Assalamualaikum!

Alright I think writing will help me clear out my thoughts. I don't know whether I feel like hypocrite or what but I'm really trying to be a good Muslimah but god I don't know what I'm doing right now.

Yes, I do accept facebook friend requests from strangers, only if we have mutual friends of, say, more than 50 people. So recently this guy has been fb msg-ing me saying he wants to become friends. I was skeptical, still am since I have absolutely no idea who he is, just a vague idea from his profile. So I gave him the cold shoulder, but I'm the sort who feels very guilty when I do it without any purpose. I didn't really answer his questions sincerely but nor did I totally ignore him either.

So in the end I decided to tell him straight that, I'm not meaning to be rude/arrogant or anything to him but I honestly don't know him so I don't know his true intentions and I told him that as a girl I need to be careful of strangers. Again I emphasized that I wasn't stereotyping him or thinking badly of him in anyway, I'm just taking protective measures. People who know me knows that so far all the guy friends I have are all either my batchmates, seniors, juniors or classmates. I have no guy friends outside this circle, AT ALL.

The way he approached me was not forceful in anyway so I was, oh okay. He didn't even say anything about me being so cold. So yeah. I also asked him what was his true motives of wanting to be friends to which he replied that he just simply want to be friends. So I simply told him, if it's nothing more than that, okay.

I swear, I'm not the sort who'd reject someone who wants to be friends with me in real life but since this is all on the net I'm a bit more cautious yknow?

And I read once in this book that Muslim girls are supposed to be arrogant towards guys, don't make them think you're so easy to get through. You have your maruah and you have to protect it, and thus protect yourself. But I do feel guilty, like what if he's really sincere in wanting to be friends but then I think again, no one knows what the future holds and anything can happen, anything can change. So I'll just take the safer choice.

I vow not to be friends with guys unless it's school related or it's beneficial for me to become a better Muslimah. Sometimes I think ah, if I act like this, when can I get married? Haha! But then thinking back, if he's really fated with me then he won't go anywhere. If he really is sincere then he will wait and respect my decision or better yet, be truthful about it.

I sometimes worry, since I don't approve myself of going out on dates etc, how can I get to know the person better, how can I be sure that he's a good person?

I thought about it (yes I've been doing a lot of thinking these days) and I made the decision that I'll judge solely based on religion, like how I'm supposed to. How religious he is. I don't care if he's not an Ustaz or from a Madrasah or what, but I want to know if he accomplishes his responsibilities as a Muslim or not and how sincere he is in carrying out prayers etc, that's what's most important. Realistically thinking, yes, money, occupation is all important to but I have to make my first priority in choosing my future partner religion.

Yes, I am thankful enough to be borned in a very financially capable family and I'm used to living like this and I AM NOT SURE IF I CAN LIVE WITH ANYTHING LESS. I admit.

But then again, this world is temporary. I'm living in this world with the motivation to work towards what Allah has promised us, which is Heaven. The most important thing about choosing a future partner is not to make sure that he's a good person but to make sure he MAKES YOU a better person.

But what if he fits that criteria but financially, he's not capable?

Frankly..... I'm stuck there. I haven't made a conclusion. But I shouldn't think of this too much though, it's driving me nuts haha!

Okay, it's past 12 already, I'm in Johor and I shall finish off this episode of xman elimination game before I sleep.

Oh but before I end this post!

SUPPORT WORLD AUTISM AWARENESS DAY ON APRIL 2ND 2012 BY WEARING BLUE OKAY?

Post-Genting blues!

Assalamualaikum!

Yes I am back from Genting! I won't be storytelling about my trip there now though since I'm tired. It's now past 12 and I'm in my room in Johor after finishing a variety show marathon. Shinhwa broadcasting system and B1A4's Kkaeal Player.

I have an announcement.

I officially have a new celebrity crush (which I haven't had in a long time since... God knows when. I don't even remember who was the last person I was obsessed with!).

And that person............... is Shinhwa's ERIC.

I swear his face is just pure perfection roflmao. I was a bit torn between Minwoo, Dongwan and Eric haha but i kept getting so captivated by Eric's handsome face. He has this really manly face which is quite rare since lately all I see are flower boys. And I can't believe the Shinhwa members still look so good even if they're past their 30s already!

And I have a tiny tiny crush on B1A4's Gongchan now haha initially my favourite member was Sandeul, well actually, he still is, but I keep getting mesmerized by how good looking Gongchan is! His face is also pure perfection! Seriously, his face is just so well proportioned and really gorgeous and when he smiles I just die a little inside haha! He's really soft-spoken though, he talks really gently, I think mostly because he's the maknae but omg he has manners man he was greeting the producers right after he woke up.

Anyway, enough of spazzing over pretty faces!

But actually I have nothing else to talk about haha everything else (like results) comes along with the future genting trip post which god knows when I will have the energy to write that! There's something else that I want to write about too but I'm too tired now haha need to stop rubbing my eyes.

Okay then, I'll stop here. Have a nice holiday everyone :D

Bismillah

#1: The one thing that I hate most, for real, at the top of my list, is when people change plans at the last minute.

I am someone who is very particular to detail and I hate being unprepared. Thus, I prepare for exams 2~3 months early, I have a whole week planned before the week even starts etc.

And those who know me well will know this certain trait about me. Even my parents will try to avoid changing plans as much as possible because they know how I will react to it, and trust me, my reaction is not good. They will even really cautiously tell me about the change of plans if they're forced to and give me the option of going through with the plan or not.

So, when I got to know that the bus ride to Genting was pushed up to 6am, boy, I WAS PISSED BEYOND BELIEF. It was hard enough for me to arrange for my transportation when the timing was at 0615, and now they made it 15 mins earlier. And those 15 minutes is the world to me considering that I FUCKING LIVE IN PASIR RIS. And imagine my reaction when we were informed of this the NIGHT BEFORE?

No good thing will happen when I'm pissed, trust me. I am now so pissed to the point that I'm trying really hard not to tear up because I can't really do anything. My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't cursed since I started Poly okay, and I've been trying to manage my anger but knowing that none of this was our fault and this whole thing is entirely because of the other party's lack of consideration, curses are just popping out. This just really spoiled my day.

And okay. I failed. Crying.

What the fuck is so hard for you to plan and take traffic jams etc into consideration BEFORE you actually tell us what time we should be meeting? This is just a case of irresponsibility. And fucking pure inconsideration.

Kalau tuka plan, tak menyusahkan orang tu tkpe ah, aku boleh tutup sebelah mata, ni aku da rancang sume bende, malam sblm berangkat baru ckp tuka plan. Tak ke ni menyusahkan orang?

Is my anger and frustration justified? Or are there any objections that anyone wants to raise?

I thought about it well, about how plans always change, you can never know what will happen etc but the reason given was clearly to avoid traffic jam. Such a reason can and should be taken into consideration way before the time to meet was actually set so no problems will arise. So. What's so difficult about planning?

If you've worked in a group with me, you'll know that from day 1, I prepare everything down to the last full stop and I won't sit still unless I've devised a plan, thought through with it, think up of possible setbacks etc. I hate not being prepared.

And most of all, I hate being angry. I am one who does not control her anger well. I have hurt myself before because I was so angry, I threw things, I kicked people, I punched people, all because I was angry. It took me my teenage years to learn how to be patient and I managed to control it a bit, just the doing things part. But I still get breathless when I'm angry, I still have self-harm intentions, I still have a very sharp tongue, I still get so mad to the point that I will cry because I can't take the pressure. So right now, it's really a difficult time for me. I really admit that I can't handle my anger well. So not many things right now can make me angry, but this... my heart is just so heavy with anger.

Argh I really don't know what else to say. I'll just shampoo my hair, ambek wudu, pray and sleep for now.

Assalamualaikum

Trip to Ayer Hitam!

Assalamualaikum!

I went out with parents, Mak long and Kala Jija today, despite totally forgetting the day before that I was going out today and read novels until 2 in the morning. So the whole trip consisted of me sleeping in the car, waking up to join them check out the random shops that they went to, and for lunch.

I was so tired lolol kept zoning out. But I enjoyed the trip though! The shops that we visited were mostly those shops where people go to to buy hantaran deco for weddings etc. AND THEY WERE SO PRETTY THEY MADE ME WANT TO GET MARRIED FASTER. This particular shop had examples of what their hantaran looks like in glass shelves and they were so pretty! I loved the colors they chose, like bright orange, sky blue, lavender etc and they each had themes like music, flowers, playground etc. The temptation was killing me.

We also stopped by a toy store and there... I was squealing like a kid. Really. Heck care about people looking, I couldn't stand keeping quiet there! THEY HAD A GAZILLION PATRICK STAR STUFFED TOYS and I couldn't keep my mouth shut!

THEY EVEN HAD A PIKACHU STUFFED TOY that costs RM70+ so I was totally sulking about the lack of money. PIKACHU YOU KNOW. PIKACHU.

Then we ate at Anjung. Of course, I bought food from the Saudi Arabian store which has awesome shawarma that everytime we ate there, I'd ALWAYS buy that. The chicken is so soft it just melts in your mouth!

Stopped by the Johor house for prayers and went home after that. And that was the end of my attempt to be more social with my relatives roflmao. Not like I have bad relationships with my aunts of course, I love them to bits.

And Al-fatihah to my Arwah Mummy, I was very close to her cos she tutored me before and I always relied on her when mum wasn't there for me. I discussed with her about my future more than I did with my own mother! Especially during S3 when I was being tutored by Liza, my cousin. So we kept discussing about whether I should give a go at JC, gave me advice about life, shoo-ed their cat away from me everytime she gets near me (I was terrified of cats but after getting tutored in a house that had a cat, I've learned to ignore it xD). And yeah. I did more things with her than I did with my own mother.

I'm not putting down my mother or anything, I love her too, but sometimes she's just too busy with Nazhir and all that I feel bad to take up her time with my problems and all.

And now, time has passed and Liza is now pregnant with her first baby! CONGRATULATIONS! Super super happy for her! I'm going to be an aunt again yay! Plus Kak Aida's baby too! Only 1 month difference! That's the thing about my family, the generations always get pregnant around the same time haha! Good though, more playmates!

Okay, I'm still very tired from the trip so I shall stop here!

Oh oh I will end with a snippet of Nabi Muhammad's last khutbah! I saw it while we were shopping at some shop that sold frames and stuff.

Wahai manusia, sepertimana kamu menganggap bulan ini dan Kota ini sebagai suci, maka anggaplah jiwa dan harta setiap orang Muslim sebagai amanah suci. Kembalikan harta yang diamanahkan kepada kamu kepada pemiliknya yang berhak. Janganlah kamu sakiti sesiapapun agar orang lain tidak menyakiti kami lagi. Ingatlah bahawa sesungguhnya, kamu akan menemui Tuhan kamu dan Dia pasti membuat perhitungan diatas segala amalan kamu.

So yeap. Assalamualaikum!~

La Takhaf Wa La Tahzan

God does not burden a person beyond his capacity. -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286

Which is why I will carry on. I've been doing a lot of thinking and contemplating, and I realized that my reaction to this is just... What I do. It's just my personality that I have the will to move on and think that there's a reason why I'm still like this. It's just me. I'm optimistic and that's why I have such positive outcomes and strong determination to overcome my problems.

But I rarely ever think that, Hey, it's Allah's will that I'm facing this problem and that He has promised us that there will be something good coming out of all the difficulties that you're going through. I never think and relate all of my burden to God and religion. And... I feel bad. It's like, 11 years (14 years if I include kindergarten, seeing that I did attend an Islamic kindergarten) of Islamic education, wasted! What for did I study all that if I don't relate it to my everyday life? And to be honest, I don't know how to!

So I planned. I planned to make full use of this holiday to study more about my religion and how to apply it to my life. I went looking for religious classes before but most of them, after looking at the module outlines, are things that I've learnt already in school. And for enrichment classes, most of them are diplomas and cost a lot of money and time, and I don't think I can commit once a new semester starts.

Then I thought of the shelf in my TV room, where Abah stuffs his books in. So I went on an adventure~ And I found A LOT of books, like seriously, from Children's books about Prophets to explanations about the bible! So I dug and dug and found a few books that I was interested it and was related to what I was looking for. So now I have a stack of books on my table, waiting to be read.

I do hope that I will find the energy to read all of them. Because I really can't stand all those 11 years of education wasted. And I AM planning on continuing in the line of the Malay-Muslim community once I graduate and stuff. So why not buff up my knowledge of how I can relate Social Work to Islam?

It will be difficult, I admit. I'm not the most religious woman in Singapore, let alone amongst my friends. I have difficulties holding on to my religious beliefs, especially in Polytechnic. I'm the kind who goes, "Hey, I believe that I have to pray 5 times a day because that's what my God tells me to do". BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.

I want to know, what is the purpose of praying 5 times a day, why 5 times a day, why do I pray when I do, what do I pray about when I do etc. These were all taught to me before but it was at such a young age that it did not sink in. And the questions that I listed down, I'm not looking for the answers like, What is the purpose of praying 5 times a day = To remember Allah in the midst of carrying out our daily lives, not like that. I want to know, why did Allah create us just for us to pray to Him and acknowledge his mighty creations? Wouldn't it be better if He didn't create us humans at all, so that there won't be anyone defying him in the first place?

And god, I know those questions are so... basic. But I admit, I don't know the answers to them! And those questions make it sound like I'm doubting my own religion, but I don't know, those questions just popped out whenever I'm alone and self-reflecting. But I need to know the answers to strengthen my beliefs. I don't want to have doubts about my religion and I don't want to follow and obey to what my religion tells me to do just because I was borned a Muslim and it's expected out of me that I have to follow those rules.

Because, ultimately, I do believe that there is no God but Allah and that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.

So now I am on a quest to learn more. And Insya Allahm He will guide me through it.

Thank you so much, Charmaine, for reminding me that those moments where I feel all alone and hopeless, there is still God with me and He knows all my sufferings. Yes, it was my friend Charmaine who messaged me out of the blue, saying that my name popped up in her head when she was attending church and that she felt the urge to tell me all that, and I am ever so thankful to her. Even though we're from different religions and believe in different Gods, that didn't stop her from reminding me that God will be with me. I feel so.. small and ashamed that it had to be someone from a different religion that would remind me about God but I will treat this as a push to learn more about my religion. So, thank you, Charmaine! I love you~

Alrighty, shall continue watching whatever I can find~

Assalamualaikum...

Keep moving on

I really shouldn't be disappointed. But for so long this his has been happening, and I'm not a saint, I can't keep believing and hoping that I'll be significant enough to someone when I can't even promise that I'll still be breathing tomorrow. It's just so hard to keep pretending like I don't care when honestly it rips a whole in my heart.

But what can I do? I'll just keep on holding to Atika's words, that actual friends, those who deserve that be called that term, will make an effort to be in your life if they really care about you. I can't be the only one making all the effort. I self disclose so much the point that there's nothing that others don't know about me, in the effort to be cared about by someone. And for 18 years, that has been failing and I keep picking myself up and moving on. So many times I've picked myself up, hoping that someone would be there next to me, cheering me on as I struggle to stand up again.

Always. Waiting.