Anyway I think I screwed the last paper quite badly. The day before... I had some thoughts running through my mind, some reflecting so I didn't really revise like I did for the other papers. But oh well, hopefully my presentation can make up for it.
Exam results will be out on the 20th, and that's the day I'm leaving for Genting! OMG! I have no idea how to get my results! Hopefully Abah will buy me a prepaid card that allows me to go to the internet too. Because I can't stand the anxiety of exam results. The last time, I woke up a few hours before and was so nervous till cannot stand it alr.
In Johor now, letting off some steam after exams~ But still cooped up in my room, watching GW lolol I LOVE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. Her smile is so sweet I can't kjsdbfkjshbfksh her EYE-SMILE is adorable!
Hm.
Sometimes - no wait - always. I always feel... sort of unwanted. Unnoticed. I want to feel special, to feel needed, not to everyone but at least to SOMEONE. Someone that, say, goes to me whenever she has problems. Talks to me whenever she's bored. Or something along that line. I always feel like I'm the OTHER person, y'know? Like if you have an extra movie ticket and you've called all your close friends alr and I'm like the next option.
I've never had that kind of friend before. I've never had any close friends like that, ever. Most of the time it's one-sided. And this feeling, it's so... suffocating. It's so... lonely being like this. I've been trying so hard to forge that kind of relationship with someone but it's always one-sided. And after a while... I got used to it. Not having people that I can go to if I have problems. Being alone. Being independent. Especially since I'm a second child, and thus the second child syndrome. I'm so used to being alone.
But always being alone is no bed of roses. I feel lonely. I feel suffocated with all these.. emotions and I have no outlet to let it all out. I am so envious of people saying, oh this person is my bestfriend, oh I always go to this person if I have problems etc. I want to be THAT person.
For years, I've been trying so hard to find someone who I can connect to like that, but I keep changing schools so much that everyone comes and goes. To the point that I'm used to it, losing and gaining new friends every time I step into a new environment. But I don't want that...
Is it because I'm an attention seeker? Is it because people don't trust me with their feelings? Is it because I'm unapproachable? Is being wanted too much to ask for? I am trying so hard to understand.
This is the secret that I've been hiding. This is the reason why I distance myself sometimes. This is the reason why one moment you'll see me happy and enjoying myself and so quiet and dazed in the other. Why else do you think I'm so eager to get married? Because I'm this near to giving up on finding such a person, to the point that I'm thinking that getting married will allow me to have a husband who can be an outlet to all of this.
Such a long time, I've been going through this. It sucks, honestly. I seriously feel that, one day, if I disappear for a week, NO ONE will notice. No one. And it makes me feel so pathetic.
I'm really holding on by a thread. What does keep me grounded? I keep myself grounded by drowning myself in novels, kpop, internet, tv shows. It keeps my mind of all of the problems. And of course, I pray to Allah. Only He can cease all these feelings in my heart. Only He can make me calm at this point of time. This holiday, I'm trying to find ways to dekatkan myself with Him. I've been feeling so distant from religion ever since poly started. It's making me insecure. It isn't easy, studying in poly. Sometimes the need to fit in can override everything. It's getting harder and harder to be in touch. Everyday is a struggle, finding time to pray, drawing boundaries from guy friends in class, keeping myself grounded and not to lose my way. It's so hard.
I want to go back to the days when I can chill in the mosque. Those days, those times when I feel so close to Allah. I feel so calm and safe inside the mosque. Especially Muhajirin. So much memories there. I feel a sense of familiarity there.
I need to always remember that Allah is not only my friend during difficult times, but also during sad, angry, confused, boring moments. He is always watching He is always taking care of those who love Him.
Sometimes, I admit, it's difficult to believe in something that you can't see with your own eyes. Sometimes I do have doubts. Sometimes I do feel tempted to follow the trend, show off my hair, wear cute dresses etc. But when I look back, I trust my religion. I know that they restrict us to to some stuff because there's a reason for it. For our own benefit. That's why people may see me as plain, always wearing qurta, always choosing clothes that are loose and long. But the most important thing is not how people look at me, it's how I feel. I FEEL SAFE. I don't feel exposed! I feel protected! And I feel good knowing that the only person who can see me without all those layers of protection is my future husband. I want to save myself for him. Because he's going to be special.
One of the main things that made me realize that was my one day in JC. That day. I admit, I actually felt happy about showing off my locks to people. It was like, FINALLY. But now I regret it. After a few hours I started feeling weird. Cold. Not safe. Exposed. And it felt like EYES were poking me, shoving me, exposing me. I FELT SO WEIRD. To the point that the feeling was so overwhelming that my temperature actually rose. Yes I got a fever mere hours after that! Then it hit me. This is why Islam forbids women to show their aurat to those who are not Muhrim. So many risks! No matter how religious a man can be, he can still be tempted! Not only by women's bodies, by their face, their eyes, their voice, the way they walk even! They may deny it but that's the truth. Men are not perfect, religious men are not perfect either. They make mistakes too. And I ain't staying to see what could happen! So that very night, I emailed the school stating my withdrawal. The process was painful, the insecurity was excruciating. But I knew that my decision was final. What happens after that, whether my appeal to poly will be accepted, will I even have a school, all of that I left it all to Allah, and aku tawakkal. I tried my best.
Okay then, it's late and I haven't prayed and I need to poop. HAHAHA.
Adios amigos!
Always be happy everyone! I love you <3
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