Assalamualaikum,
If you've noticed, I've been reposting a lot of uplifting/motivating stuff on fb/twitter/ig.. and here's my confession. I really needed it.
It's been a week since internship started and.. whoa.. i never knew it would be this difficult? Every single day since day 1, i went home feeling so mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. I've been sleeping at 9.30pm everyday wtf right i usually sleep at 3am. I have had to pick myself up at the end of every single day and give myself motivation every single morning.
To tell you the truth, it gets really depressing. Like I mentioned before, I'm not the sort of person to share? I mean, I cannnn but no one's asked, and everyone just seems so busy with their work and all and I don't want to bother them with my emotional needs lol. And it's been like this since day 1, through all my school transfers, new beginnings etc that I've built up enough resilience to get back up by myself. It gets lonely, yes. Many times. Countless times. But I've also realized that I shouldn't depend on people. I shouldn't place expectations on people. Because people are not perfect.
What you SHOULD do is pray. I've been looking forward to pray everyday just to have someone to talk to and share my worries. AND IT WORKS PEOPLE. IT WORKS! Of course, you don't get immediate answers/response but that belief that it'll all be okay, that you're going through this for a reason, that something better is waiting for you at the end of the tunnel, that Allah knows what you're going through, every single moment of anguish that you feel, he KNOWS and will not burden you more than you can handle.. having all these beliefs really help. You just have to turn to Him and He will turn to you, and help you through it, journey with you through it.
And it'll all be okay.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Day 0: A New Beginning
Assalamualaikum,
Ahh the time has come.
Internship.
Placement.
Whatever else you wanna call it.
Finally had time to settle down after exams for some self-care (i.e. karaoke and pigging out) and today's Sunday, a day that I had specially left plan-less to physically and mentally prepare for the start of internship tomorrow.
Since this internship does not require me to write daily journals (alhamdulillahirabbil 'alamin, arrahmanirrahim.. sumpah boleh sujud syukur kat sini jugak, i remember how dreadful it was in poly to do up daily journals throughout 2/3 months), i have decided that i'll record down my progress and thoughts here instead. I'm a very forgetful person, i rarely remember small details (i only remember 5 people's phone numbers and maybe less than 10 people's exact birthdates?) so i thought that by typing it down here it'll allow for a better reflection of my internship.
And god knows how conflicted I feel about this internship.
Lemme tell you a story.
So, the reason I specifically chose Dementia Day Care is.. because I wanted to challenge myself. I love interacting with the Elderly, and i sort of think that I'm good at it. But ever since my nenek passed on about a year plus ago, even though i can still interact and work with them.. personally I felt like the shittiest person on Earth because i haven't, to this day, forgiven myself about how I treated my nenek.
On a normal basis, I guess I treated her okay, there were good and bad days. But the months leading up to her death, after she suffered a minor stroke, I was the most horrible person ever. I won't recount what happened but I can remember those moments as clear as day, the hurt in her eyes.. the disappointment.. the frustration.. the love.. the resignation.. and it's something that up till this day I have yet to forgive myself about.
I was scared. It was something so foreign. Her being so weak, unable to do things on her own.. The weird behaviours.. I've always looked up to her as someone who was always there for me. No matter how bratty I was being, no matter how much I had misbehaved, she would always be there for me. But at that time she wasn't. I couldn't understand that she was dealing with it too. How difficult it must have been for her. How painful it must have been for her to see me react to her like that. How confused she herself must have been over the changes. I was so selfish about my own needs, I had wanted my grandmother, my old nenek so badly that I rejected the person she was turning into due to the after-effects of the stroke she had, the dementia she was developing. She wasn't the nenek that I knew.
I failed. As a granddaughter, I had failed in showing her the love and care that she rightfully deserved from me. I am a failure of a granddaughter. I even failed as a Social Work Associate, failed to accept a person the way he/she is.
And.. I can't turn back time. It's too late for me to make it up to her. I couldn't tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, how much i appreciated her existence. It's too late. She can never hear all that now. She was the one person that I cared most about in the world, simply because she made me feel accepted despite the brat that I was in my childhood. She accepted me the way I am. I was scolded a lot as a kid bcos i tend to have a mind of my own, not listening to parents for things i stand firm for, going about things my own way. I was always the odd one out in the family, I always felt left out, I always felt misunderstood. I wasn't close to neither my siblings nor my parents. I had no one to turn to during difficult times. Except for my nenek. The person that I loved most in the world, she who had accepted me for who I was.. I failed her. How pathetic right.
Moving on, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it. So i began thinking about what i COULD do. I wanted to make her proud. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be useful person. Someone who could express her thoughts and feelings well. Someone who could show her appreciation for the people that she loves. For her. In memory of her.
So pushing aside all those negative feelings, I wanted to challenge myself. To do something that I couldn't do then. To practise patience with those with dementia. To accept them for who they are. To recognize the worth. To understand their frustrations. To journey together with them into the unfamiliar thing that is of their own deteriorating condition.
To be honest, I don't know if i can do that. I don't know if i can separate my own feelings from theirs. Counter-transference is a huge issue that i foresee happening during this internship and frankly i ain't got no clue about how to deal with it. But i really want to challenge myself to be able to do it.
And this feeling of determination (and fear, lots of it) actually supersedes my usual fear and anxiety of change. Yknow how I usually go through this excruciating phase of anxiety whenever I move on to a new and unfamiliar setting, yeah I barely feel it now. Idk if that's good or bad haha.
But yeah, that's the story about how and why i chose this sector to intern in. There are also a few other things that i want to achieve, like maybe learning bits and pieces of mandarin for my potential Chinese clients lol i strongly predict a communication barrier there so I wanna try yknow learn enough to be able to communicate about basic stuff.
So yeap. This will be the place where I will let it all out. I'll be sharing more about what I did during the day, any learning points, reflections etc, a daily journal if you must (lol padahal that was the one thing that i hated doing, but well, it helps with personal growth).
Hope you guys don't get annoyed haha.
So let's do this!!
#prayforazlin
Ahh the time has come.
Internship.
Placement.
Whatever else you wanna call it.
Finally had time to settle down after exams for some self-care (i.e. karaoke and pigging out) and today's Sunday, a day that I had specially left plan-less to physically and mentally prepare for the start of internship tomorrow.
Since this internship does not require me to write daily journals (alhamdulillahirabbil 'alamin, arrahmanirrahim.. sumpah boleh sujud syukur kat sini jugak, i remember how dreadful it was in poly to do up daily journals throughout 2/3 months), i have decided that i'll record down my progress and thoughts here instead. I'm a very forgetful person, i rarely remember small details (i only remember 5 people's phone numbers and maybe less than 10 people's exact birthdates?) so i thought that by typing it down here it'll allow for a better reflection of my internship.
And god knows how conflicted I feel about this internship.
Lemme tell you a story.
So, the reason I specifically chose Dementia Day Care is.. because I wanted to challenge myself. I love interacting with the Elderly, and i sort of think that I'm good at it. But ever since my nenek passed on about a year plus ago, even though i can still interact and work with them.. personally I felt like the shittiest person on Earth because i haven't, to this day, forgiven myself about how I treated my nenek.
On a normal basis, I guess I treated her okay, there were good and bad days. But the months leading up to her death, after she suffered a minor stroke, I was the most horrible person ever. I won't recount what happened but I can remember those moments as clear as day, the hurt in her eyes.. the disappointment.. the frustration.. the love.. the resignation.. and it's something that up till this day I have yet to forgive myself about.
I was scared. It was something so foreign. Her being so weak, unable to do things on her own.. The weird behaviours.. I've always looked up to her as someone who was always there for me. No matter how bratty I was being, no matter how much I had misbehaved, she would always be there for me. But at that time she wasn't. I couldn't understand that she was dealing with it too. How difficult it must have been for her. How painful it must have been for her to see me react to her like that. How confused she herself must have been over the changes. I was so selfish about my own needs, I had wanted my grandmother, my old nenek so badly that I rejected the person she was turning into due to the after-effects of the stroke she had, the dementia she was developing. She wasn't the nenek that I knew.
I failed. As a granddaughter, I had failed in showing her the love and care that she rightfully deserved from me. I am a failure of a granddaughter. I even failed as a Social Work Associate, failed to accept a person the way he/she is.
And.. I can't turn back time. It's too late for me to make it up to her. I couldn't tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, how much i appreciated her existence. It's too late. She can never hear all that now. She was the one person that I cared most about in the world, simply because she made me feel accepted despite the brat that I was in my childhood. She accepted me the way I am. I was scolded a lot as a kid bcos i tend to have a mind of my own, not listening to parents for things i stand firm for, going about things my own way. I was always the odd one out in the family, I always felt left out, I always felt misunderstood. I wasn't close to neither my siblings nor my parents. I had no one to turn to during difficult times. Except for my nenek. The person that I loved most in the world, she who had accepted me for who I was.. I failed her. How pathetic right.
Moving on, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it. So i began thinking about what i COULD do. I wanted to make her proud. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be useful person. Someone who could express her thoughts and feelings well. Someone who could show her appreciation for the people that she loves. For her. In memory of her.
So pushing aside all those negative feelings, I wanted to challenge myself. To do something that I couldn't do then. To practise patience with those with dementia. To accept them for who they are. To recognize the worth. To understand their frustrations. To journey together with them into the unfamiliar thing that is of their own deteriorating condition.
To be honest, I don't know if i can do that. I don't know if i can separate my own feelings from theirs. Counter-transference is a huge issue that i foresee happening during this internship and frankly i ain't got no clue about how to deal with it. But i really want to challenge myself to be able to do it.
And this feeling of determination (and fear, lots of it) actually supersedes my usual fear and anxiety of change. Yknow how I usually go through this excruciating phase of anxiety whenever I move on to a new and unfamiliar setting, yeah I barely feel it now. Idk if that's good or bad haha.
But yeah, that's the story about how and why i chose this sector to intern in. There are also a few other things that i want to achieve, like maybe learning bits and pieces of mandarin for my potential Chinese clients lol i strongly predict a communication barrier there so I wanna try yknow learn enough to be able to communicate about basic stuff.
So yeap. This will be the place where I will let it all out. I'll be sharing more about what I did during the day, any learning points, reflections etc, a daily journal if you must (lol padahal that was the one thing that i hated doing, but well, it helps with personal growth).
Hope you guys don't get annoyed haha.
So let's do this!!
#prayforazlin
Thursday, May 5, 2016
A Front
Assalamualaikum,
I have never been in such a foul/numb mood before. I woke up today feeling all sorts of negative emotions and i have no idea why..? Firstly I felt numb like I couldn't think about anything, I couldn't feel any strong emotions, I tried to make myself laugh but i couldn't, I just couldn't feel anything. I somewhat felt as if I was repressing my emotions for too long to the point that I got numb.
Hah, and there I was a few days ago priding myself and the fact my emotions were stable and my life was going smooth and I was coping well pft. As if. More like I was repressing all the negative emotions i was feeling. and i think it sort of got too much and exploded (not really more like internally exploded) and am all numb now.
I think studying for 2105 made me reflect on my defense mechanisms and i identified really well with repression and rationalization and it sort of made me reflect (again. when do i not.). even when my grandmother died i was the one who cried last cos nazhir was this close to a tantrum cos everyone in the car was crying and i had to explain to him what happened.
i've been thinking a lot about something. i keep reflecting about all these stuff and i wondered if.. am i lonely? I have so many friends, close friends but none that i talk to about deep stuff. or issit i always avoid talking about my negative emotions? do i? i have a sinking feeling that i do heh. but idk how else to go about doing it. i mean, i don't mind talking about it but well, no one really asked.
In the end, I'm just like you. Who was I kidding, what maturity. I'm no better than you. I just told you stuff that made me seem as if I got my life all sorted out but in actual fact, I'm nowhere near. It was all just a front I guess. And it's gotten to a point where I'm just.. tired of this.
I'm tired of being the only one who makes an effort..
I have never been in such a foul/numb mood before. I woke up today feeling all sorts of negative emotions and i have no idea why..? Firstly I felt numb like I couldn't think about anything, I couldn't feel any strong emotions, I tried to make myself laugh but i couldn't, I just couldn't feel anything. I somewhat felt as if I was repressing my emotions for too long to the point that I got numb.
Hah, and there I was a few days ago priding myself and the fact my emotions were stable and my life was going smooth and I was coping well pft. As if. More like I was repressing all the negative emotions i was feeling. and i think it sort of got too much and exploded (not really more like internally exploded) and am all numb now.
I think studying for 2105 made me reflect on my defense mechanisms and i identified really well with repression and rationalization and it sort of made me reflect (again. when do i not.). even when my grandmother died i was the one who cried last cos nazhir was this close to a tantrum cos everyone in the car was crying and i had to explain to him what happened.
i've been thinking a lot about something. i keep reflecting about all these stuff and i wondered if.. am i lonely? I have so many friends, close friends but none that i talk to about deep stuff. or issit i always avoid talking about my negative emotions? do i? i have a sinking feeling that i do heh. but idk how else to go about doing it. i mean, i don't mind talking about it but well, no one really asked.
In the end, I'm just like you. Who was I kidding, what maturity. I'm no better than you. I just told you stuff that made me seem as if I got my life all sorted out but in actual fact, I'm nowhere near. It was all just a front I guess. And it's gotten to a point where I'm just.. tired of this.
I'm tired of being the only one who makes an effort..
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Round 2
Assalamualaikum,
Lots of thinking I've been doing these days. My mind is saturated with so many thoughts and it is really rather frustrating. Let's sort this through one by one.
1. Social Work
There is this one thing that I hate about this line of work. All relationships that I forge with clients are a means to an end. I dive into them knowing that the relationship is going to end once the client is able to pick his or herself up and be independent. I know that it sounds selfish.. but I put so much effort into building a relationship.. only to cut ties after that?
It's kind of a bittersweet thing, somewhat like raising your kid only to have them move out of the house when they're old enough. I should be happy right? That they can manage on their own? Am I being selfish? For wanting to continue with the relationship? It's not like I want them to continue relying on me, I just.. want to be in contact. All these people that I have helped, am going to help in the future.. Why can't they continue being in my life? Why does it have to be so professional?
2. Listen to understand
This is something that I really have to work on. Going through that counselling mod in poly has made me very aware of the questions that I ask, the replies I give. However, it has gotten to a point where I am so, so conscious of the things that I say and get so paranoid about giving the right answers that I fail to really listen?
To people reading my blog, I really do want to listen to your stories. I want to hear and understand your struggles. And if you'll allow me, and if you want me to, I am willing to help you. But what's more important, I am really, really, willing to listen. I won't judge. I will try not to at least..? If you don't feel like I'm really listening, remind me, tell me. Because all in all, all that I want to do is to understand you better. To know you better.
I was doing my readings for this particular module that I'm taking (Values and skills of a helping relationship) and this therapist was saying that in his earlier days working, he always asked himself "How can I change this person? How can I treat, cure this person?" but now, he totally reframed the question and now, asks himself "How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?". And that is the kind of friend that I want to be. One who listens. One who understands. And through that, in sya Allah, help them, though indirectly because change comes from within. I can't aim to change a person. Only the person can change his or herself. Inside everyone is that innate ability or capacity to understand, and process their life experiences and grow, learn from them. You don't need a person to do that for you.
3. Thoughts
I keep encouraging people to share... when the truth is.. I don't even do that. How hypocritical right? I'm this Social Worker in training, telling people that they'll feel better if they share about their struggles, dreams, hopes, everything when I don't even do that.
On the surface, yes, I do talk a lot, I share a lot. But someone told me once that I don't really share, not about really deep issues. I share with people things that I have already resolved, chapters that I have closed. But deep inside, there are still so many untold stories that are secretly tearing me apart inside. Unresolved issues. My weaknesses.
I want to say that, well, no one's really asked. But then again, even if someone were to ask me.. I don't think I'm ready to share. I think it really depends on the person, if I feel comfortable enough to share with the person. But that fear, that anxiety is so strong.
Then I reflected again (this must be the most I've reflected in the past few weeks lol brain is fried) and wow. This must be how my clients felt like. And.. man it's tough. It's hard. I totally get it now why people are fearful of talking about really deep stuff. But doesn't mean that you shouldn't try right? Maybe I should start listening to myself and really share.
Alrighty then, of course I have a lot of other things to talk about but exams broo exams. 2 more papers left to end of year 1 (oh my god??), #prayforazlin okay guys.
Lots of thinking I've been doing these days. My mind is saturated with so many thoughts and it is really rather frustrating. Let's sort this through one by one.
1. Social Work
There is this one thing that I hate about this line of work. All relationships that I forge with clients are a means to an end. I dive into them knowing that the relationship is going to end once the client is able to pick his or herself up and be independent. I know that it sounds selfish.. but I put so much effort into building a relationship.. only to cut ties after that?
It's kind of a bittersweet thing, somewhat like raising your kid only to have them move out of the house when they're old enough. I should be happy right? That they can manage on their own? Am I being selfish? For wanting to continue with the relationship? It's not like I want them to continue relying on me, I just.. want to be in contact. All these people that I have helped, am going to help in the future.. Why can't they continue being in my life? Why does it have to be so professional?
2. Listen to understand
This is something that I really have to work on. Going through that counselling mod in poly has made me very aware of the questions that I ask, the replies I give. However, it has gotten to a point where I am so, so conscious of the things that I say and get so paranoid about giving the right answers that I fail to really listen?
To people reading my blog, I really do want to listen to your stories. I want to hear and understand your struggles. And if you'll allow me, and if you want me to, I am willing to help you. But what's more important, I am really, really, willing to listen. I won't judge. I will try not to at least..? If you don't feel like I'm really listening, remind me, tell me. Because all in all, all that I want to do is to understand you better. To know you better.
I was doing my readings for this particular module that I'm taking (Values and skills of a helping relationship) and this therapist was saying that in his earlier days working, he always asked himself "How can I change this person? How can I treat, cure this person?" but now, he totally reframed the question and now, asks himself "How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?". And that is the kind of friend that I want to be. One who listens. One who understands. And through that, in sya Allah, help them, though indirectly because change comes from within. I can't aim to change a person. Only the person can change his or herself. Inside everyone is that innate ability or capacity to understand, and process their life experiences and grow, learn from them. You don't need a person to do that for you.
3. Thoughts
I keep encouraging people to share... when the truth is.. I don't even do that. How hypocritical right? I'm this Social Worker in training, telling people that they'll feel better if they share about their struggles, dreams, hopes, everything when I don't even do that.
On the surface, yes, I do talk a lot, I share a lot. But someone told me once that I don't really share, not about really deep issues. I share with people things that I have already resolved, chapters that I have closed. But deep inside, there are still so many untold stories that are secretly tearing me apart inside. Unresolved issues. My weaknesses.
I want to say that, well, no one's really asked. But then again, even if someone were to ask me.. I don't think I'm ready to share. I think it really depends on the person, if I feel comfortable enough to share with the person. But that fear, that anxiety is so strong.
Then I reflected again (this must be the most I've reflected in the past few weeks lol brain is fried) and wow. This must be how my clients felt like. And.. man it's tough. It's hard. I totally get it now why people are fearful of talking about really deep stuff. But doesn't mean that you shouldn't try right? Maybe I should start listening to myself and really share.
Alrighty then, of course I have a lot of other things to talk about but exams broo exams. 2 more papers left to end of year 1 (oh my god??), #prayforazlin okay guys.
Friday, April 22, 2016
I AM SUDDENLY SO EMOTIONAL. After reading this article about how this guy and his wife kena black magic.
And i am so worried for my parents. for my siblings, for my family. i swear to god i am prepared to risk anything for them. i'd drop anything for them. i'd sacrifice anything for them. just for their safety. their happiness.
but there's only so much i can do and i am so worried that it's not enough.
And i am so worried for my parents. for my siblings, for my family. i swear to god i am prepared to risk anything for them. i'd drop anything for them. i'd sacrifice anything for them. just for their safety. their happiness.
but there's only so much i can do and i am so worried that it's not enough.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Musings.
Assalamualaikum,
Ah, the time has come for a very reflective post. I've been having a lot of thoughts in my mind that I need to straighten out. I've been asking myself questions, very reflective questions that have been making me.. well, question myself about who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be.
To begin, I'll ask myself, how did this even start? Why the sudden need to reflect? What happened?
Well, lots of things happened. University happened. Friends happened. CCA happened. Life happened. It's been a whirlwind of changes and I've been discovering more about myself throughout. I've never been one to step outside my comfort zone and try something new. I preferred stability, homeostasis, comfort. But then university happened and I thought, hey, this is probably your last chance at doing things that you've always wanted to do. By the time you graduate, you'll be working, getting married, having children. So let's get out of this rock and just go for it. And so I did, but a question that nagged me every time was that, are my intentions right? Am I joining CCA just to find potential suitors? Or do I want to contribute to the community? Or do I want to continue to surround myself with righteous people who will remind me of the right path? Or do I want to gain more friends and gain popularity? And when I think about it, every single question I stated just now was true. Some might me wrong, some might be right. But I can't lie to myself and act as if I'm doing this for all the right reasons when it's actually a combination of both. What's so wrong with that?
Well, nothing. I'm human. I'm not perfect and I acknowledge that. I might be partly doing it for the wrong reasons now but I am aware of it and hope that it will serve as a constant reminder to do it for the right reasons instead. Idk if that made any sense but it does to me haha. I guess it's just a way of normalizing my actions and thoughts because, no one is perfect. What you can do is constantly try and perfect yourself and your iman and deen but sometimes you will stumble and during those trying times, that thought, that realization/awareness that your initial intentions were skewed will make you return to the right reasons.
Another example, and this one I am basically pouring my heart out here. I.. have taken a liking to someone haha. And I hate it. I hate the obsession that comes along with liking someone. That constant need to be validated, that constant need to attract their attention, that longing. It's making me hate myself and what I do to achieve it.
If I were to like someone, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with them. If they liked me enough, then they would say their intentions to me, to get to know me and then we'll see how it goes.
I don't want to exchange lovey dovey text messages, good night messages, good morning messages. I want messages like whether i've prayed, i want our text messages to be discussions about life, about God, about our goals in life to see if we match well.
Right now I am so consumed by my attraction to him, and I hate it. So what do I do? I did what I did the last time I really liked someone. I prayed. I asked God, if this guy was really meant for me, if his name is the name that's written on the Luh Mahfuz for me, then open his heart for me. But if he's not, then close up my heart for him. Take me away from him, distance him from me. Look at it this way, if the guys really isn't meant for you and you end up spending time and effort on a relationship that ended up not working out.. isn't it a waste of time? isn't it a disgrace to your future husband, somewhat? I would want to keep myself pure for my future husband because he deserves it. He deserves the best from me, he deserves my firsts and my lasts, my loyalty, my devotion. So if this guy that I'm crushing on isn't really the one for me then I don't want to even start anything with him.
Even if the guy IS meant for me but Allah thinks that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship then I also pray to Him to keep me away from the person. Because then I'll only do wrong for him. I want to be a support to him, I want him to be my partner in getting Allah's blessings and pleasure, I want us to work together to become better Muslims and remind each other to remain on the right path. If Allah thinks that I'm not ready, then wouldn't i be doing more harm than good if i enter into a relationship prematurely? No one deserves that. I do not want to be the person to lead others to do wrong deeds. I do not want to be the person that distracts others from doing the right thing, from their own worship.
So I pray to God to lead me to right path and back then, He really did. The guy (the previous one not the current one) like.. really.. disappeared lol. And even though i was heartbroken, a little bit cheated but I was so thankful that it stopped before things progressed even further.
And right now, I am praying for the exact same thing. I think I'll be more heartbroken this time but really, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be Azlin. When the time comes for you to deal with the heartbreak, then you deal with it. You cry, you get sad but you HAVE to get over it and move on because life does not revolve around getting a life partner. You have so many things that you want to achieve in life, focus on that. Focus on your relationship with Allah.
And this, has led me to string of reflections:
The first question that I asked myself, what sort of person do I want to become?
Well first of all, I don't want to be a hypocrite. I hold strong values on certain issues and my biggest regret is not following some of them. I know exactly where my weaknesses are and yet I'm not doing anything about it. It's either that or I've tried so many times but always end up in the same cycle, being distracted and falling back to my old ways.
Involving myself in CCAs have made me realize how much i love making new friends. but what do i want to do with having new friends? I want to make dakwah to them. I want to be the kind of person who invites them to religious talks, encourage them to think about what they want to do in life, support them in the things that they are doing right, advise them on the things they are doing wrong. I want to lead people to the right path. I love seeing people happy. I love seeing them do good things. I love seeing their strength, their resilience, their determination. I get inspired. I get closer to God. I realized that the peak of my iman was in Secondary school when i was constantly surrounded by people of faith. And I sort of want that again. But i don't want to just be surrounded by them, my dream is to be that person who is one of them. If i were to go back to an islamic environment, i would only be benefitting myself and not others. But i love to share good stuff with others. So why not surround myself in another setting and create that kind of setting myself? I'm not the most perfect person to do it but i think i am reflective enough to be able to do it. And I guess this will be my goal haha! That's the kind of person that I want to become.
I've always found it difficult to commit to prayers. This is a huge huge huge problem for me. I end up being distracted by life, by my efforts in becoming a righteous person, by my goals in life (which ironically related back to Allah) but sometimes, i can't for the life of drag myself to pray on time, or to even pray for that matter.
I went for this talk the other day, and it struck me when the Ustaz said that missing your prayers is a debt. You can't just pray to Allah if you've missed your prayers and hope that He will forgive you. He will, but you will still have to pay it back. The concept of being indebted to someone, just because you borrowed money from someone and couldn't pay it back doesn't mean that you don't need to pay it back. you still have to. and that really struck me man. and struck another lazy chord in me. but this is really something i need to work on, pronto.
Tbh, I love praying. I love communicating with Allah. I love thanking Him, saying my love for Him. I love the feeling of fulfilment that it gives me. It makes me so happy after a fulfilling prayer session. It's just that I am just so distracted most of the time by life that i can't focus and when i can't focus, i get lazy. So thought of listing some reasons to psycho myself into praying a fulfilling prayer.
Why do I want to communicate to Allah? Why should I put 100% of my focus into prayers?
1. To thank Him. He has blessed me with uncountable blessings that I can't even begin to share. My family, friends, my country, my body, my brain, my religion, my Prophet. Imagine giving birth to a child and raising him up only for him to forget about you. How would you feel? Betrayed? Hopeless? Angry? Well, imagine how Allah feels whenever i miss my prayers or when i forget about Him? So what can we do to show our appreciation? We pray.
2. To say sorry to Him. We commit so many sins on a daily basis. I would say one of the biggest wrongdoing would be forgetting him when we go about in life. When everything that we do should have a purpose, and that is Allah. To serve Him, to please Him, to gain His barakah. Make it a habit to think about Him in every single thing that you do. Put reminders if you must, in your phone, on your table, on your mirror, everything. Let Him guide the way you interact with people, the way you speak, the way you do things.
3. To ask Him for things. the most important one being, to lead us to the right path.
4. To tell Him about my day. Share your happiness, your sadness, your anger. Because He is the one you should go to when you have problems.
Alright, this post is getting a little bit haywire, same with my thoughts and I'm sort of sleepy right now and I hafta wake up early to sahur later. Until the next time, maybe I'll have the motivation to edit this post into a more structured one haha. I should really continue updating more often, my writing and speaking skills have been rotting, like I seriously have trouble communicating my thoughts a lot of times and end up sounding like a bimbo haha.
Till the next time!
Assalamualaikum.
Ah, the time has come for a very reflective post. I've been having a lot of thoughts in my mind that I need to straighten out. I've been asking myself questions, very reflective questions that have been making me.. well, question myself about who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be.
To begin, I'll ask myself, how did this even start? Why the sudden need to reflect? What happened?
Well, lots of things happened. University happened. Friends happened. CCA happened. Life happened. It's been a whirlwind of changes and I've been discovering more about myself throughout. I've never been one to step outside my comfort zone and try something new. I preferred stability, homeostasis, comfort. But then university happened and I thought, hey, this is probably your last chance at doing things that you've always wanted to do. By the time you graduate, you'll be working, getting married, having children. So let's get out of this rock and just go for it. And so I did, but a question that nagged me every time was that, are my intentions right? Am I joining CCA just to find potential suitors? Or do I want to contribute to the community? Or do I want to continue to surround myself with righteous people who will remind me of the right path? Or do I want to gain more friends and gain popularity? And when I think about it, every single question I stated just now was true. Some might me wrong, some might be right. But I can't lie to myself and act as if I'm doing this for all the right reasons when it's actually a combination of both. What's so wrong with that?
Well, nothing. I'm human. I'm not perfect and I acknowledge that. I might be partly doing it for the wrong reasons now but I am aware of it and hope that it will serve as a constant reminder to do it for the right reasons instead. Idk if that made any sense but it does to me haha. I guess it's just a way of normalizing my actions and thoughts because, no one is perfect. What you can do is constantly try and perfect yourself and your iman and deen but sometimes you will stumble and during those trying times, that thought, that realization/awareness that your initial intentions were skewed will make you return to the right reasons.
Another example, and this one I am basically pouring my heart out here. I.. have taken a liking to someone haha. And I hate it. I hate the obsession that comes along with liking someone. That constant need to be validated, that constant need to attract their attention, that longing. It's making me hate myself and what I do to achieve it.
If I were to like someone, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with them. If they liked me enough, then they would say their intentions to me, to get to know me and then we'll see how it goes.
I don't want to exchange lovey dovey text messages, good night messages, good morning messages. I want messages like whether i've prayed, i want our text messages to be discussions about life, about God, about our goals in life to see if we match well.
Right now I am so consumed by my attraction to him, and I hate it. So what do I do? I did what I did the last time I really liked someone. I prayed. I asked God, if this guy was really meant for me, if his name is the name that's written on the Luh Mahfuz for me, then open his heart for me. But if he's not, then close up my heart for him. Take me away from him, distance him from me. Look at it this way, if the guys really isn't meant for you and you end up spending time and effort on a relationship that ended up not working out.. isn't it a waste of time? isn't it a disgrace to your future husband, somewhat? I would want to keep myself pure for my future husband because he deserves it. He deserves the best from me, he deserves my firsts and my lasts, my loyalty, my devotion. So if this guy that I'm crushing on isn't really the one for me then I don't want to even start anything with him.
Even if the guy IS meant for me but Allah thinks that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship then I also pray to Him to keep me away from the person. Because then I'll only do wrong for him. I want to be a support to him, I want him to be my partner in getting Allah's blessings and pleasure, I want us to work together to become better Muslims and remind each other to remain on the right path. If Allah thinks that I'm not ready, then wouldn't i be doing more harm than good if i enter into a relationship prematurely? No one deserves that. I do not want to be the person to lead others to do wrong deeds. I do not want to be the person that distracts others from doing the right thing, from their own worship.
So I pray to God to lead me to right path and back then, He really did. The guy (the previous one not the current one) like.. really.. disappeared lol. And even though i was heartbroken, a little bit cheated but I was so thankful that it stopped before things progressed even further.
And right now, I am praying for the exact same thing. I think I'll be more heartbroken this time but really, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be Azlin. When the time comes for you to deal with the heartbreak, then you deal with it. You cry, you get sad but you HAVE to get over it and move on because life does not revolve around getting a life partner. You have so many things that you want to achieve in life, focus on that. Focus on your relationship with Allah.
And this, has led me to string of reflections:
The first question that I asked myself, what sort of person do I want to become?
Well first of all, I don't want to be a hypocrite. I hold strong values on certain issues and my biggest regret is not following some of them. I know exactly where my weaknesses are and yet I'm not doing anything about it. It's either that or I've tried so many times but always end up in the same cycle, being distracted and falling back to my old ways.
Involving myself in CCAs have made me realize how much i love making new friends. but what do i want to do with having new friends? I want to make dakwah to them. I want to be the kind of person who invites them to religious talks, encourage them to think about what they want to do in life, support them in the things that they are doing right, advise them on the things they are doing wrong. I want to lead people to the right path. I love seeing people happy. I love seeing them do good things. I love seeing their strength, their resilience, their determination. I get inspired. I get closer to God. I realized that the peak of my iman was in Secondary school when i was constantly surrounded by people of faith. And I sort of want that again. But i don't want to just be surrounded by them, my dream is to be that person who is one of them. If i were to go back to an islamic environment, i would only be benefitting myself and not others. But i love to share good stuff with others. So why not surround myself in another setting and create that kind of setting myself? I'm not the most perfect person to do it but i think i am reflective enough to be able to do it. And I guess this will be my goal haha! That's the kind of person that I want to become.
I've always found it difficult to commit to prayers. This is a huge huge huge problem for me. I end up being distracted by life, by my efforts in becoming a righteous person, by my goals in life (which ironically related back to Allah) but sometimes, i can't for the life of drag myself to pray on time, or to even pray for that matter.
I went for this talk the other day, and it struck me when the Ustaz said that missing your prayers is a debt. You can't just pray to Allah if you've missed your prayers and hope that He will forgive you. He will, but you will still have to pay it back. The concept of being indebted to someone, just because you borrowed money from someone and couldn't pay it back doesn't mean that you don't need to pay it back. you still have to. and that really struck me man. and struck another lazy chord in me. but this is really something i need to work on, pronto.
Tbh, I love praying. I love communicating with Allah. I love thanking Him, saying my love for Him. I love the feeling of fulfilment that it gives me. It makes me so happy after a fulfilling prayer session. It's just that I am just so distracted most of the time by life that i can't focus and when i can't focus, i get lazy. So thought of listing some reasons to psycho myself into praying a fulfilling prayer.
Why do I want to communicate to Allah? Why should I put 100% of my focus into prayers?
1. To thank Him. He has blessed me with uncountable blessings that I can't even begin to share. My family, friends, my country, my body, my brain, my religion, my Prophet. Imagine giving birth to a child and raising him up only for him to forget about you. How would you feel? Betrayed? Hopeless? Angry? Well, imagine how Allah feels whenever i miss my prayers or when i forget about Him? So what can we do to show our appreciation? We pray.
2. To say sorry to Him. We commit so many sins on a daily basis. I would say one of the biggest wrongdoing would be forgetting him when we go about in life. When everything that we do should have a purpose, and that is Allah. To serve Him, to please Him, to gain His barakah. Make it a habit to think about Him in every single thing that you do. Put reminders if you must, in your phone, on your table, on your mirror, everything. Let Him guide the way you interact with people, the way you speak, the way you do things.
3. To ask Him for things. the most important one being, to lead us to the right path.
4. To tell Him about my day. Share your happiness, your sadness, your anger. Because He is the one you should go to when you have problems.
Alright, this post is getting a little bit haywire, same with my thoughts and I'm sort of sleepy right now and I hafta wake up early to sahur later. Until the next time, maybe I'll have the motivation to edit this post into a more structured one haha. I should really continue updating more often, my writing and speaking skills have been rotting, like I seriously have trouble communicating my thoughts a lot of times and end up sounding like a bimbo haha.
Till the next time!
Assalamualaikum.
Marriage?
Assalamualaikum,
Read this on tumblr and absolutely loved it! May it guide people to the right path.
"“Kau ni memang taknak kahwin ke?“
Read this on tumblr and absolutely loved it! May it guide people to the right path.
"“Kau ni memang taknak kahwin ke?“
Soal seorang teman secara tiba-tiba. Saya yang sedang menulis terhenti seketika, memandangnya sekilas sambil kembali menghadap buku.
"Apa kau merepek?"
"Apa kau merepek?"
Saya membalas ringkas.
"Yela, kau ni asyik busy je macam tak fikir pun nak kahwin, peliklah aku.”
“Kenapa kau nak kahwin?"
"Yela, kau ni asyik busy je macam tak fikir pun nak kahwin, peliklah aku.”
“Kenapa kau nak kahwin?"
Pen saya letakkan sebentar di atas meja sambil mengurut-urut bahu sendiri. Penat.
"So, betullah kau taknak kahwin?” Soalan saya dibalas soalan.
"So, betullah kau taknak kahwin?” Soalan saya dibalas soalan.
Saya senyum.
“Aku pernah pergi satu talk tu, ada sesuatu yang ahli panel tu cakap yang buat aku berfikir sampai sekarang.”
“Apa dia?”
“Apa dia?”
“Kalau nak kahwin, bagi sebab nak kahwin dan sebab tu dibentangkan depan Allah dan Rasulullah, mereka boleh senyum dan suka maka kahwinlah."
Saya menarik nafas,
"Sebab tu aku tanya kau kenapa nak kahwin.”
“Sebab nak elak maksiat?”
“Sebab nak elak maksiat?”
“Bagi aku, orang yang bagi sebab nak kahwin sebab nak elak maksiat adalah orang-orang yang jalan hidupnya penuh dengan jalan-jalan menuju kemaksiatan. Tak mungkin orang yang tidak mendekati jalan-jalan maksiat perlu khuatir akan terjebak dengan maksiat. Macam kau lalu jalan KL tapi khuatir sampai London."
Saya ketawa sendiri,
"Lagipun siapa jamin lepas kahwin kau tak mendekati maksiat? Kau tengok sendiri surat khabar berapa banyak kes-kes suami isteri curang.”
Dia merenung jauh,
Dia merenung jauh,
“Sebab nak lengkapkan separuh Agama?”
Saya tersenyum,
Saya tersenyum,
“Aku teringat kata-kata prof dr Yusuf Al-Qaradhawi. kau nak dengar?”
“Ceritalah.”
“Ceritalah.”
“Katanya, semata-mata bernikah belumlah menunaikan makna melengkapkan separuh Agama, bahkan bernikah dengan wanita solehah, yang dapat membantu urusan Agama sang lelaki itulah dapat menunaikan maksud itu. Yang mengingatkan tatkala pasangannya lupa dengan urusan kepada Tuhannya. Yang mengingatkan apabila dia lalai dari kewajipannya, yang menguatkan pasanganya apabila dia lemah dari menunaikan tanggungjawab dakwahnya.”
Saya berhenti, menarik nafas panjang, terasa sebak didada mengenangkan bait-bait kalimah ulama’ tersohor itu, “Bahkan, boleh jadi nikah dengan pasangan yang kurang agamanya akan menjadi punca kemerosotan pasangannya. Dalam kalangan ikhwan, apabila seorang lelaki berkahwin dengan seorang wanita lalu semakin susut dari dakwah dan tanggungjawabnya maka mereka akan berkata, semoga Allah merahmatinya, dia telah pun meninggal pergi disibukkan dengan isterinya!”
Dia diam lama, sebelum kembali bertanya,
“So kau tak nak usaha ke? ke kau ni memilih sangat?”
“Aku tengah usahalah ni. Usaha perbaiki diri, kalau ada pasangan aku kat dunia pun aku harap dia sedang memperbaiki diri, bersabar dan bersangka baik dengan Allah.”
“Kau tak takut ke orang cerca kau kahwin lambat.”
“Aku baru 26 kot.” Saya tergelak besar,
“lagipun kahwin lambat tu subjektif, kat negara arab maybe 18 tahun dah tua, kat korea 30 tahun pun muda lagi nak kahwin, kat England takde cop too old to get married. Benda subjektif, kau nak fikir cakap orang buat apa, asalkan Allah tak marah sudahlah.”
“Kau ni mas, ade je nak menjawab kan.”
Kami ketawa bersama,
Kami ketawa bersama,
“Yang aku pelik, baju pengantin atau kain kapan, yang mana satu aku akan pakai dulu takde siapa tahu tapi tak pernah pula ada orang tanya aku — macam mana? dah ready ke nak jumpa Allah.”
Kami sama-sama diam. Cuba meneliti hati masing-masing.
Yang paling penting — menilik-nilik diri, siapalah aku di hadapanMu, Ilahi. Bernikah atau tidak, ia rahsia mutlak pemilik diri, maka fokuslah pada apa yang pasti. Agama ini. Jalan ini. Bukankah terlalu banyak masa yang kita buang pergi — Sampai saudara-saudara kita pun kita tak peduli lagi.
Bagi sahabat-sahabat yang awal melangkah ke dalam ‘masjid’ itu, dan kita yang masih duduk di luar masjid maka bersabarlah menunggu.
Menunggu dengan penuh kesabaran dan keikhlasan.
Bagi sahabat-sahabat yang awal melangkah ke dalam ‘masjid’ itu, dan kita yang masih duduk di luar masjid maka bersabarlah menunggu.
Menunggu dengan penuh kesabaran dan keikhlasan.
Allah Maha Adil lagi Maha Penyayang. Mana mungkin Dia tidak mengendahkan kita yang tetap setia beriman kepadaNya?
Mana mungkin, Dia tidak mempedulikan rintihan jiwa kita, jeritan batin kita sedang Allah lagi sangat Memahami semua rasa itu lebih dari manusia?
Tenang-tenanglah. Semakin hebat amal dan kedekatan seseorang itu kepadaNya, semakin Allah sayang.
Mana mungkin, Dia tidak mempedulikan rintihan jiwa kita, jeritan batin kita sedang Allah lagi sangat Memahami semua rasa itu lebih dari manusia?
Tenang-tenanglah. Semakin hebat amal dan kedekatan seseorang itu kepadaNya, semakin Allah sayang.
Bila Allah semakin sayang, pastinya Allah nak serahkan diri kita kepada hamba yang paling terbaik. Yang akan menyayangi dan menghargai kita sepenuh hati kelak. InshaAllah Ta'ala, amin.
“Selagi bergelar bujang, kita masih bisa merebut ‘cinta ekslusif’ dari Tuhan.
Yakinlah, pasti cinta insan yang paling 'ekslusif’ juga yang akan Allah berikan!”
Barakallah buat mereka yang telah selamat menyempurnakan deenNya. Semoga sempurna jua cinta itu untuk dibawa hingga ke syurga Illahi. Wallahhu Ta'ala A'lam."
“Selagi bergelar bujang, kita masih bisa merebut ‘cinta ekslusif’ dari Tuhan.
Yakinlah, pasti cinta insan yang paling 'ekslusif’ juga yang akan Allah berikan!”
Barakallah buat mereka yang telah selamat menyempurnakan deenNya. Semoga sempurna jua cinta itu untuk dibawa hingga ke syurga Illahi. Wallahhu Ta'ala A'lam."
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