slowly ending because my poly classmates are seriously changing me in a way that I'm experiencing things that I've never experienced before, like the feeling of receiving support from a friend. And that.. really made an impact on me.

I don't know if being too self-reliant is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't show to other people my problems (but I write them down here if I manage to think through it). Is it.. healthy? Hahaha!

OMG THIS POST IS SO MESSY I DON'T THINK I MANAGED TO CLEAR MY HEAD

One more thing about myself! I take a lot after my father, I realized. Like him, I don't rely on others (especially emotionally), I'm impatient. But what sets me different from him is that, since I'm a girl, my.. motherly instincts kick in a lot.

OKAY I THINK I SOLVED SOMETHING!! About being mother-like!!

Is it because I like to take care of others? I do admit I treat my friends a bit like my children in the sense like I look out for them, make sure that they're alright... Stuff like that? Okay that's not a strong enough reason haha nvm I shall ask people tmr about why they think I'm motherlike.

Okay enough, I need to pack for school. Still haven't been in the study mood. But.. time is running out I realized haha so I better get back to study mode ASAP.

Alrighty. Good night!

Penning down thoughts..

Assalamualaikum!

Suddenly I have this overwhelming need to blog! The feeling just popped out of nowhere! HAHA! Actually, not nowhere lah, it came with a reason :p Anyway I'm at home today since my GSM is over and I don't have any classes today. It's a Friday and I'm at home! HAHA I was so happy that I got to sleep in this morning.

Okay back to issue. I was researching about topics to be used for Research Methods module when my lecturer SMS-ed me, asking if so far I was comfortable with what she has been teaching under the Working with Special needs and disabilities module.. And I was like, AH did she notice my sullen-ness during sharing session the previous day? Cos I was in a super sullen mood when we were sharing about different perceptions people would have towards people with special needs. I was okay up till people started mentioning that some would bully, ignore people with special needs, some parents would think that it's a waste of money... Then I swear I got teary-eyed thinking about my brother and his future.. I kept thinking like, you shouldn't do that.. You shouldn't think like that... They're special in their own way.. And I got all teary eyed but I fought the tears lah of course, it'd be an awkward situation if I suddenly burst out crying in the middle of class... I even felt like fighting back but in the end I controlled myself and instead told the person to say it in a more sensitive manner, IDK if she caught it lah but I was.. affected I guess.

Then my lecturer called me over the phone, asking if I was comfortable in sharing some experiences and whatnot in the next lecture, which was going to be about Autism and I agreed since I really wanted people to know about my experiences and also more about ASD. I shall talk to my mum about it and ask her about some stuff that I can show, and maybe even record snippets of Nazhir talking or what.

Something that I particularly want to stress on is that... My brother is the light of our lives. He makes us so happy with his antics and even though sometimes we can be so frustrated with him, so burdened by the sacrifices that we need to do for him.. We know that we're all that he's got. If not for us, his family, who else can take care of him? Who else can love him as much as we do? Who else can put the disabled part of him away and accept him as who he is?

I will stop here though, since I don't want to spoil my sharing next week :p Hehe but that's just the essence of the message that I'll bring out during the sharing. Just wanted to.. write it down here.

Just a short entry :) School has been doing fine, shall catch up on my studies today. Bye!

Friendship

Assalamualaikum!

It's Monday and as you all know, I have no school on Monday! HEHEHE anyway I'm currently watching an anime which I am trying to pry myself away from at times so I won't finish it too early. Also to train myself to discontinue this unhealthy practice of watching too much anime since school has started and I need to get back to my usual regime of daily revision. I can't seem to find the motivation to revise nowadays since all that's on my mind is an unfinished anime and the dying curiousity to find out what is going to happen.

There's something that I've been meaning to touch on on my blog, which is about friendship. I've been brooding about 'friendship' a lot, ever since Poly started. The transition between Secondary School and Polytechnic/other tertiary education is crucial, as in it's the period where you're bound to lose/gain a lot of old/new friends. I reckon many will have to go through this phase and it's not an easy one.

What do you define friends as? I guess it differs for everyone, ranging from just someone you know, to someone who has known you for, say, the whole of Secondary school. And recently, someone whom you've met through facebook mutual friends.

In my opinion, there's a distinct line between acquaintanceship and friendship. Of course, people whom  you've gotten to know through facebook, and maybe seniors and juniors that you know of but don't really talk to, or just people whom you know and only talk to occasionally are categorized as acquaintances. Friends, on the other hand, I categorize (may I emphasize, "I" as in this is totally my opinion and not some proven facts) as those whom I feel like there's no wall separating me and that person. When the wall is there, you don't feel comfortable yet sharing with the person about your true opinions on things, and still feel somewhat fake when communicating with the person because you feel that the person may judge you or ostracize you if you say what you really want to say. Basically, in front of a friend, you are comfortable to be who you are.

Being a friend has its responsibilities, as crazy as it may seem. You have the responsibility to care for the friend, keep their secrets, support them etc. And this is where issues may arise, when people have too much expectations out of their friends. They expect them to be there for them ALL THE TIME, expect them to notice when they feel down and expect them to be by their side every time they have problems, expect them to support you with your every decision etc.

But the thing is, people, FRIENDS ARE HUMANS TOO. They make mistakes, they're not mind readers who can detect all your negative emotions, they're not your teddy bear that can soothe you every time you're down, they're not your slaves that will come to you every time you call for them, they're not followers who will support your every decision  no matter how right or wrong they are. You can't assume all these things and be upset whenever they are not up to your expectations and accuse them of not being a good enough friend!

Besides their responsibilities as your friend, they have other responsibilities too, to their family, other friends, studies, CCAs, whatever! You can't lock them up in an invisible room claiming them to be yours forever.

Sometimes, you have to give in to your friends, because the bond and friendship that you have with the person is far more important than some meagre problem or fight that you had with the friend. It's a give and take situation. And in the case of having a friend who doesn't support you in your decision, sometimes who have to throw away all the ego and pride that you have to actually analyze what your friend is saying and really take it into consideration. Considering that the person is your friend, they will know what's best for you. So just, for once, open up your heart and mind to LISTEN. Not hear, LISTEN.

And rest be assured, if the person really considers you as a friend, they will do everything in their power for it to remain that way. So don't worry, and TRUST THE FRIEND. If the person is meant to be your friend, then she'll make an effort to stay.

Okay, moving on, there's something else that I want to touch on. I read about it somewhere (slipped my mind, where I read it. Getting old /sigh) that God tells us to love everyone. He did not say to love everyone BUT the non-believers, gangsters, sinners, criminals etc. It doesn't mean that just because they have done a mistake that everyone knows of,  they don't deserve our love and care. As long as they're alive, they still have the opportunity to repent and it's up to us to lead them to the right road. So we cannot judge them and say that we're better than them. By not exposing our wrongdoings, God has given us his mercy. Imagine if everyone knew about ALL your wrongdoings? Those criminals, gangsters are actually LUCKY that their wrongdoings are known to other people, in the sense that they are atoning to their sins while they're still alive, instead of receiving the punishment later in akhirat which will be much worse.

Those words are what that's been motivating me to continue in this line of Social Work actually. Giving others a chance, and helping them. Although sometimes I do wonder to what extent should we offer up our help? To what extent should we trust them but at the same time be cautious? Some things to think about, yeah. Because in the case of my husband leaving me, I don't think I'll give the guy a second chance HAHAHA. Human beings are always scared of getting hurt again. Once bitten, twice shy.

Ahh, thinking deeply about stuff like this is good. Haha definitely beats all those random spazz blog posts right? Hehehehehehe. Proves that I'm not so childish okay, despite still watching animes and all.

Wrecking my brain for anything else that I want to touch on..... But nothing comes up. I guess this marks the end of this post. I shall go looking for blogskins that have bigger fonts. Even for me, it's painful to read my own blog haha the font is tiny! And I'm already blind enough as it is.

Alright, bye bye! Ciao!

Assalamualikum!

Currently in Johor, spending the weekend here. And as usual, locking myself up inside the room because I love my room and the privacy in here haha! Slept late last night finishing off an anime, Ghost Hunt! All 25 episodes in one day, whoa. I'm amazed at myself too!

To be honest, I have absolutely no idea about what to update you all about. Maybe about myself? LOLOL /narcissistic much! XD

Ok well for one, I have to admit I'm quite hardworking! I'm the sort of person who does her best at everything she does, even if she hates it. For example, GSM! I took cyber awareness and finance last semester and well, I'm not very.. fond of both. But nonetheless, I still forced myself to give a 100% in the exams and really gave a 100% effort in doing up the assignments. It was all worth it since in the end, I got As for both :D Even though those grades didn't really contribute to my GPA but nonetheless, it made my report slip pretty!

And like I mentioned before in previous posts, I have a very short temper, I do a good job in balancing my responsibilities and entertainment (which I take pride in hehe), I love to watch anime (which is sort of unusual for a girl but who cares I still love it!), I like kpop (to a fair extent), I like to watch shows related to supernatural stuff, I like to read, I like strawberries and the color pink, I love fried chicken... Hmmm I'm getting off track haha!

Ah like I said, I have no idea what to write about so I'll end here! Tomorrow is no school day so I'm planning to go parkway parade to buy Atika's present and drop it off at her house haha and also return some books... Alrighty shall pack up, will be leaving johor tonight. Bye bye!

Back to school!

Assalamualaikum! Yes I am back for an update!

School has started and it's been 2 days since! Today was the 2nd day since school officially started and today also marks our 1st anniversary together as a class and ALSO was Atika's birthday! The previous day I went to Tampines Mall to shop for her present but Mini toons was closed for a renovation so I told her I'd give her present later when I can find the time to go to another outlet. Planning to go Parkway Parade on Monday to visit the store there.

I've been going to school like an hour early to avoid sardine-ing myself into buses but even if I went out an hour earlier I still have to kiasu =_= But nevermind, I like long bus rides. In Year 2, we don't really have the freedom to lepak in the classroom like we used to in Year 1 but oh well.

Yesterday night, I was shocked with the news that we had to register for our GSM on that night at 11pm so I informed everyone and we all (as usual) kiasu-ed and planned which GSM to choose etc on facebook chat! It's like a tradition every semester haha! So I ended up with Sign Language (even though I really wanted Cultural Beliefs) but I guess it's better than the rest. Ninja skills still need to be polished hehe!

I've found out something about myself recently! I don't know how to react in serious situations (that don't include me). For example, friends fighting, friends sad and having personal problems. Whenever I see such things happening, I have this habit of ignoring it. I feel the need to do something about it but idk, my mind just turns blank and I have no idea how to react! I want to help, I really do but I keep getting stunned. I think it's like a trauma from always getting scolded when I was a kid so I keep stoning whenever I see such situations.. /sigh

Ah I shall continue reading beneficial books to improve myself. No more novels for the time being. I have a whole stack of books to be read before I let myself start on reading novels again. I feel that there's still so much to learn, so much ways I have to improve myself and push my limits. I'm still set on improving myself academically too. I need to work even harder than last sem (even though I feel like I really worked my hardest last sem, leading me to think that this is the extent that my brain can take haha) and get better grades, so even though there are modules this sem that I feel are potential boring sessions, I will push myself to work hard for them and learn to love the modules.

But of course, I will push myself academically and at the same time involve myself in self-care! I've always had a knack for balancing my school-entertainment life! I know exactly how much to study so that I won't over-exert myself and I know exactly how much of entertainment I should engulf myself in so I won't be too addicted. Ah, the perks of being a Libran! Not that I believe in horoscopes but I just find that the concept of "balance" really fits well with my personality and I'm good at it haha!

Ah okay didn't really update much today, as in, write a good meaningful post but I'm sort of hungry and I want to eat haha so I shall update with a meaningful post some other time! Sleep tight everyone~ Bye!

Baby steps

Assalamualaikum.

Finally have some time to blog properly :D Went out just now to send Amin and his friend back to KL after the short visit. Didn't even get to talk to Amin properly bcos I was too lazy to put on tudung and go out since his friend was there. Nvm, there's facebook and whatsapp!

Anyway, as an effort to improve myself, I've been borrowing these educational books that I found in Tampines Library. I swear, that library has tons of awesome books that sometimes I just feel like spending the whole day there to read. But there's no musollah there and the nearest one is in Tampines Mall which.. I have to walk quite far so nevermind then, maybe when I'm ABC (Allah Bagi Cuti < I got that from a book hehe)

Baby steps, that's what I've been telling myself. I've been studiously reading articles at iluvislam.com and sometimes.. okay I can't remember what the English word is for it but- aku rasa terkilan. They keep saying how Allah should be out entertainment when bored, and we should spend that time not with facebook-ing, tweet-ing etc. BUT I'M NOT READY FOR THAT YET. My free time is mostly spent listening to music especially which I think, I still have a long way to go before letting go of it. Which made me conclude that I'm still attached to this world, this temporary world. Which I'm not supposed to be. But I'm not ready to let it go yet so I'm like super torn right now!

Alhamdulillah, my efforts have been going well so far, since I have a lot of time because it's holidays. But I AM SUPER WORRIED WHEN SCHOOL REOPENS. In school there's no sense of emergency for me to pray immediately, so many things that keeps me distracted from remembering Allah, so many distractions which I myself felt when I came back to school to plan the juniors' orientation. I keep forgetting my boundaries. I keep wanting to get involved. I keep wanting to fit in. This is really a huge problem for me, studying in a public school. I do all those things and at the end of the day when I look back, I feel so guilty but there's nothing that pulls me back to realize what I'm doing at that time. If anyone has any solutions for me, please do tell.

There's still so much that I'm learning and I'm really trying hard. I don't want to stray from this path, not now not ever. But I don't blame the course or the school etc because this course has really changed me for the better, learning about people and how to give back to the community. I brought up my concerns about this course before to my parents, how I wanted something more religion oriented and suggested going to UIA after this but they assured me that what I'm doing right now is already sufficient and giving back to the community will reward me in many ways.

Anyway one of the changes that I've gone through after studying here is, LESS CURSING. My mouth was a shotgun of curses and mind you, not light ones either. I think it's mostly because majority of my friends here don't curse much so I've gotten used to it and I cringe now when I hear someone curse or I myself let one slip. I should keep in mind not to watch dramas often because dramas make the curses come back, and not just a few either. Those hair tugging scenes, argh.

So, yes anonymous (referring to the person who commented on my tagboard), Syukran for your advice, the cursing part was the first step, now the next step is to use better language that will remind me of Allah whenever I speak, and do it without feeling awkward. Which I am still puzzled about how to speak whenever I'm in front of my non-Muslim friends, since they won't understand what I'm talking about haha! And to say it so nonchalantly such that no one will notice when before the way I speak was quite harsh, especially with close friends.

Something that I've learnt while in this course is that what you say, can really affect the receiver. No matter how much you think it's such a little matter, for example calling someone "idiot", it can really affect the other end without you noticing. And it can affect them so much to the point that it will also affect their self-esteem so you have to be super careful when you speak. Especially if you are someone the person holds dear to his/her heart. They usually take your comments to heart, so don't disappoint them ;D

Another thing that I'm working on, is how to be braver. I am actually quite scared, of going up front to talk, to participate, to voice out my opinions. Why? I don't like it when I'm not prepared. I'm not scared during presentations because I know that I've prepared for it beforehand but for things like impromptu talking, participating, I try super hard to avoid it. Simply because I know I'm not prepared and I know that I'll mess up. I want to be like those people who can lead others, and are brave in whatever they do despite the fact that they will make mistakes. Those people really have this charisma that I adore and aspire to have. But I really don't know how either so haha yeah.

It's really frustrating how I'm applying to volunteer at so many places but none of them are replying to me >:( I really want to use volunteering as an outlet for me to be thankful for what I have. But the opportunities so far are zilch. I'm not considering those volunteering CCAs in school or the Muslim society because, there's one thing that since before that I am very particular about which is Ikhtilat. I don't like it when events are held with both boys and girls. That's why I will never join those youth groups at mosques. Actually, it's okay if they're held together but when they are grouped together to do something, ah that's something I really really don't like. I think it's just the after-effect of being in a girls' school for so long but yeah, I prefer my own kind thank you very much haha. Of course, classmates are exempted because we have to, but extra-curricular, something that I have the ability to choose to attend, no thank you.

And now you know the reason why I have such little guy friends haha! No wait, I mentioned it before in the previous posts. Haha! Doa je lah aku akan dapat jodoh satu hari nanti lah ye :p

Oh oh and another thing that I want to raise up here before I go have dinner and end this post! I like to do my prayers etc, ALONE. As in ngaji alone in an empty room, pray in an empty room (unless I do jamaah prayers lah, not that I don't like praying as jamaah, it's just that when I pray alone, I really like to do it alone.), doa in an empty room etc. No distractions, nothing. That's why I like going to the Johor house, I have my privacy there. But here in Singapore, rarely ever do I have privacy considering the number of people living under one household. It makes me really distracted! Okay that's just my opinion hehe.

Alright off to eat dinner, maybe read a bit and go to sleep. Till I blog again!

IMG!!

Assalamualaikum!

In a good mood today! Finished watching Rooftop Prince until the 6th episode where it stopped. Can't stop repeating how good looking Yoochun is, ahh.

Anyway, yesterday was INTERMADRASAH GAMES! Me and my sister came from Johor and had to wake up before Subuh to get ready =_= Overall it WAS SUPER FUN my voice is all croaky now but it was all so worth it! I MET MY LOVELY FRIENDS WHOM I HAVEN'T SEEN FOR SO LONG and of course my teachers etc. Pity it was separated from the guys, could have met the other male teachers. But I did get to see Mr Muneer and Mr Esmadi so that's okay I guess.

BUT OMG IT WAS SO FUN! Yelling and screaming and jumping and gossiping. But the best part was of course meeting old friends! Especially Aminah and Farah whom I haven't seen for almost a year since I left MWTI. Hugged them so tight! In a second, that familiar feeling came back! That togetherness and comfortableness that I used to feel while in Irsyad.

Had a few laughs with Ustazah Rohana lolol she's hilarious, she was trying to say freshman orientation but she was like "Eh.. Ape tu.. Refreshment? Refresh? Alah, tu, refreshment orientation ke ape tu..." DAMN FUNNY RIGHT HAHA!

Overall, it was one awesome day. Left early though cos Abah picked us up. Nyeh.

Okay okay this will just be a short post, gotta go! BYE!

Exercise!!

Assalamualaikum!

Hello people! I've got nothing else to do so I'm updating~ Was supposed to watch Dhania's sister perform at wdlds library but it turns out she wasn't performing today so the whole thing was cancelled.

Ytd me and a bunch of friends went cycling at ECP and it was really awesome! Half of the time was spent laughing at how Mike totally failed in rollerblading haha! It was a beautiful day out, perfect for cycling since the sun wasn't too glaring (there was barely any direct sunlight for the first hour or so) and wind was so cooling, so unlike Singapore! But after a while, the Sun came back but it wasn't that hot compared to other days. So yeap it was a fun day and we went shopping and rested at Parkway Parade after that after meeting up with Nadiah. Lunch was at this hawker centre which served AWESOME FOOD, and I as usual, am on a mission to try out every Mee Goreng Mamak in Singapore so I tried it out. It was nice, but it wasn't spicy so there was no kick to it :( On the other hand, HK's Mee Soto was so spicy I choked on it omg. And and the Strawberry Juice they served there was awesome!

Overall, the day was fun but really very tiring! Thank goodness today's plans were cancelled bcos my thighs are aching now. But I really wanted to go to the library and check out the novels there and return my books but oh well. I shall go tmr.

Tmr, I have a date with Nazihah and Aliah to downtown east to eat sushi! Was craving sushi man! I think I shall stop by Tampines Mall to find an organizer there and also find a friend's birthday present. I was thinking of buying her a huge teddy bear but then I'll have to bring the thing to school BY BUS and it'll be so embarrassing especially if class starts at 9 on that day and i have to sardine myself into the bus =_= So idk!

Spent the day watching Rooftop Prince with Yoochun in it and I have to say, I'm impressed! His acting really improved and the show had me laughing my ass off xD Classic "People from the past comes to the future and discovers technology" moments! And Han Jimin is gorgeous!

OH OH I FORGOT! On the way back home from Parkway Parade with Khai, I SAW THIS HOT GUY omg made my tiredness go away! Hahahaha I pointed him out to Khai and he agreed with me that the guy was goodlooking but he said the way he yawned was ugly, well, no one yawns prettily okay maybe except Eric haha omg ERIC MOOOOONNN I LOVEEE YOUUUUUU /fangirl moment

Okay okay back to business..... Which is nothing in particular haha I keep craving the strawberry juice there lalala it's so yummy and it's PURE strawberry juice okay, no syrup at all!

Okay then gonna end this post since I have no idea what else to write about.. Juniors orientation next week, hopefully we'll do fine! Ganbatte ne! Yosh!

Assalamualaikum!

Alright I think writing will help me clear out my thoughts. I don't know whether I feel like hypocrite or what but I'm really trying to be a good Muslimah but god I don't know what I'm doing right now.

Yes, I do accept facebook friend requests from strangers, only if we have mutual friends of, say, more than 50 people. So recently this guy has been fb msg-ing me saying he wants to become friends. I was skeptical, still am since I have absolutely no idea who he is, just a vague idea from his profile. So I gave him the cold shoulder, but I'm the sort who feels very guilty when I do it without any purpose. I didn't really answer his questions sincerely but nor did I totally ignore him either.

So in the end I decided to tell him straight that, I'm not meaning to be rude/arrogant or anything to him but I honestly don't know him so I don't know his true intentions and I told him that as a girl I need to be careful of strangers. Again I emphasized that I wasn't stereotyping him or thinking badly of him in anyway, I'm just taking protective measures. People who know me knows that so far all the guy friends I have are all either my batchmates, seniors, juniors or classmates. I have no guy friends outside this circle, AT ALL.

The way he approached me was not forceful in anyway so I was, oh okay. He didn't even say anything about me being so cold. So yeah. I also asked him what was his true motives of wanting to be friends to which he replied that he just simply want to be friends. So I simply told him, if it's nothing more than that, okay.

I swear, I'm not the sort who'd reject someone who wants to be friends with me in real life but since this is all on the net I'm a bit more cautious yknow?

And I read once in this book that Muslim girls are supposed to be arrogant towards guys, don't make them think you're so easy to get through. You have your maruah and you have to protect it, and thus protect yourself. But I do feel guilty, like what if he's really sincere in wanting to be friends but then I think again, no one knows what the future holds and anything can happen, anything can change. So I'll just take the safer choice.

I vow not to be friends with guys unless it's school related or it's beneficial for me to become a better Muslimah. Sometimes I think ah, if I act like this, when can I get married? Haha! But then thinking back, if he's really fated with me then he won't go anywhere. If he really is sincere then he will wait and respect my decision or better yet, be truthful about it.

I sometimes worry, since I don't approve myself of going out on dates etc, how can I get to know the person better, how can I be sure that he's a good person?

I thought about it (yes I've been doing a lot of thinking these days) and I made the decision that I'll judge solely based on religion, like how I'm supposed to. How religious he is. I don't care if he's not an Ustaz or from a Madrasah or what, but I want to know if he accomplishes his responsibilities as a Muslim or not and how sincere he is in carrying out prayers etc, that's what's most important. Realistically thinking, yes, money, occupation is all important to but I have to make my first priority in choosing my future partner religion.

Yes, I am thankful enough to be borned in a very financially capable family and I'm used to living like this and I AM NOT SURE IF I CAN LIVE WITH ANYTHING LESS. I admit.

But then again, this world is temporary. I'm living in this world with the motivation to work towards what Allah has promised us, which is Heaven. The most important thing about choosing a future partner is not to make sure that he's a good person but to make sure he MAKES YOU a better person.

But what if he fits that criteria but financially, he's not capable?

Frankly..... I'm stuck there. I haven't made a conclusion. But I shouldn't think of this too much though, it's driving me nuts haha!

Okay, it's past 12 already, I'm in Johor and I shall finish off this episode of xman elimination game before I sleep.

Oh but before I end this post!

SUPPORT WORLD AUTISM AWARENESS DAY ON APRIL 2ND 2012 BY WEARING BLUE OKAY?

Post-Genting blues!

Assalamualaikum!

Yes I am back from Genting! I won't be storytelling about my trip there now though since I'm tired. It's now past 12 and I'm in my room in Johor after finishing a variety show marathon. Shinhwa broadcasting system and B1A4's Kkaeal Player.

I have an announcement.

I officially have a new celebrity crush (which I haven't had in a long time since... God knows when. I don't even remember who was the last person I was obsessed with!).

And that person............... is Shinhwa's ERIC.

I swear his face is just pure perfection roflmao. I was a bit torn between Minwoo, Dongwan and Eric haha but i kept getting so captivated by Eric's handsome face. He has this really manly face which is quite rare since lately all I see are flower boys. And I can't believe the Shinhwa members still look so good even if they're past their 30s already!

And I have a tiny tiny crush on B1A4's Gongchan now haha initially my favourite member was Sandeul, well actually, he still is, but I keep getting mesmerized by how good looking Gongchan is! His face is also pure perfection! Seriously, his face is just so well proportioned and really gorgeous and when he smiles I just die a little inside haha! He's really soft-spoken though, he talks really gently, I think mostly because he's the maknae but omg he has manners man he was greeting the producers right after he woke up.

Anyway, enough of spazzing over pretty faces!

But actually I have nothing else to talk about haha everything else (like results) comes along with the future genting trip post which god knows when I will have the energy to write that! There's something else that I want to write about too but I'm too tired now haha need to stop rubbing my eyes.

Okay then, I'll stop here. Have a nice holiday everyone :D

Bismillah

#1: The one thing that I hate most, for real, at the top of my list, is when people change plans at the last minute.

I am someone who is very particular to detail and I hate being unprepared. Thus, I prepare for exams 2~3 months early, I have a whole week planned before the week even starts etc.

And those who know me well will know this certain trait about me. Even my parents will try to avoid changing plans as much as possible because they know how I will react to it, and trust me, my reaction is not good. They will even really cautiously tell me about the change of plans if they're forced to and give me the option of going through with the plan or not.

So, when I got to know that the bus ride to Genting was pushed up to 6am, boy, I WAS PISSED BEYOND BELIEF. It was hard enough for me to arrange for my transportation when the timing was at 0615, and now they made it 15 mins earlier. And those 15 minutes is the world to me considering that I FUCKING LIVE IN PASIR RIS. And imagine my reaction when we were informed of this the NIGHT BEFORE?

No good thing will happen when I'm pissed, trust me. I am now so pissed to the point that I'm trying really hard not to tear up because I can't really do anything. My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't cursed since I started Poly okay, and I've been trying to manage my anger but knowing that none of this was our fault and this whole thing is entirely because of the other party's lack of consideration, curses are just popping out. This just really spoiled my day.

And okay. I failed. Crying.

What the fuck is so hard for you to plan and take traffic jams etc into consideration BEFORE you actually tell us what time we should be meeting? This is just a case of irresponsibility. And fucking pure inconsideration.

Kalau tuka plan, tak menyusahkan orang tu tkpe ah, aku boleh tutup sebelah mata, ni aku da rancang sume bende, malam sblm berangkat baru ckp tuka plan. Tak ke ni menyusahkan orang?

Is my anger and frustration justified? Or are there any objections that anyone wants to raise?

I thought about it well, about how plans always change, you can never know what will happen etc but the reason given was clearly to avoid traffic jam. Such a reason can and should be taken into consideration way before the time to meet was actually set so no problems will arise. So. What's so difficult about planning?

If you've worked in a group with me, you'll know that from day 1, I prepare everything down to the last full stop and I won't sit still unless I've devised a plan, thought through with it, think up of possible setbacks etc. I hate not being prepared.

And most of all, I hate being angry. I am one who does not control her anger well. I have hurt myself before because I was so angry, I threw things, I kicked people, I punched people, all because I was angry. It took me my teenage years to learn how to be patient and I managed to control it a bit, just the doing things part. But I still get breathless when I'm angry, I still have self-harm intentions, I still have a very sharp tongue, I still get so mad to the point that I will cry because I can't take the pressure. So right now, it's really a difficult time for me. I really admit that I can't handle my anger well. So not many things right now can make me angry, but this... my heart is just so heavy with anger.

Argh I really don't know what else to say. I'll just shampoo my hair, ambek wudu, pray and sleep for now.

Assalamualaikum

Trip to Ayer Hitam!

Assalamualaikum!

I went out with parents, Mak long and Kala Jija today, despite totally forgetting the day before that I was going out today and read novels until 2 in the morning. So the whole trip consisted of me sleeping in the car, waking up to join them check out the random shops that they went to, and for lunch.

I was so tired lolol kept zoning out. But I enjoyed the trip though! The shops that we visited were mostly those shops where people go to to buy hantaran deco for weddings etc. AND THEY WERE SO PRETTY THEY MADE ME WANT TO GET MARRIED FASTER. This particular shop had examples of what their hantaran looks like in glass shelves and they were so pretty! I loved the colors they chose, like bright orange, sky blue, lavender etc and they each had themes like music, flowers, playground etc. The temptation was killing me.

We also stopped by a toy store and there... I was squealing like a kid. Really. Heck care about people looking, I couldn't stand keeping quiet there! THEY HAD A GAZILLION PATRICK STAR STUFFED TOYS and I couldn't keep my mouth shut!

THEY EVEN HAD A PIKACHU STUFFED TOY that costs RM70+ so I was totally sulking about the lack of money. PIKACHU YOU KNOW. PIKACHU.

Then we ate at Anjung. Of course, I bought food from the Saudi Arabian store which has awesome shawarma that everytime we ate there, I'd ALWAYS buy that. The chicken is so soft it just melts in your mouth!

Stopped by the Johor house for prayers and went home after that. And that was the end of my attempt to be more social with my relatives roflmao. Not like I have bad relationships with my aunts of course, I love them to bits.

And Al-fatihah to my Arwah Mummy, I was very close to her cos she tutored me before and I always relied on her when mum wasn't there for me. I discussed with her about my future more than I did with my own mother! Especially during S3 when I was being tutored by Liza, my cousin. So we kept discussing about whether I should give a go at JC, gave me advice about life, shoo-ed their cat away from me everytime she gets near me (I was terrified of cats but after getting tutored in a house that had a cat, I've learned to ignore it xD). And yeah. I did more things with her than I did with my own mother.

I'm not putting down my mother or anything, I love her too, but sometimes she's just too busy with Nazhir and all that I feel bad to take up her time with my problems and all.

And now, time has passed and Liza is now pregnant with her first baby! CONGRATULATIONS! Super super happy for her! I'm going to be an aunt again yay! Plus Kak Aida's baby too! Only 1 month difference! That's the thing about my family, the generations always get pregnant around the same time haha! Good though, more playmates!

Okay, I'm still very tired from the trip so I shall stop here!

Oh oh I will end with a snippet of Nabi Muhammad's last khutbah! I saw it while we were shopping at some shop that sold frames and stuff.

Wahai manusia, sepertimana kamu menganggap bulan ini dan Kota ini sebagai suci, maka anggaplah jiwa dan harta setiap orang Muslim sebagai amanah suci. Kembalikan harta yang diamanahkan kepada kamu kepada pemiliknya yang berhak. Janganlah kamu sakiti sesiapapun agar orang lain tidak menyakiti kami lagi. Ingatlah bahawa sesungguhnya, kamu akan menemui Tuhan kamu dan Dia pasti membuat perhitungan diatas segala amalan kamu.

So yeap. Assalamualaikum!~