Update!

Assalamualaikum!

YES! A non-emo post! Mainly because it's the last week of holidays and I'm bored and I'm currently listening to Zico's mixtapes and needing something to do while listening to his songs and constantly stopping because I keep getting awestruck by his mixtape songs. I don't know what's wrong with me and my attraction to hiphop songs lately. Is it a phase? HAHA it's good though imo IS THIS A SIGN OF ME GRADUATING FROM KPOP? Hahaha probably not because there are still some groups that no matter what scandals they've appeared it, no matter whatever happens, I will forever support their music because of the fact that their music is just. that. good! For example, Block B, JYJ, Big Bang (particularly GD). Because that's what music is all about isn't it? Purely music. Not because the kids are handsome or entertaining or have awesome abs but solely because their music is good.

Anyway, updates on my life. If anyone even bothers reading.

FYP IS OVER! Yes yes those moments over, and results are even out! And let's just say that all the hardwork, worries, late nights were all worth it because I got an A alhamdulillah! Because FYP is 33 credits, getting an A means that it pulled up my GPA by 0.1! Now i just need to maintain this gpa for one more semester until I graduate. Seems easy enough? HAHAHAHAH KLAKA KLAKA GILE

I just got back from a study trip to Melbourne! A fun and educational trip! The weather was nice, the company was nice, wished it was longer and we had more time to roam around especially at the beach and touristy places.

I JUST TURNED 20! Yesterday, to be more specific. A very big number isn't it? It makes me worried, all the responsibilities and expectations that gets bagged along with your age increasing. My mind is just screaming, I WANT TO STAY A KID and make mistakes and be forgiven for it because it's part of learning, I still want to explore things, I don't want to make big decisions, i want to have fun, i want to spend my parents' money (HAHA) but dayuuuummm time flies and here i am, 20 years old, and graduating polytechnic soon and stepping into the working life in a few months.

I wonder if I'll change a lot as these years fly by. Will i become more matured? Will i get married? Will i find a stable job that I like? Will i get into uni? Will i stop liking kpop? Will my friends now remain my friends? I guess only time will answer those questions. Maybe I'll read this post again a few years down the road and answer them myself.

So yeah, i can't find anything else to update on so until then! Bye!

Way to make someone's self-esteem plummet. This feeling is like the time I honestly was inches away from hurting myself. I hate it. I hate that feeling at the bottom of my stomach that just won't go away. It makes me want to hurt myself to let it all out and curse myself for screwing everything up. This should be a lesson but I really don't take these kind of stresses very well. My emotions are unstable and this is making it fall way out of the line. Yes, I've learnt that self-mutilation is a stupid thing that people do to relieve their stress. It is a stupid decision that will hurt not only the person but also the people around that person.

But sometimes.. It really does do the job of relieving the stress, better than talking, better than ranting, better than ignoring the issue at hand. Because you know that everything is your fault and you should be the one taking responsibility for it. And cursing yourself and blaming yourself inside your head doesn't help at all. It doesn't make you feel better. No matter how much people try to console you, no matter how much you appreciate them for trying to make you feel better.. It still hurts, the guilt is still there, and nothing will change it. Except physically inflicting pain on yourself. To punish yourself on all that's happened. To physically punish, not just to psychologically destroy your mind (like that's not enough).

And now.. I understand why.

I love everyone and I appreciate your attempts at trying to make me feel better, I really do. Every time  you guys personally tell me that it's okay, I get it but I can't help but to have that surge of emotions and break down.

I'm sorry for disappointing you. Maybe I should just stop talking. Stop being so open. Stop opening up to everyone. Stop being such an open book. Stop being myself. Because like now, it might just be the one thing that attacks me back. Who knew being honest was such a mistake. Maybe I should just.. stop.

Crossroads.

Assalamualaikum..

Lately I feel like life's been shoving a wall up my face. It's like.. everything's going wrong at the same time which really sucks. And I'm at crossroads man.

Hit a bump for FYP- in the end we couldn't work with this company that we've been liaising with for a few months already because the school neglected to tell us about some procedures. Because of this, we are lagging behind on some parts. But of course, we're trying to overcome it but wow I feel like my hair is going to fall out in chunks soon.

Then recently my mum told me that her, dad and my 2 brothers are going to Melbourne in a few days- it seems that my uncle's condition is deteriorating and he wants to see all of us. He has cancer and mum says it spread to his liver already. Doctors aren't saying anything but the whole family is really worried already.

To be honest, of course I want to go. I know that one way or another, my groupmates will be able to survive a week without me but dear god, this is FYP we're talking about. I don't know if my lecturers will let me leave for a while, and if they do allow, will my grades be affected or something? But still, working in a group is my responsibility as a group member and I can't just abandon my responsibilities right?

So yeap. I still don't know what to do.

Short update!

Assalamualaikum!

FYP has been going on for a while now. Things have slowed down though plus our deadline has been extended bcos of the monetory issues. I'm really thankful for this since it's been really hectic..

Ok actually I have no idea what to update on.

Ok no wait. There's something. My hard drive crashed. My hard drive containing all the FYP things that I did (mostly designs) and all my babies (i.e. my beloved animes) crashed. I've sent the thing to some data recovery centre but they're still doing an evaluation. But oh my god this really made me depressed. Even though I don't show it but I really am sad because of this but I do believe that it happened for a reason (maybe I've been too occupied by schoolwork that I'm neglecting my spiritual needs?) but that can't stop me from being depressed because of it.

Plus, my thumbdrive was also affected by the virus that was spread around through the school printing shop so yeah, all the files are gone there too but I don't think I have anything valuable in there, alhamdulillah.

But still, I've been really troubled because of it.. :( But /sigh/ I shouldn't be so concerned about such worldly matters.....

Oh well let's just see how it goes from here.

Ok now i really don't have anything to update on haha i'll just end this post here then! Bye!

Director's list!

I didn't expect it. At all.

We were just lounging and discussing our results as well as other classmates' results. And then the topic of directors list came out. Usually it's the normal 3 people that always get on the list but Saras (our lecturer) told us that this sem there are 4 people who got into the list and half of them were totally new people.

And then came the curiosity.

We began guessing and found out one of the new people who got in. We then decided to just beg Saras to tell us. I was still throwing out names when she suddenly turned to me and said like, Eh you don't talk too much skali its you.

I honestly started laughing. I gave up on that dream a long time ago. I was saying like HAHAHAHA No lah my results got B+ one! Then Mike said Ah Nic (the new person who got into the DL) also got B. At that point i was like... Oh. Really? Eiiiii no laaaahhhh. When Mike suddenly gave me his phone to properly check whether i got in or not and it turns out...

I got in. I. Got. Into. The. Director's. List.

I was numb thereon haha! It was so unexpected! Although i did realize that i only got in bcos i got the same results as Ah Nic (thus the 4 people in DL) and one of my classmates who has been on the DL for 3 consecutive semesters had some issues and didn't do as well this sem, those 2 factors contributed highly to why i got in.. But yeah. I'm really very grateful, alhamdulillah. Even though its most likely a one-time thing but this one time really meant a lot to me.

Alhamdulillah :))

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Year 3

Assalamualaikum!

Ah finally, Year 2 Sem 2 is officially over! All assignments handed in, results are out (except for attachment results), party poppers popped..... And a diploma plus module later, Year 3 has begun.

Yes, did not get enough rest, only a few days that I could afford to sleep in.. Life sucks already haha! Time flies so fast doesn't it? A year later we'll be graduating and leading our own lives.. I don't know if I'm prepared for it, honestly.

I'm turning 20 this year. I don't feel old actually, my mind still functions like a child haha! I still want to have fun, play pranks, fool around but society expects the opposite. Oh, society and it's expectations..

I've been trying to ge tout of my cave lately and actually applied to be a part of some alumni project that Irsyad is planning. I feel a bit uncomfortable, going to be around people whom i barely know, and rarely ever talk to.. It's sort of a step outside my comfort zone? But the one thing that made me sign up is that I really feel that I can contribute with all that I've learnt in Poly and hopefully, in sya Allah, it will be beneficial? I don't know. It doesn't stop me from being so frightened to socialize. Funny isn't it, a social work student who is scared of socializing. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

I just thought that, hell, I'm turning 20 this year, I better start doing something! And that's why I'm trying- TRYING only ah, this is like the 2nd prototype- to be aware of my diet recently. HAHA! The first try failed, mainly because I found out that I didn't have to take part in the idiot fitness test (I feel so cheated) but then I realized, again, that I'm turning 20 and not getting any healthier and I'm not even married yet so I better get started early. It's difficult, mind you, and actually money consuming but I really feel like I have to do this, for my own sake. Being someone who loves food and eats anything, it's really, really hard. But I'm taking it step by step. The exercising part is by far most difficult for me since I have very weak legs since I was a child and I can't walk for like an hour, I'll get exhausted. But, baby steps and hopefully I'll be able to run like all the others. Haha! And of course another one of my pet peeves- Heat. I hate sweating. I hate being out there in the Sun. Which is why I'm also having doubts about this exercise thing /sigh/ the most difficult part is the tudung of course, it'll be 10 times hotter if I ran with my tudung on so I'm still trying to figure that out.. Running in Singapore is out of the story already, lately it's been super humid and hot. So... Running whenever I'm in Johor maybe?

Ah then, another problem.. With the limited number of days till school officially reopens, I have limited days to relax and spend time catching up on my animes and movies. Most of the time when I'm in Johor, I'll spend the whole entire day doing that and I don't know if I can spare some time to actually go jogging/running.

Dilemmas, dilemmas. Oh well.

I don't really have anything much to update on.. There are some issues flying about but I'd rather not talk about it here. Let's just hope that everything will go well this year. Cheers to the last year of Poly!

7 more days!

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah a good 6 weeks have passed since attachment started! Supposedly i'm supposed to have 10 more days of work before i officially end attachment but because of the flea market that was held on that weekend, i only have 7 days left of work! YAY! More time for me to rest and more time for me to work on my assignment.

Yes even though i complain of boredom every day at work, i actually have a lot of assignments to finish HEHEHE but I take it slow hehe. Insya allah i'll be able to finish them all on time lah. Currently working on my last 2 reports. Also the reports for the home visits i conducted.

About those 2 home visits... Just to sum it up, I sucked. Terribly. In my opinion. The first one actually went quite well although i was quite kancheong but the flow went well. For the second one, I was so prepared to do well, I wasn't even nervous. But the moment we reached the gate... I heard a dog barking. THERE WAS A DOG. IN THE HOUSE. As much as the client tried to restrain the dog from walking around too much, she still let the dog roam around the house freely at times and I was so terrified, I froze. I kept getting stuck while asking questions because I was so distracted by the dog. I mean, cmon lah I AM A MALAY OF COURSE I AM TERRIFIED OF DOGS. No matter how cute some of them are, I am terrified of dogs, especially when they bark. So that was the end. No point sulking about it.

Instead, I invited the class for Seoul garden after group supervision on Friday! Had a wonderful time hanging out with them and having fun! Especially had fun playing with the squid HAHAHAHA it's like a tradition for us if we go to seoul garden! From Azizah's bday celebration to MY birthday celebration to this time, we ALWAYS play with the squid hahaha cos it looks so cute!

Okay then, just a short update because I felt like it haha! About the work envt, I've came to a point where i've already adapted to it. Who cares if no one talks to me at work, I'm only left with 7 more days and I'll just do my own thing at my cubicle. I'm here to learn, although it would've been nice if i'd made some good relationships with people there, but it can't be helped if they don't want to. Right now I'm just listening to music and watching shows while doing my work so the loneliness won't be felt so much when i'm alone.

Ok then, till next time!

Working life.

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah, I survived 4 weeks of attachment :) Just 4 more weeks to go!

I'm settling in quite well, already used to the workload. Our project, which was a flea market is done so we are more or less settled! Quite successful, we managed to earn like roughly $200 more than our target, which was totally unexpected.

Unfortunately, now i don't have an excuse to go over to the CCK Centre :( I've gotten really attached to some of the kids there and I know the staff there more than I know the staff at Woodlands. These 4 weeks, i think 3/4 of the time i spent it at CCK. Now that I'm back in Woodlands, everything feels so strange again.

Although one good thing is that I made friends with one of the Social Workers there which was totally unexpected! Since the Chinese staff there were away that time, I took the opportunity to ask her about the super quiet envt. So yeah, baby steps!

Next up is taking my own cases :/ Scheduled for 2 already in the 6th week. I don't think I'm confident but oh well, hentam je lah :p

I still do feel down sometimes in the office but I keep reminding myself that I've tried my best in socializing and now I should focus more on the professional aspect- which is to gain as much knowledge and experience working and not on the relationships. Which to me sucks because I hate not talking. I like to talk. I like to joke around, i like making lame jokes but I just can't do it at work because it's so quiet and they rarely ever talk to each other. I'm just an intern, I don't dare to make changes to the envt by being brave and doing something out of the blue like playing songs in the office or something because well, i'm only going to be there for another 4 more weeks.

I don't even get out of the office often because some of the staff still don't know me (HELL THEY WON'T EVEN OPEN THE OFFICE FOR ME WTH - but that's another story) and it's all awkward.

Emotionally, I'm suffering.

But then again there's only 4 more weeks left. I try to do my best everyday and the rest, I leave it up to Allah. I pray to Him to give me the strength - emotionally and physically - to go through each day because I know I can't do it without Him. I try to be positive in everything that I do, and sometimes even muster up the courage to do something I normally won't.

But then again, I'm not perfect. I still count the days left to attachment. I still count down the days left till the end of the day. I still look forward to the end of attachment. Is it wrong to do that? Does it seem like I'm not grateful for this chance given? I don't know. I really don't know....



/sigh/

Oh well. I still have a report to finish. And 5 daily journals to finish. And an assignment. And a translation. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH OMG I HAVE NO LIFE. TOO MUCH WORK TO DO. I'm in Johor right now but in the room and working on my assignment. Ah, working life sucks.

Bye!

Attachment

Assalamualaikum!

Ahh weekends. The first weekend since attachment started. Unlucky me got attached alone at an EIPIC Centre @ Woodlands... Although special needs was the sector that I myself chose but being attached to a centre alone is really quite depressing, especially when most of the time you're in the office and your colleagues are too quiet and busy with their work to talk to you :(

But I have my plans >:D

The first week was really hectic. Since i was the only social work intern there I got the opportunity to follow my sup for every single home visit and intake assessment that she did and had to do reports on each and every one. It was really too overwhelming for me. But i think it just so happened that my sup had a lot of sessions scheduled for my first week so I think next week there will be less. More time for to observe the kids yay!

Trying really hard to settle in, and being someone who hates changes but is always put in a situation where I keep having to deal with the changes... It was still difficult. It IS still difficult. I know, I've changed schools a lot every since kindergarten and every single time I had to deal with the changes alone. Frankly, I hate the first few weeks. You just feel so lonely and somethings I look at myself and think how pathetic I was for trying so hard to make new friends and fit in.

But this time round is was a bit different since I had my classmates supporting me through this stressful week. I really felt horrible halfway because of the culture shock- too much work, too many strangers etc but my classmates kept supporting me and I loved that. Although I still do get lonely a lot of times in the office... I just have to deal with it alone. Isn't that what I do the best. Self entertaining.

This greatly explains why I want to get married early =_= I want a lifelong companion man. I'm so lonely :(( HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH and I want 5 kids.

Anyway, I'm getting used to the workload (sometimes jealous of my friends who are stuck with admin work bcos I AM NECK DEEP IN WORK RN), still trying to get used to the timing (Workplace is at Admiralty and I wake up at 6 to go to work and reach home at approximately 8pm everyday), still trying to make friends... But yeah it's only 8 weeks so.. Ill just stay strong and deal with it. I hate being lonely man. I had to go through one whole year of that during Sec 3 and the feeling sucked so bad.

And I miss my classmates. So much. Only 2 years passed but we managed to form a bond so strong, it's only been one week and I miss our class, i miss them, i miss their nonsense, i miss our lecturers, i miss my table, i miss studying... /sigh

So funny how khai hk and i were discussing our project and we had to call our lecturer jocelyn for help and before we called her we were saying how badly we missed her and her perkiness and started to imagine how she'd pick up the call. When she finally did, with her classic perky greeting, WE JUST SCREAMED INTO THE PHONE MAN. WE MISSED HER SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH and listening to her voice really almost made me tear up because at the time i was so stressed and not used to the change and hearing her voice was like half the load off my shoulders. When you see her, you'll understand. She's like... a happy bug!!!

Yeah I still have some more work to do... But I was really happy to be able to sleep in today. And I decided to go to and from work with khai and hk who are stationed in CCK although i have a simpler route to go to and from work but seeing familiar faces really helps with my anxiety. And yes, I get really anxious every day and my hair is falling out because of all the stress.

Okay then, I'm going to spend the whole day finishing off ALL my work so the next few weeks I won't have so many things to do. Have a great weekend everybody!

Reflections

Assalamualaikum!

This is a bit late but here's a post on my reflections, not necessarily for the year of 2012 but maybe throughout these 2 years of being in poly?

Okay so here's the thing, our attachment is officially starting tomorrow. CRAZY RIGHT? Just 3 days after finishing our exams (which in my opinion did not go well but oh well, I tried my best) and just straightaway attachment! After attachment we'll be having a short break, then FYP! After FYP, another short break and straightaway attachment #2! THEN GRADUATION!!

Time is flying past way too fast and I don't think I'm prepared. I'm prepared to learn some more through FYP and attachments but I AM NOT READY TO BE SEPARATED FROM MY CLASSMATES! We've gotten too close over the years and to be honest, I actually look forward to seeing my classmates everyday because they're such a lovely bunch of people ♥ But now that attachment is starting and I'm actually going to be attached to a centre without a partner, oh my goodness I'm going to be so lonelyyyy.

I just hope it won't be another case like the time I worked at Suntec for a while. Eating lunch alone was so depressing and there was no one around my age to befriend. I really suffered man. Then I realized how I liked being around people. I mean yeah, I do like being alone but being alone has its limits man. Being around positive people really is quite fun!

Although I am set to come with a positive mind since I've been dreaming of working at EIPIC centre and experiencing what is it like there. My greatest fear however has always been one thing- counselling. I love doing group programmes and everything else but I am the most scared of counselling. And I have honestly no idea why. My stomach just shrivels at the thought of having to counsel someone, even if its in the presence of a supervisor. So idk, I think I'm going to bring it up to my sup one day.

Being someone who is super organized and hates unexpected things, I have come up with a list of things to prepare for the attachment like questions and notes and whatever. That was actually one thing that Jocelyn once commented during a counselling session (not one on one, the module counselling when we had fake counselling sessions) is that I'm too organized and prepare too much. Idk i hate not knowing what's going to happen so that's why i always prepare and have so many backup plans and i think of every possible outcome of something. I mean it's good to a certain extent lah but for counselling, I KNOW IT DOESN'T WORK because you have to follow the client's flow not your own so I guess that's what i'm most worried of? I hate the unexpected. I want to be prepared for everything. I want plans. Is it too demanding? Hahahahah idk laaahhhh wahlaaaooooo

Ok moving on!

FYP group! We decided on it after the placement briefing and I was really scared bcos majority voted for drawing lots so that's what we went through with. Anyway I voted for the other option which was to choose our own members but in the end I just left it all to Allah- I mean if i get a member whom I think I cannot work with, I'll just take it as another learning journey. Just like what I did last sem when we ended up with 4 members to work on our projects. Really challenging but I think we did really well :) Anyway after getting our groups, I realized.... I WAS SO BLESSED THAT DAY. All my groupmates are people who I get along really well with! I was so happy haha! Azizah, Kenji, Nadiah, Atika, Charmaine, Wenyang! 7 people in a group but I have faith that we can pull through!!

Ok gonna cut this post short, I actually have a meaningful thought to share but I've yet to process it so until then! :)