Messy post!

Just a short post, to clear my thoughts. I shall write for as long as my laptop battery can take it so bear with me if my post suddenly ends abruptly.

I went cycling today! Okay, not so much of cycling because me and some 4 other friends ended up taking the family bicycle and fooling around with it and I ended up not cycling and just relaxing at the back, enjoying the breeze.

What I really want to talk about now is.. about myself. On the bus ride back home, the topic was suddenly on us ourselves and of course, friends. We were talking about how we felt totally in sync with our classmates and how we felt more close to them compared to our Secondary school friends.. About (my personal favourite) friendship vs acquaintanceship.

They kept saying that my personality is.. mother-like. Then I kept thinking, HOW ON EARTH AM I MOTHER-LIKE? I kept thinking and thinking about my actions, why people think of it as mother-like. I personally don't think I am. I'm still in the process of getting to know myself and clearing out my values and opinions and yes, I'm still shaping my identity. But being mother-like? The closest thing that I can think of about myself that's somewhere near mother-like is the fact that I like to keep a lookout for others. And that's it. Since I'm quite independent (learned how to be at a very young age. Shall elaborate later), I have no need to rely on others, I give more attention to others instead of myself. I don't know how that makes sense haha!

I care about others but I don't think I make it very obvious. I have a habit of nagging, but I nag only when it's necessary but other than that, I'm not uptight about things. I like to be in control of my life so I'm very clear about things that are important and unimportant.

I don't bother participating in things that I know is bound to hurt me or is of no use to me. For example, socializing. I don't understand the need to socialize when the friends that you make at that time won't last. I'd rather focus on forging relationships that I intend to keep for the rest of life instead of wasting my time on relationships that are bound to.. disappear.

And one very important thing about me is that even though I dislike participating in things (especially those that require leadership), once I start on something, I GO ALL OUT. I don't look back, I don't regret, I push forward, no matter how much I hate it. For example, as much as I hated Cyber Awareness, I gave my ALL for that GSM. I forced myself to like it. Even though I actually hate it. Haha!

But the thing is... I tend to lose my way sometimes. I was reflecting and I realize that my ideal husband would be someone who knows me well, about my values and beliefs, and can get me back on track whenever I lose my way. Remind me of my values and why I'm here in the first place. Someone to encourage me, because  it's draining, having to encourage yourself.

Ah this post is starting to get messy but I need to get it out of my head.

About the me being independent thing. I've always been like that, I find no need in relying on someone. I've always been picking myself up, since god knows when. I never relied on my parents for anything besides financial support. Whenever I feel hurt or lost, I take a while to think through things and clear my head and end up with a conclusion by myself, no help from others. I don't feel attached to anyone. And I wonder is it because throughout my life, no one has ever offered their shoulder for me? But that's slowly ending because my poly classmates are seriously changing me in a way that I'm experiencing things that I've never experienced before, like the feeling of receiving support from a friend. And that.. really made an impact on me.

I don't know if being too self-reliant is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't show to other people my problems (but I write them down here if I manage to think through it). Is it.. healthy? Hahaha!

OMG THIS POST IS SO MESSY I DON'T THINK I MANAGED TO CLEAR MY HEAD

One more thing about myself! I take a lot after my father, I realized. Like him, I don't rely on others (especially emotionally), I'm impatient. But what sets me different from him is that, since I'm a girl, my.. motherly instincts kick in a lot.

OKAY I THINK I SOLVED SOMETHING!! About being mother-like!!

Is it because I like to take care of others? I do admit I treat my friends a bit like my children in the sense like I look out for them, make sure that they're alright... Stuff like that? Okay that's not a strong enough reason haha nvm I shall ask people tmr about why they think I'm motherlike.

Okay enough, I need to pack for school. Still haven't been in the study mood. But.. time is running out I realized haha so I better get back to study mode ASAP.

Alrighty. Good night!