Way to make someone's self-esteem plummet. This feeling is like the time I honestly was inches away from hurting myself. I hate it. I hate that feeling at the bottom of my stomach that just won't go away. It makes me want to hurt myself to let it all out and curse myself for screwing everything up. This should be a lesson but I really don't take these kind of stresses very well. My emotions are unstable and this is making it fall way out of the line. Yes, I've learnt that self-mutilation is a stupid thing that people do to relieve their stress. It is a stupid decision that will hurt not only the person but also the people around that person.

But sometimes.. It really does do the job of relieving the stress, better than talking, better than ranting, better than ignoring the issue at hand. Because you know that everything is your fault and you should be the one taking responsibility for it. And cursing yourself and blaming yourself inside your head doesn't help at all. It doesn't make you feel better. No matter how much people try to console you, no matter how much you appreciate them for trying to make you feel better.. It still hurts, the guilt is still there, and nothing will change it. Except physically inflicting pain on yourself. To punish yourself on all that's happened. To physically punish, not just to psychologically destroy your mind (like that's not enough).

And now.. I understand why.

I love everyone and I appreciate your attempts at trying to make me feel better, I really do. Every time  you guys personally tell me that it's okay, I get it but I can't help but to have that surge of emotions and break down.

I'm sorry for disappointing you. Maybe I should just stop talking. Stop being so open. Stop opening up to everyone. Stop being such an open book. Stop being myself. Because like now, it might just be the one thing that attacks me back. Who knew being honest was such a mistake. Maybe I should just.. stop.