Warning: Long, emotional post

EXAMS ARE OVER EXAMS ARE OVER EXAMS ARE OVER :'D God knows how happy I am that I don't have to study anymore for like a month or so! But I do feel the post-exam blues, the constant need to be with a book is killing me lolol. But I came prepared :D Downloaded the whole season 1 of Ghost Whisperer through this torrent that Nadiah introduced to me (and god, i am a NOOB at it) and it's like... a freakin' solace. Love that thing :D

Anyway I think I screwed the last paper quite badly. The day before... I had some thoughts running through my mind, some reflecting so I didn't really revise like I did for the other papers. But oh well, hopefully my presentation can make up for it.

Exam results will be out on the 20th, and that's the day I'm leaving for Genting! OMG! I have no idea how to get my results! Hopefully Abah will buy me a prepaid card that allows me to go to the internet too. Because I can't stand the anxiety of exam results. The last time, I woke up a few hours before and was so nervous till cannot stand it alr.

In Johor now, letting off some steam after exams~ But still cooped up in my room, watching GW lolol I LOVE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. Her smile is so sweet I can't kjsdbfkjshbfksh her EYE-SMILE is adorable!

Hm.

Sometimes - no wait - always. I always feel... sort of unwanted. Unnoticed. I want to feel special, to feel needed, not to everyone but at least to SOMEONE. Someone that, say, goes to me whenever she has problems. Talks to me whenever she's bored. Or something along that line. I always feel like I'm the OTHER person, y'know? Like if you have an extra movie ticket and you've called all your close friends alr and I'm like the next option.

I've never had that kind of friend before. I've never had any close friends like that, ever. Most of the time it's one-sided. And this feeling, it's so... suffocating. It's so... lonely being like this. I've been trying so hard to forge that kind of relationship with someone but it's always one-sided. And after a while... I got used to it. Not having people that I can go to if I have problems. Being alone. Being independent. Especially since I'm a second child, and thus the second child syndrome. I'm so used to being alone.

But always being alone is no bed of roses. I feel lonely. I feel suffocated with all these.. emotions and I have no outlet to let it all out. I am so envious of people saying, oh this person is my bestfriend, oh I always go to this person if I have problems etc. I want to be THAT person.

For years, I've been trying so hard to find someone who I can connect to like that, but I keep changing schools so much that everyone comes and goes. To the point that I'm used to it, losing and gaining new friends every time I step into a new environment. But I don't want that...

Is it because I'm an attention seeker? Is it because people don't trust me with their feelings? Is it because I'm unapproachable? Is being wanted too much to ask for? I am trying so hard to understand.

This is the secret that I've been hiding. This is the reason why I distance myself sometimes. This is the reason why one moment you'll see me happy and enjoying myself and so quiet and dazed in the other. Why else do you think I'm so eager to get married? Because I'm this near to giving up on finding such a person, to the point that I'm thinking that getting married will allow me to have a husband who can be an outlet to all of this.

Such a long time, I've been going through this. It sucks, honestly. I seriously feel that, one day, if I disappear for a week, NO ONE will notice. No one. And it makes me feel so pathetic.

I'm really holding on by a thread. What does keep me grounded? I keep myself grounded by drowning myself in novels, kpop, internet, tv shows. It keeps my mind of all of the problems. And of course, I pray to Allah. Only He can cease all these feelings in my heart. Only He can make me calm at this point of time. This holiday, I'm trying to find ways to dekatkan myself with Him. I've been feeling so distant from religion ever since poly started. It's making me insecure. It isn't easy, studying in poly. Sometimes the need to fit in can override everything. It's getting harder and harder to be in touch. Everyday is a struggle, finding time to pray, drawing boundaries from guy friends in class, keeping myself grounded and not to lose my way. It's so hard.

I want to go back to the days when I can chill in the mosque. Those days, those times when I feel so close to Allah. I feel so calm and safe inside the mosque. Especially Muhajirin. So much memories there. I feel a sense of familiarity there.

I need to always remember that Allah is not only my friend during difficult times, but also during sad, angry, confused, boring moments. He is always watching He is always taking care of those who love Him.

Sometimes, I admit, it's difficult to believe in something that you can't see with your own eyes. Sometimes I do have doubts. Sometimes I do feel tempted to follow the trend, show off my hair, wear cute dresses etc. But when I look back, I trust my religion. I know that they restrict us to to some stuff because there's a reason for it. For our own benefit. That's why people may see me as plain, always wearing qurta, always choosing clothes that are loose and long. But the most important thing is not how people look at me, it's how I feel. I FEEL SAFE. I don't feel exposed! I feel protected! And I feel good knowing that the only person who can see me without all those layers of protection is my future husband. I want to save myself for him. Because he's going to be special.

One of the main things that made me realize that was my one day in JC. That day. I admit, I actually felt happy about showing off my locks to people. It was like, FINALLY. But now I regret it. After a few hours I started feeling weird. Cold. Not safe. Exposed. And it felt like EYES were poking me, shoving me, exposing me. I FELT SO WEIRD. To the point that the feeling was so overwhelming that my temperature actually rose. Yes I got a fever mere hours after that! Then it hit me. This is why Islam forbids women to show their aurat to those who are not Muhrim. So many risks! No matter how religious a man can be, he can still be tempted! Not only by women's bodies, by their face, their eyes, their voice, the way they walk even! They may deny it but that's the truth. Men are not perfect, religious men are not perfect either. They make mistakes too. And I ain't staying to see what could happen! So that very night, I emailed the school stating my withdrawal. The process was painful, the insecurity was excruciating. But I knew that my decision was final. What happens after that, whether my appeal to poly will be accepted, will I even have a school, all of that I left it all to Allah, and aku tawakkal. I tried my best.

Okay then, it's late and I haven't prayed and I need to poop. HAHAHA.

Adios amigos!

Always be happy everyone! I love you <3

It's exam week!

HI THERE :D

I think I've been reading too much so my vision got blurry. So I decided to take a break. Too much studying I guess lolol. But yeah I am also currently sick. What the hell men, sick on my first paper and now sick again before my second last paper. Thank goodness there's no paper today.

Anyway 2 more papers! I hope I can do well this semester. The first 2 tests were fine I guess. Same goes for the first 2 exams. Most of the time I remembered all the main information, but the problem lies in the time. So much to write (my mind was drowning in all the information that I intended to write) but so little time. Even an hour isn't enough for me to write a full blown assessment okay. I always spend so much time elaborating on the roles part. But oh well.

Planning to go out with the classmates after our last paper on Friday :D Thank god for the paper ending at 11am! Although the sucky bit is that the paper starts at 9 haha!

The last 2 days exam started at 4 and ended at 6 which was WORST. I mean, that timing is like, nap time for me! The most exhausted time. And both days me and HK hitched a ride on Atika's dad's car for the ride back home and I am super super thankful for that. No need to waste money on transportation, since I didn't buy bus concession this month in hopes of saving money.

My usual tradition of going to the hair salon after exam will also be scrapped this semester because I already spent some for the trip to Genting in late march and I also have to set aside money for the food and what-not while we're there. So yeap I guess I'll just either rot at home watching Ghost Whisperer or rot in the library reading novels.

Although I AM REALLY TEMPTED TO DO SOMETHING TO MY HAIR, like treatment or something but argh i can't my hair is in a bad enough state already and I vowed not to dye it anymore. And I want to keep long hair. And I decided I look best without bangs/fringe. So what else is there to do? DIY HAIR TREATMENT HAHA tried that one with the raw egg, olive oil and Mayo. The smell was PUTRID but the results were awesome! But doesn't last long, but I guess there should be more if I do it regularly.

What else is there to talk about? Vanilla Coklat? LOLOL I am currently head over heels over the main guy in the malay drama, god, he's hot okay. In a Malay way. Classic Malay look. And you know I have the hots for guys with thick eyebrows and lovely Malay eyes. Like like Taufik. Yeah. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. But omg Amir Ashraf <3

This is the second or maybe third time I actually have a crush on a Malay guy okay, after Teuku Ryan (IN MY PRIMARY SCHOOL DAYS LOLOL, he's an Indonesian actor btw and he's old but he's super cute but I got over him after he got married and had 2 kids), and Taufik and that guy in Dia, the main character's son Eka lolol those were the indo drama days~

Okay my stomach is growling, time to eat and continue studying yosh fighting aja aja jia you!

heyyyyyyyyyyyy

Hi there! I suddenly felt like updating this dusty ol' blog.

Currently in the midst of exams, cramming till no end. My aim this semester is to get a gpa >3.5 and I'm really working hard for it. To the point that I'm falling sick. In the middle of the test today, I started sneezing so many times and sniffing and my eyes started watering until it clouded my mind. But I did try my best to finish off the test and I hope those hours of studying was worth it.

Anyway I just felt like letting off some steam here.

Sometimes I feel like I don't want to get involved. Sometimes I feel like I can make it in life without having any attachments to anybody, without having people to rely on. Simply because I've been living well without depending on anyone for my problems. I've been working them out independently without any help and I'm all well now right?

Although sometimes its frustrating, lonely... But I'm scared that if I get too involved, I'll back out. I'll try too much to please the other party to the point that it's not me. I'm lacking so much as a friend. I can't show my care, I can't verbalize what I think. I'm just so awkward at these stuff that I try to stay away. //sigh

On a lighter note, Mum finally approved of my trip to Genting! YES BABY 20-22 March I'll be going to Genting with ma homieeeees! So excited to go to the theme park! And it's my first ever trip overseas without my parents! 3 DAYS OF FREEDOM BABY.

Also decided to apply for volunteer work during the holidays, just to get some experience for the future.

Ah idk how to make myself be in a good mood again .___. I should just stop getting involved. Anyway, you were borned alone and you'll die alone too.