A Front

Assalamualaikum,

I have never been in such a foul/numb mood before. I woke up today feeling all sorts of negative emotions and i have no idea why..? Firstly I felt numb like I couldn't think about anything, I couldn't feel any strong emotions, I tried to make myself laugh but i couldn't, I just couldn't feel anything. I somewhat felt as if I was repressing my emotions for too long to the point that I got numb.

Hah, and there I was a few days ago priding myself and the fact my emotions were stable and my life was going smooth and I was coping well pft. As if. More like I was repressing all the negative emotions i was feeling. and i think it sort of got too much and exploded (not really more like internally exploded) and am all numb now.

I think studying for 2105 made me reflect on my defense mechanisms and i identified really well with repression and rationalization and it sort of made me reflect (again. when do i not.). even when my grandmother died i was the one who cried last cos nazhir was this close to a tantrum cos everyone in the car was crying and i had to explain to him what happened.

i've been thinking a lot about something. i keep reflecting about all these stuff and i wondered if.. am i lonely? I have so many friends, close friends but none that i talk to about deep stuff. or issit i always avoid talking about my negative emotions? do i? i have a sinking feeling that i do heh. but idk how else to go about doing it. i mean, i don't mind talking about it but well, no one really asked.

In the end, I'm just like you. Who was I kidding, what maturity. I'm no better than you. I just told you stuff that made me seem as if I got my life all sorted out but in actual fact, I'm nowhere near. It was all just a front I guess. And it's gotten to a point where I'm just.. tired of this.

I'm tired of being the only one who makes an effort..