Lots of thinking I've been doing these days. My mind is saturated with so many thoughts and it is really rather frustrating. Let's sort this through one by one.
1. Social Work
There is this one thing that I hate about this line of work. All relationships that I forge with clients are a means to an end. I dive into them knowing that the relationship is going to end once the client is able to pick his or herself up and be independent. I know that it sounds selfish.. but I put so much effort into building a relationship.. only to cut ties after that?
It's kind of a bittersweet thing, somewhat like raising your kid only to have them move out of the house when they're old enough. I should be happy right? That they can manage on their own? Am I being selfish? For wanting to continue with the relationship? It's not like I want them to continue relying on me, I just.. want to be in contact. All these people that I have helped, am going to help in the future.. Why can't they continue being in my life? Why does it have to be so professional?
2. Listen to understand
This is something that I really have to work on. Going through that counselling mod in poly has made me very aware of the questions that I ask, the replies I give. However, it has gotten to a point where I am so, so conscious of the things that I say and get so paranoid about giving the right answers that I fail to really listen?
To people reading my blog, I really do want to listen to your stories. I want to hear and understand your struggles. And if you'll allow me, and if you want me to, I am willing to help you. But what's more important, I am really, really, willing to listen. I won't judge. I will try not to at least..? If you don't feel like I'm really listening, remind me, tell me. Because all in all, all that I want to do is to understand you better. To know you better.
I was doing my readings for this particular module that I'm taking (Values and skills of a helping relationship) and this therapist was saying that in his earlier days working, he always asked himself "How can I change this person? How can I treat, cure this person?" but now, he totally reframed the question and now, asks himself "How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?". And that is the kind of friend that I want to be. One who listens. One who understands. And through that, in sya Allah, help them, though indirectly because change comes from within. I can't aim to change a person. Only the person can change his or herself. Inside everyone is that innate ability or capacity to understand, and process their life experiences and grow, learn from them. You don't need a person to do that for you.
3. Thoughts
I keep encouraging people to share... when the truth is.. I don't even do that. How hypocritical right? I'm this Social Worker in training, telling people that they'll feel better if they share about their struggles, dreams, hopes, everything when I don't even do that.
On the surface, yes, I do talk a lot, I share a lot. But someone told me once that I don't really share, not about really deep issues. I share with people things that I have already resolved, chapters that I have closed. But deep inside, there are still so many untold stories that are secretly tearing me apart inside. Unresolved issues. My weaknesses.
I want to say that, well, no one's really asked. But then again, even if someone were to ask me.. I don't think I'm ready to share. I think it really depends on the person, if I feel comfortable enough to share with the person. But that fear, that anxiety is so strong.
Then I reflected again (this must be the most I've reflected in the past few weeks lol brain is fried) and wow. This must be how my clients felt like. And.. man it's tough. It's hard. I totally get it now why people are fearful of talking about really deep stuff. But doesn't mean that you shouldn't try right? Maybe I should start listening to myself and really share.
Alrighty then, of course I have a lot of other things to talk about but exams broo exams. 2 more papers left to end of year 1 (oh my god??), #prayforazlin okay guys.
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