Assalamualaikum,
If you've noticed, I've been reposting a lot of uplifting/motivating stuff on fb/twitter/ig.. and here's my confession. I really needed it.
It's been a week since internship started and.. whoa.. i never knew it would be this difficult? Every single day since day 1, i went home feeling so mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. I've been sleeping at 9.30pm everyday wtf right i usually sleep at 3am. I have had to pick myself up at the end of every single day and give myself motivation every single morning.
To tell you the truth, it gets really depressing. Like I mentioned before, I'm not the sort of person to share? I mean, I cannnn but no one's asked, and everyone just seems so busy with their work and all and I don't want to bother them with my emotional needs lol. And it's been like this since day 1, through all my school transfers, new beginnings etc that I've built up enough resilience to get back up by myself. It gets lonely, yes. Many times. Countless times. But I've also realized that I shouldn't depend on people. I shouldn't place expectations on people. Because people are not perfect.
What you SHOULD do is pray. I've been looking forward to pray everyday just to have someone to talk to and share my worries. AND IT WORKS PEOPLE. IT WORKS! Of course, you don't get immediate answers/response but that belief that it'll all be okay, that you're going through this for a reason, that something better is waiting for you at the end of the tunnel, that Allah knows what you're going through, every single moment of anguish that you feel, he KNOWS and will not burden you more than you can handle.. having all these beliefs really help. You just have to turn to Him and He will turn to you, and help you through it, journey with you through it.
And it'll all be okay.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Day 0: A New Beginning
Assalamualaikum,
Ahh the time has come.
Internship.
Placement.
Whatever else you wanna call it.
Finally had time to settle down after exams for some self-care (i.e. karaoke and pigging out) and today's Sunday, a day that I had specially left plan-less to physically and mentally prepare for the start of internship tomorrow.
Since this internship does not require me to write daily journals (alhamdulillahirabbil 'alamin, arrahmanirrahim.. sumpah boleh sujud syukur kat sini jugak, i remember how dreadful it was in poly to do up daily journals throughout 2/3 months), i have decided that i'll record down my progress and thoughts here instead. I'm a very forgetful person, i rarely remember small details (i only remember 5 people's phone numbers and maybe less than 10 people's exact birthdates?) so i thought that by typing it down here it'll allow for a better reflection of my internship.
And god knows how conflicted I feel about this internship.
Lemme tell you a story.
So, the reason I specifically chose Dementia Day Care is.. because I wanted to challenge myself. I love interacting with the Elderly, and i sort of think that I'm good at it. But ever since my nenek passed on about a year plus ago, even though i can still interact and work with them.. personally I felt like the shittiest person on Earth because i haven't, to this day, forgiven myself about how I treated my nenek.
On a normal basis, I guess I treated her okay, there were good and bad days. But the months leading up to her death, after she suffered a minor stroke, I was the most horrible person ever. I won't recount what happened but I can remember those moments as clear as day, the hurt in her eyes.. the disappointment.. the frustration.. the love.. the resignation.. and it's something that up till this day I have yet to forgive myself about.
I was scared. It was something so foreign. Her being so weak, unable to do things on her own.. The weird behaviours.. I've always looked up to her as someone who was always there for me. No matter how bratty I was being, no matter how much I had misbehaved, she would always be there for me. But at that time she wasn't. I couldn't understand that she was dealing with it too. How difficult it must have been for her. How painful it must have been for her to see me react to her like that. How confused she herself must have been over the changes. I was so selfish about my own needs, I had wanted my grandmother, my old nenek so badly that I rejected the person she was turning into due to the after-effects of the stroke she had, the dementia she was developing. She wasn't the nenek that I knew.
I failed. As a granddaughter, I had failed in showing her the love and care that she rightfully deserved from me. I am a failure of a granddaughter. I even failed as a Social Work Associate, failed to accept a person the way he/she is.
And.. I can't turn back time. It's too late for me to make it up to her. I couldn't tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, how much i appreciated her existence. It's too late. She can never hear all that now. She was the one person that I cared most about in the world, simply because she made me feel accepted despite the brat that I was in my childhood. She accepted me the way I am. I was scolded a lot as a kid bcos i tend to have a mind of my own, not listening to parents for things i stand firm for, going about things my own way. I was always the odd one out in the family, I always felt left out, I always felt misunderstood. I wasn't close to neither my siblings nor my parents. I had no one to turn to during difficult times. Except for my nenek. The person that I loved most in the world, she who had accepted me for who I was.. I failed her. How pathetic right.
Moving on, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it. So i began thinking about what i COULD do. I wanted to make her proud. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be useful person. Someone who could express her thoughts and feelings well. Someone who could show her appreciation for the people that she loves. For her. In memory of her.
So pushing aside all those negative feelings, I wanted to challenge myself. To do something that I couldn't do then. To practise patience with those with dementia. To accept them for who they are. To recognize the worth. To understand their frustrations. To journey together with them into the unfamiliar thing that is of their own deteriorating condition.
To be honest, I don't know if i can do that. I don't know if i can separate my own feelings from theirs. Counter-transference is a huge issue that i foresee happening during this internship and frankly i ain't got no clue about how to deal with it. But i really want to challenge myself to be able to do it.
And this feeling of determination (and fear, lots of it) actually supersedes my usual fear and anxiety of change. Yknow how I usually go through this excruciating phase of anxiety whenever I move on to a new and unfamiliar setting, yeah I barely feel it now. Idk if that's good or bad haha.
But yeah, that's the story about how and why i chose this sector to intern in. There are also a few other things that i want to achieve, like maybe learning bits and pieces of mandarin for my potential Chinese clients lol i strongly predict a communication barrier there so I wanna try yknow learn enough to be able to communicate about basic stuff.
So yeap. This will be the place where I will let it all out. I'll be sharing more about what I did during the day, any learning points, reflections etc, a daily journal if you must (lol padahal that was the one thing that i hated doing, but well, it helps with personal growth).
Hope you guys don't get annoyed haha.
So let's do this!!
#prayforazlin
Ahh the time has come.
Internship.
Placement.
Whatever else you wanna call it.
Finally had time to settle down after exams for some self-care (i.e. karaoke and pigging out) and today's Sunday, a day that I had specially left plan-less to physically and mentally prepare for the start of internship tomorrow.
Since this internship does not require me to write daily journals (alhamdulillahirabbil 'alamin, arrahmanirrahim.. sumpah boleh sujud syukur kat sini jugak, i remember how dreadful it was in poly to do up daily journals throughout 2/3 months), i have decided that i'll record down my progress and thoughts here instead. I'm a very forgetful person, i rarely remember small details (i only remember 5 people's phone numbers and maybe less than 10 people's exact birthdates?) so i thought that by typing it down here it'll allow for a better reflection of my internship.
And god knows how conflicted I feel about this internship.
Lemme tell you a story.
So, the reason I specifically chose Dementia Day Care is.. because I wanted to challenge myself. I love interacting with the Elderly, and i sort of think that I'm good at it. But ever since my nenek passed on about a year plus ago, even though i can still interact and work with them.. personally I felt like the shittiest person on Earth because i haven't, to this day, forgiven myself about how I treated my nenek.
On a normal basis, I guess I treated her okay, there were good and bad days. But the months leading up to her death, after she suffered a minor stroke, I was the most horrible person ever. I won't recount what happened but I can remember those moments as clear as day, the hurt in her eyes.. the disappointment.. the frustration.. the love.. the resignation.. and it's something that up till this day I have yet to forgive myself about.
I was scared. It was something so foreign. Her being so weak, unable to do things on her own.. The weird behaviours.. I've always looked up to her as someone who was always there for me. No matter how bratty I was being, no matter how much I had misbehaved, she would always be there for me. But at that time she wasn't. I couldn't understand that she was dealing with it too. How difficult it must have been for her. How painful it must have been for her to see me react to her like that. How confused she herself must have been over the changes. I was so selfish about my own needs, I had wanted my grandmother, my old nenek so badly that I rejected the person she was turning into due to the after-effects of the stroke she had, the dementia she was developing. She wasn't the nenek that I knew.
I failed. As a granddaughter, I had failed in showing her the love and care that she rightfully deserved from me. I am a failure of a granddaughter. I even failed as a Social Work Associate, failed to accept a person the way he/she is.
And.. I can't turn back time. It's too late for me to make it up to her. I couldn't tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, how much i appreciated her existence. It's too late. She can never hear all that now. She was the one person that I cared most about in the world, simply because she made me feel accepted despite the brat that I was in my childhood. She accepted me the way I am. I was scolded a lot as a kid bcos i tend to have a mind of my own, not listening to parents for things i stand firm for, going about things my own way. I was always the odd one out in the family, I always felt left out, I always felt misunderstood. I wasn't close to neither my siblings nor my parents. I had no one to turn to during difficult times. Except for my nenek. The person that I loved most in the world, she who had accepted me for who I was.. I failed her. How pathetic right.
Moving on, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it. So i began thinking about what i COULD do. I wanted to make her proud. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be useful person. Someone who could express her thoughts and feelings well. Someone who could show her appreciation for the people that she loves. For her. In memory of her.
So pushing aside all those negative feelings, I wanted to challenge myself. To do something that I couldn't do then. To practise patience with those with dementia. To accept them for who they are. To recognize the worth. To understand their frustrations. To journey together with them into the unfamiliar thing that is of their own deteriorating condition.
To be honest, I don't know if i can do that. I don't know if i can separate my own feelings from theirs. Counter-transference is a huge issue that i foresee happening during this internship and frankly i ain't got no clue about how to deal with it. But i really want to challenge myself to be able to do it.
And this feeling of determination (and fear, lots of it) actually supersedes my usual fear and anxiety of change. Yknow how I usually go through this excruciating phase of anxiety whenever I move on to a new and unfamiliar setting, yeah I barely feel it now. Idk if that's good or bad haha.
But yeah, that's the story about how and why i chose this sector to intern in. There are also a few other things that i want to achieve, like maybe learning bits and pieces of mandarin for my potential Chinese clients lol i strongly predict a communication barrier there so I wanna try yknow learn enough to be able to communicate about basic stuff.
So yeap. This will be the place where I will let it all out. I'll be sharing more about what I did during the day, any learning points, reflections etc, a daily journal if you must (lol padahal that was the one thing that i hated doing, but well, it helps with personal growth).
Hope you guys don't get annoyed haha.
So let's do this!!
#prayforazlin
Thursday, May 5, 2016
A Front
Assalamualaikum,
I have never been in such a foul/numb mood before. I woke up today feeling all sorts of negative emotions and i have no idea why..? Firstly I felt numb like I couldn't think about anything, I couldn't feel any strong emotions, I tried to make myself laugh but i couldn't, I just couldn't feel anything. I somewhat felt as if I was repressing my emotions for too long to the point that I got numb.
Hah, and there I was a few days ago priding myself and the fact my emotions were stable and my life was going smooth and I was coping well pft. As if. More like I was repressing all the negative emotions i was feeling. and i think it sort of got too much and exploded (not really more like internally exploded) and am all numb now.
I think studying for 2105 made me reflect on my defense mechanisms and i identified really well with repression and rationalization and it sort of made me reflect (again. when do i not.). even when my grandmother died i was the one who cried last cos nazhir was this close to a tantrum cos everyone in the car was crying and i had to explain to him what happened.
i've been thinking a lot about something. i keep reflecting about all these stuff and i wondered if.. am i lonely? I have so many friends, close friends but none that i talk to about deep stuff. or issit i always avoid talking about my negative emotions? do i? i have a sinking feeling that i do heh. but idk how else to go about doing it. i mean, i don't mind talking about it but well, no one really asked.
In the end, I'm just like you. Who was I kidding, what maturity. I'm no better than you. I just told you stuff that made me seem as if I got my life all sorted out but in actual fact, I'm nowhere near. It was all just a front I guess. And it's gotten to a point where I'm just.. tired of this.
I'm tired of being the only one who makes an effort..
I have never been in such a foul/numb mood before. I woke up today feeling all sorts of negative emotions and i have no idea why..? Firstly I felt numb like I couldn't think about anything, I couldn't feel any strong emotions, I tried to make myself laugh but i couldn't, I just couldn't feel anything. I somewhat felt as if I was repressing my emotions for too long to the point that I got numb.
Hah, and there I was a few days ago priding myself and the fact my emotions were stable and my life was going smooth and I was coping well pft. As if. More like I was repressing all the negative emotions i was feeling. and i think it sort of got too much and exploded (not really more like internally exploded) and am all numb now.
I think studying for 2105 made me reflect on my defense mechanisms and i identified really well with repression and rationalization and it sort of made me reflect (again. when do i not.). even when my grandmother died i was the one who cried last cos nazhir was this close to a tantrum cos everyone in the car was crying and i had to explain to him what happened.
i've been thinking a lot about something. i keep reflecting about all these stuff and i wondered if.. am i lonely? I have so many friends, close friends but none that i talk to about deep stuff. or issit i always avoid talking about my negative emotions? do i? i have a sinking feeling that i do heh. but idk how else to go about doing it. i mean, i don't mind talking about it but well, no one really asked.
In the end, I'm just like you. Who was I kidding, what maturity. I'm no better than you. I just told you stuff that made me seem as if I got my life all sorted out but in actual fact, I'm nowhere near. It was all just a front I guess. And it's gotten to a point where I'm just.. tired of this.
I'm tired of being the only one who makes an effort..
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Round 2
Assalamualaikum,
Lots of thinking I've been doing these days. My mind is saturated with so many thoughts and it is really rather frustrating. Let's sort this through one by one.
1. Social Work
There is this one thing that I hate about this line of work. All relationships that I forge with clients are a means to an end. I dive into them knowing that the relationship is going to end once the client is able to pick his or herself up and be independent. I know that it sounds selfish.. but I put so much effort into building a relationship.. only to cut ties after that?
It's kind of a bittersweet thing, somewhat like raising your kid only to have them move out of the house when they're old enough. I should be happy right? That they can manage on their own? Am I being selfish? For wanting to continue with the relationship? It's not like I want them to continue relying on me, I just.. want to be in contact. All these people that I have helped, am going to help in the future.. Why can't they continue being in my life? Why does it have to be so professional?
2. Listen to understand
This is something that I really have to work on. Going through that counselling mod in poly has made me very aware of the questions that I ask, the replies I give. However, it has gotten to a point where I am so, so conscious of the things that I say and get so paranoid about giving the right answers that I fail to really listen?
To people reading my blog, I really do want to listen to your stories. I want to hear and understand your struggles. And if you'll allow me, and if you want me to, I am willing to help you. But what's more important, I am really, really, willing to listen. I won't judge. I will try not to at least..? If you don't feel like I'm really listening, remind me, tell me. Because all in all, all that I want to do is to understand you better. To know you better.
I was doing my readings for this particular module that I'm taking (Values and skills of a helping relationship) and this therapist was saying that in his earlier days working, he always asked himself "How can I change this person? How can I treat, cure this person?" but now, he totally reframed the question and now, asks himself "How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?". And that is the kind of friend that I want to be. One who listens. One who understands. And through that, in sya Allah, help them, though indirectly because change comes from within. I can't aim to change a person. Only the person can change his or herself. Inside everyone is that innate ability or capacity to understand, and process their life experiences and grow, learn from them. You don't need a person to do that for you.
3. Thoughts
I keep encouraging people to share... when the truth is.. I don't even do that. How hypocritical right? I'm this Social Worker in training, telling people that they'll feel better if they share about their struggles, dreams, hopes, everything when I don't even do that.
On the surface, yes, I do talk a lot, I share a lot. But someone told me once that I don't really share, not about really deep issues. I share with people things that I have already resolved, chapters that I have closed. But deep inside, there are still so many untold stories that are secretly tearing me apart inside. Unresolved issues. My weaknesses.
I want to say that, well, no one's really asked. But then again, even if someone were to ask me.. I don't think I'm ready to share. I think it really depends on the person, if I feel comfortable enough to share with the person. But that fear, that anxiety is so strong.
Then I reflected again (this must be the most I've reflected in the past few weeks lol brain is fried) and wow. This must be how my clients felt like. And.. man it's tough. It's hard. I totally get it now why people are fearful of talking about really deep stuff. But doesn't mean that you shouldn't try right? Maybe I should start listening to myself and really share.
Alrighty then, of course I have a lot of other things to talk about but exams broo exams. 2 more papers left to end of year 1 (oh my god??), #prayforazlin okay guys.
Lots of thinking I've been doing these days. My mind is saturated with so many thoughts and it is really rather frustrating. Let's sort this through one by one.
1. Social Work
There is this one thing that I hate about this line of work. All relationships that I forge with clients are a means to an end. I dive into them knowing that the relationship is going to end once the client is able to pick his or herself up and be independent. I know that it sounds selfish.. but I put so much effort into building a relationship.. only to cut ties after that?
It's kind of a bittersweet thing, somewhat like raising your kid only to have them move out of the house when they're old enough. I should be happy right? That they can manage on their own? Am I being selfish? For wanting to continue with the relationship? It's not like I want them to continue relying on me, I just.. want to be in contact. All these people that I have helped, am going to help in the future.. Why can't they continue being in my life? Why does it have to be so professional?
2. Listen to understand
This is something that I really have to work on. Going through that counselling mod in poly has made me very aware of the questions that I ask, the replies I give. However, it has gotten to a point where I am so, so conscious of the things that I say and get so paranoid about giving the right answers that I fail to really listen?
To people reading my blog, I really do want to listen to your stories. I want to hear and understand your struggles. And if you'll allow me, and if you want me to, I am willing to help you. But what's more important, I am really, really, willing to listen. I won't judge. I will try not to at least..? If you don't feel like I'm really listening, remind me, tell me. Because all in all, all that I want to do is to understand you better. To know you better.
I was doing my readings for this particular module that I'm taking (Values and skills of a helping relationship) and this therapist was saying that in his earlier days working, he always asked himself "How can I change this person? How can I treat, cure this person?" but now, he totally reframed the question and now, asks himself "How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?". And that is the kind of friend that I want to be. One who listens. One who understands. And through that, in sya Allah, help them, though indirectly because change comes from within. I can't aim to change a person. Only the person can change his or herself. Inside everyone is that innate ability or capacity to understand, and process their life experiences and grow, learn from them. You don't need a person to do that for you.
3. Thoughts
I keep encouraging people to share... when the truth is.. I don't even do that. How hypocritical right? I'm this Social Worker in training, telling people that they'll feel better if they share about their struggles, dreams, hopes, everything when I don't even do that.
On the surface, yes, I do talk a lot, I share a lot. But someone told me once that I don't really share, not about really deep issues. I share with people things that I have already resolved, chapters that I have closed. But deep inside, there are still so many untold stories that are secretly tearing me apart inside. Unresolved issues. My weaknesses.
I want to say that, well, no one's really asked. But then again, even if someone were to ask me.. I don't think I'm ready to share. I think it really depends on the person, if I feel comfortable enough to share with the person. But that fear, that anxiety is so strong.
Then I reflected again (this must be the most I've reflected in the past few weeks lol brain is fried) and wow. This must be how my clients felt like. And.. man it's tough. It's hard. I totally get it now why people are fearful of talking about really deep stuff. But doesn't mean that you shouldn't try right? Maybe I should start listening to myself and really share.
Alrighty then, of course I have a lot of other things to talk about but exams broo exams. 2 more papers left to end of year 1 (oh my god??), #prayforazlin okay guys.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)