God does not burden a person beyond his capacity. -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286
Which is why I will carry on. I've been doing a lot of thinking and contemplating, and I realized that my reaction to this is just... What I do. It's just my personality that I have the will to move on and think that there's a reason why I'm still like this. It's just me. I'm optimistic and that's why I have such positive outcomes and strong determination to overcome my problems.
But I rarely ever think that, Hey, it's Allah's will that I'm facing this problem and that He has promised us that there will be something good coming out of all the difficulties that you're going through. I never think and relate all of my burden to God and religion. And... I feel bad. It's like, 11 years (14 years if I include kindergarten, seeing that I did attend an Islamic kindergarten) of Islamic education, wasted! What for did I study all that if I don't relate it to my everyday life? And to be honest, I don't know how to!
So I planned. I planned to make full use of this holiday to study more about my religion and how to apply it to my life. I went looking for religious classes before but most of them, after looking at the module outlines, are things that I've learnt already in school. And for enrichment classes, most of them are diplomas and cost a lot of money and time, and I don't think I can commit once a new semester starts.
Then I thought of the shelf in my TV room, where Abah stuffs his books in. So I went on an adventure~ And I found A LOT of books, like seriously, from Children's books about Prophets to explanations about the bible! So I dug and dug and found a few books that I was interested it and was related to what I was looking for. So now I have a stack of books on my table, waiting to be read.
I do hope that I will find the energy to read all of them. Because I really can't stand all those 11 years of education wasted. And I AM planning on continuing in the line of the Malay-Muslim community once I graduate and stuff. So why not buff up my knowledge of how I can relate Social Work to Islam?
It will be difficult, I admit. I'm not the most religious woman in Singapore, let alone amongst my friends. I have difficulties holding on to my religious beliefs, especially in Polytechnic. I'm the kind who goes, "Hey, I believe that I have to pray 5 times a day because that's what my God tells me to do". BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.
I want to know, what is the purpose of praying 5 times a day, why 5 times a day, why do I pray when I do, what do I pray about when I do etc. These were all taught to me before but it was at such a young age that it did not sink in. And the questions that I listed down, I'm not looking for the answers like, What is the purpose of praying 5 times a day = To remember Allah in the midst of carrying out our daily lives, not like that. I want to know, why did Allah create us just for us to pray to Him and acknowledge his mighty creations? Wouldn't it be better if He didn't create us humans at all, so that there won't be anyone defying him in the first place?
And god, I know those questions are so... basic. But I admit, I don't know the answers to them! And those questions make it sound like I'm doubting my own religion, but I don't know, those questions just popped out whenever I'm alone and self-reflecting. But I need to know the answers to strengthen my beliefs. I don't want to have doubts about my religion and I don't want to follow and obey to what my religion tells me to do just because I was borned a Muslim and it's expected out of me that I have to follow those rules.
Because, ultimately, I do believe that there is no God but Allah and that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.
So now I am on a quest to learn more. And Insya Allahm He will guide me through it.
Thank you so much, Charmaine, for reminding me that those moments where I feel all alone and hopeless, there is still God with me and He knows all my sufferings. Yes, it was my friend Charmaine who messaged me out of the blue, saying that my name popped up in her head when she was attending church and that she felt the urge to tell me all that, and I am ever so thankful to her. Even though we're from different religions and believe in different Gods, that didn't stop her from reminding me that God will be with me. I feel so.. small and ashamed that it had to be someone from a different religion that would remind me about God but I will treat this as a push to learn more about my religion. So, thank you, Charmaine! I love you~
Alrighty, shall continue watching whatever I can find~
Assalamualaikum...
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