You know what? Sometimes, life just really really sucks beyond belief. Life is not life when at one point every single thing that matters is against you and you can't help but feel so depressed that you just want to stop trying all together.
But life goes on doesn't it? Even though sometimes you don't want it to because it hurts, so much, to try to move on and live another day.
I think I've lost half my soul after all this. I don't feel like I'm me anymore. So depressed and pathetic. No longer optimistic and trying my best. All of it down the drain, sayonara, goodbye. Because it doesn't matter anymore. Because I feel like this is my limit- the limit to what I can do. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I force myself to be better, 여기서 끝이다. 여기밖에 못할것 같아.
It's so tiring, draining to work hard only to realize that this is all that you could do. Even if I worked my ass off, my capabilities end here.
Yeah, I've told people about what I've been feeling lately and they've given advices, good advices but idk, it just doesn't work anymore. I'm in a horrible slump right now. Nothing works. Nothing makes me happy like before (okay I lied, I still adore U-kiss and they've got this thing for making me happy. But others don't. Hell, even TVXQ's comeback news didn't lift my mood and I AM A CASSIOPEIA OKAY. But more on the JYJ side roflmao what, the most good-looking, the best singer and the best actor all transferred to JYJ okay, my heart was shaken! Anyways, #aktf, JYJ is still TVXQ so there's that) and yeah. Nothing works. I keep wanting to give up. Coop myself up in a room and watch Psych all day.
Oh god, since when did I become so pessimistic?
Oh yeah. Since then.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Rant
This is a ranting post.
I am officially this close to exploding. Of what? Of anger. To who? My grandmother.
Okay so here's the thing. As you get older, you are bound to be involved in things that will take up your time until late night. And currently I'm at that stage of going home late because of events, wanting to work overnight to gain extra money. But this grandmother of mine just refuses to let us study till late, work till late. Her reason why? E.g. when I said I'll be working overnight for some nights she told me I didn't need to work, like parents didn't give me enough money. If we go home late she will complain and nag to my mother, my father, my sisters, EVERYONE IN THE HOUSEHOLD every few minutes.
I know you all might think this is normal. BUT SHE DOES IT EVERY SINGLE TIME FOR YEARS NOW AND I CAN'T FIND THE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH HER. Because when she starts nagging, she will relate it to how we all don't love her anymore and we all don't care about her anymore. WHERE THE HELL IS THE LINK BETWEEN GOING HOME LATE AND NOT LOVING HER??
I appreciate her concern, really but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I want to study, I want to work and she will NOT be a barrier against me and what I want to do. Hell, my parents allow so why should i consider her nagging? Like I care. Day by day she is getting more irritating and I honestly cannot stand to be in her presence already.
Mom keeps telling me to ignore her but I am doing my best to just shut the hell up when she's nagging but oh my god it makes me even more hateful towards her when she goes on and on. She just cannot understand that I'm growing up and that there are things that I have to do. I can't be under her freaking shell forever. She thinks that the moment we step out of the house there are criminals waiting on standby to rape me. WHAT THE HELL.
I don't want to hate her. I really don't. But if this goes on, one day I will just agree with her when she says that we don't love her anymore.
I am officially this close to exploding. Of what? Of anger. To who? My grandmother.
Okay so here's the thing. As you get older, you are bound to be involved in things that will take up your time until late night. And currently I'm at that stage of going home late because of events, wanting to work overnight to gain extra money. But this grandmother of mine just refuses to let us study till late, work till late. Her reason why? E.g. when I said I'll be working overnight for some nights she told me I didn't need to work, like parents didn't give me enough money. If we go home late she will complain and nag to my mother, my father, my sisters, EVERYONE IN THE HOUSEHOLD every few minutes.
I know you all might think this is normal. BUT SHE DOES IT EVERY SINGLE TIME FOR YEARS NOW AND I CAN'T FIND THE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH HER. Because when she starts nagging, she will relate it to how we all don't love her anymore and we all don't care about her anymore. WHERE THE HELL IS THE LINK BETWEEN GOING HOME LATE AND NOT LOVING HER??
I appreciate her concern, really but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I want to study, I want to work and she will NOT be a barrier against me and what I want to do. Hell, my parents allow so why should i consider her nagging? Like I care. Day by day she is getting more irritating and I honestly cannot stand to be in her presence already.
Mom keeps telling me to ignore her but I am doing my best to just shut the hell up when she's nagging but oh my god it makes me even more hateful towards her when she goes on and on. She just cannot understand that I'm growing up and that there are things that I have to do. I can't be under her freaking shell forever. She thinks that the moment we step out of the house there are criminals waiting on standby to rape me. WHAT THE HELL.
I don't want to hate her. I really don't. But if this goes on, one day I will just agree with her when she says that we don't love her anymore.
Monday, September 10, 2012
.....
Assalamualaikum.
It's STILL the holidays. Rotting myself away watching dramas. Getting tired of it though but then again, I'm too lazy to go out. And since one of my plans was... well cancelled, the more free I am now.
The thing I don't like the most about holidays is that you have too much time. And when you have too much time, you start to think a lot. When you start to think a lot, you get depressed. And that's the state I'm in.
I am not depressed about anything in particular but idk I'm just feeling so on edge. Like something is missing. I don't feel.. at ease. AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY NOT KNOWING WHY. I feel like just hiding under my blankets and never coming out.
In addition to that, something happened that cancelled my whole holiday plans and I am so disappointed and sad right now and I just can't get over it. Yes, I know there has to be a hikmah behind it but I just can't seem to grab the fact that it happened, and I'm still grieving over it. "Get over it" I keep telling myself but it's easier said than done. To have something that you were looking forward to for months to crash and burn in mere minutes is really quite painful- emotionally.
And of course I'm distracting myself by burying myself in dramas and shows and animes. And this one anime really did the job well haha for a full 20+ minutes I managed to not get depressed and screamed my ass off cos the new episode release was SO EPIC. THE WHOLE EPISODE WAS EPIC. From the duel to the almost death to the proposal. IT HAD ME LEGIT-LY SCREAMING FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE. I AM NOT KIDDING. IF ITS NOT SCREAMING IT WAS ALMOST TEARING MY HAIR OFF MY HEAD.
Alrighty because of that I had a jolt of adrenaline rush so now I'm too high to sleep shall find something to do haha good night!
It's STILL the holidays. Rotting myself away watching dramas. Getting tired of it though but then again, I'm too lazy to go out. And since one of my plans was... well cancelled, the more free I am now.
The thing I don't like the most about holidays is that you have too much time. And when you have too much time, you start to think a lot. When you start to think a lot, you get depressed. And that's the state I'm in.
I am not depressed about anything in particular but idk I'm just feeling so on edge. Like something is missing. I don't feel.. at ease. AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY NOT KNOWING WHY. I feel like just hiding under my blankets and never coming out.
In addition to that, something happened that cancelled my whole holiday plans and I am so disappointed and sad right now and I just can't get over it. Yes, I know there has to be a hikmah behind it but I just can't seem to grab the fact that it happened, and I'm still grieving over it. "Get over it" I keep telling myself but it's easier said than done. To have something that you were looking forward to for months to crash and burn in mere minutes is really quite painful- emotionally.
And of course I'm distracting myself by burying myself in dramas and shows and animes. And this one anime really did the job well haha for a full 20+ minutes I managed to not get depressed and screamed my ass off cos the new episode release was SO EPIC. THE WHOLE EPISODE WAS EPIC. From the duel to the almost death to the proposal. IT HAD ME LEGIT-LY SCREAMING FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE. I AM NOT KIDDING. IF ITS NOT SCREAMING IT WAS ALMOST TEARING MY HAIR OFF MY HEAD.
Alrighty because of that I had a jolt of adrenaline rush so now I'm too high to sleep shall find something to do haha good night!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Short update
Assalamualaikum!
So heyy. It's Saturday night! Well yes, I gave the auditions a miss of course and went for a bunch of open houses. Ate a lot. Met an old friend. Basically distracting myself. Nothing much happened. Still have a bunch of schedules the next week. And hopefully I won't run out of money haha been spending a lot so I do also hope I get edward's job.
Anyway, this is just an update to.... update.
My left knuckle is bruised and the incident which I got it is actually quite funny. To cut the story short, I was watching Reply 1997, and Siwon was pissing me off, so (as usual I overreacted) I started to slam the table andddddd punch the wall. So yeah. The punching of the wall bruised my knuckles haha. YES I CAN OVERREACT THAT MUCH TO DRAMAS OK. I will get so pissed until I will shout and yell or so sad that I will cry for hours or so happy that I'll do cartwheels HAHAHA. But not scared to the point that I'll pee in my pants lah of course HAHAHAHA Maybe just... scream and shout....?
Ok off to the last open house of the day and off to Johor insya allah since we haven't been there for a long time. Dl-ing animes and dramas now HAHA
Adios!
Azlin
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