Alfatihah for my late grandmother, Rabiah bte Haji Kobat

Assalamualaikum,

My grandmother just passed away last Saturday.

Whenever people ask me whether I'm okay, I will sincerely answer "I'm getting by". I don't want to lie and say that I am okay because I'm not. The pain is still raw. Everyday I still get these surges of emotions randomly and start tearing up. The whole house reminds me of her. How am I supposed to move on when the very house that I am living in, every single thing reminds me of her.

Not only reminds me of her but reminds me of how awful I was to her for the last few months. I'll say it straight up- I was an asshole to her. I ignored her calls, I didn't talk to her, I barely even gave her a second glance. But then whenever I try to reflect, I will say that I will regret all of this when she's gone but I still went about it the same way.

I still wonder what happened?

During my primary school days, my grandmother was practically my best friend. She was the one that I looked for everyday. I changed my clothes in her room, I lepak-ed at her room, every day after school I rush back home to watch a drama with her. She was the one who braided my hair, fed me even in primary school, she was there for me every time I had a fight with parents. And somewhere along the way, we became increasingly distant.

I miss her. I really miss her.

Most of the extended family, including us, were in Batu Pahat for my cousin's wedding. My family was on the way back from the wedding when we received the news. The rest of the extended family followed suit soon after. The groom (my cousin) left his own wedding early to rush back to Singapore.

I was in Johor since Wednesday to help prepare for the wedding. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Only a few people were by her side when she passed.

My god, someone tell me how do I get over this when I have so many things that I regret not saying to her, I didn't even get to seek for her forgiveness! I was really close to her,, Even after we became distant, I will still randomly go into her room and lepak and play with my phone.

What I miss the most? Shoving my head into her lap and just resting there. She will be reading Yasin or Juz amma and I will listen while she plays with my hair.

Nenek,
I hope you're doing well there. I hope arwah atok, arwah mummy and arwah cik salmah are taking care of you. I hope you're not lonely there. I hope our duas reached you. 

Azi sayang nenek. Nenek slalu ckp ktrg sume tk syg nenek tp percayalah, azi btol2 sayangkan nenek. Azi mintak maaf psl slalu sakitkan hati nenek, slalu kurangajar dgn nenek, slalu balas balek & slalu tk dgr ckp nenek. 

Azi tk tau mcm mane nk sambung hidop kalau nenek tkde. Sape Azi nk salam kalau azi nk kluar pegi kerje ke pegi skola? Sape nk jaga Azi bile Azi saket? Sape nk kejutkan Azi utk subuh? 

Ada byk lagi bende yg Azi nk ckp kt nenek tp nenek dah tkde. Menggigil Azi bile terigtkan saat Azi nmpk jenazah nenek atas katil bile kte balek dr Johor haritu. Tk sempat nenek tgk Amin kahwin kan? Amin kate nenek tunggu die kahwin, psl tu lps die bersanding je tros nenek tinggalkan kte. Sejuk pipi nenek bile Azi cium pipi nenek.
Azi mintak maaf psl Azi tk berani nk mandikan nenek. Azi bole tgk je. Sebak btol tgk nenek haritu. Pucat je. 

Ramai org dtg tgk nenek haritu. Sume sedih nek. Drg sume sygkan nenek. Besar btol keluarga kte kan? Cucu cicit sume dtg nk cium nenek. Mama, mama nino, mamu nan, mamu man, kala chom, kala jija, mak long lagi sedih psl drg dah tkde mak lagi. Hari raya nanti mcm mane eh agaknye nenek tkde. Alhamdulillah Azi dpt bagi nenek duit raya time raya last year psl da start kerje da bole bagi nenek duit hehe. Duit takziah haritu mama suro Azi jaga. Balek bile kira byk gile seh nek, azi hari raya tk pena dpt byk gitu haha!
Azi mintak maaf psl tk dpt solatkan nenek. Timing bende tu lawa je. Tapi nenek tau tk, mufti kite imamkan (kot, ke dtg aje?) solat jenazah nenek tau. Terigt haritu azi gi solat jenazah kwn azi. Nenek kalau jumpe kwn azi Majiidah smpaikan salam kt die ok. Die meninggal minggu sblm tu. Org yg mandikan jenazah nenek ckp kubur nenek dkt dgn kubur Majiidah. 

Berat hati nk tinggalkan kubur nenek haritu. Kan lps org last tinggalkan kubur nenek jalan 7 tapak away dr kubur nenek nanti malaikat dtg nk soal. In sya Allah nenek dpt jwb sume soalan die. Nenek kan muslimah solehah. Slalu solat dhuha. slalu baca yasin.
Maseh igt lagi suara nenek nyanyikan ilahilas tu lil firdaus bile nk tidurkan kte. Hari yg kte dpt berita tu tros Azi download lagu tu. Rindu sgt. Nanti bile azi da kahwin da ade kluarga nanti azi pon nk nyanyikan lagu tu kt anak2 azi. Tk sabar rasenye. Nk blg drg, lagu ni moyang drg slalu nyanyikan ibu. 

Azi pengecut sgt nek. Pertama kali ble dpt tau nenek msok hospital haritu azi tk nanges tk ape. Takot sgt. Mcm tnk percaya. Tp alhamdulillah lps tu nenek dpt balek rumah. Tp lps tu lagi azi jauhkan diri azi dr nenek. nenek da mcm org lain. Da lupe2, tk bole jalan, baring je satu hari. Azi kurangajar btol eh nek. Tegur sapa pon tk. Masih tu azi tgh mkn abeh nenek pon mkn skali azi senyap je. Takot sgt tgk nenek. Tp saket2 gitu jgk mesti nenek terasa hati dgn perangai azi eh. Dulu slalu berkepit dgn nenek, da besar tros anggap mcm tkde nenek. Bodoh nah azi ni kan nek. Sakit2 mcm tu pon nenek ni nenek azi jgk. mentang2 da kurus sgt, da lupe2 tros tanak bebual ngn nenek. Tapi percayalah nek, azi btol2 sayangkan nenek. Azi takot nah nenek nk tinggalkan kte psl tu azi slalu marah nenek.  

Sunyi tk sorang2 kt kubur nek? Atok ke malaikat ke ade temankan nenek tk? Tk sempit kan? Azi doa byk2 supaya Allah lapangkan kubur nenek. Takot claustrophobic. Da lah kecik, gelap pulak tu. 

Dulu time kecik azi slalu sorang. Mama ngn abah slalu suro bljr mcm nk rak abeh azi slalu tnk. Slalu kene marah. Time tu, nenek je yg slalu dtg pujuk azi abeh marah mama balek. Entah da brpe byk kali azi ckp nk lari rumah psl sedih nah tkde org phm keadaan azi. tp slalu stop kt pintu abeh tertido kt sane. Psl nenek la azi slalu dtg balek. Psl nenek slalu side ngn azi. Syg btol nenek kat azi eh? Hehe. Psl tu la azi skrg pandai berdikari nek. Cume kdg2 sedih jgk lah tkde org nk tolong azi, tkde org phm keadaan azi. kdg2 penat jgk. Tp Allah kan ade. Die slalu tunggu Azi dtg balek pt die kan? 

Nenek tau, time drg letak jenazah nenek kt tgh2 ruma, mama suro nazhir kluar cium nenek. Die kan special sikit nek, die kluar die tgk nenek lps tu die tanye "kenape nenek baring kt tgh2 situ?". Susah nk biken die phm nek. Kte ckp Allah sygkan nenek psl tu die nk nenek tgl dgn Allah. lps tu nazhir tanye balek kenape Allah syg nenek? Die mcm tk suke gitu Allah amek balek nenek haha. Bile azi tanye die, nazhir syg nenek tk, die kate die sayang nenek. Sape lagi nk marah die bile die lari2 kt dlm ruma kan hahahaha 

Nek, azi janji, azi akan cuba bacakan nenek surah yasin, doakan nenek, bacakan alfatihah utk nenek kalau azi igt ok. Azi pon janji azi nk cuba jd muslimah yg lagi baik, jd azi bole jumpe nenek nanti kt syurga kan. nanti dpt jumpe atuk skali. tk pernah azi jumpe atuk. sume kate atuk suke belikan gula2 utk smrg. tk dpt azi rase hehe. cpt sgt kan die pergi?

Nenek pon same, cpt nah nenek pergi. Tk dpt tgk ani kahwin. Tk dpt tgk Azi kahwin (calon pon blm dpt nek hehe tp janji azi tk amek org korea yg tk pandai cebok. tu bedek je lah nenek hehe tu setakat tgk ngn mata je. kalau nk kahwin kene pilih yg alim skt hehe). nanti sblm azi kahwin nanti azi bwk calon tu gi jumpe nenek dulu k. critekan psl nenek kesayangan azi ni. nk namakan anak azi rabiah jgk boleh tk hehehe 

Skrg sape aje nk tido dlm bilik nenek. kalau bole azi nk, tp takot. takot skjp2 nanges pikirkan nenek. nenek pergi dr ktrg secara terkejut sgt nek. mama sedih gile dlm kereta haritu. nazhir lg heran, knp smrg nanges. 

Nek, kalau boleh carik lah azi dlm mimpi azi. Rindu sgt. Bagi lah azi lepaskan rindu utk kali terakhir. Azi nk peluk nenek. Nk salam cium nenek. Nenek srg je tau yg azi peluk cium slalu.  

Ok lah nek. Da tk tau ape lg nk ckp dgn nenek. Azi sayangkan nenek tau. Jgn lupe.
Assalamualaikum.

Assalamualaikum,

On 14/10/14, I lost a friend.

I woke up the next morning, absolutely shocked by the news. It was an unexpected death. She was always sick, but I had not known that it had gotten so bad.

She was 21.

I was not that close to her. But in a madrasah community, classmates are practically family. We might not have been close but there were so many precious memories shared together as a class.

She was a strong one.

Most of the time, she had this determined look on her face. She was weak in some subjects but she never backed down. She always asked questions, asked for help from other classmates, always determined to understand what was being taught. Academics were never her forte, but that didn't stop her from trying.

She wasn't the type of religious person who was in her own little world, nope. She was a strong devout, definitely, but that didn't stop her from having fun with the rest of us, joking around, playing along with our silly pranks and games- and our class was known for that, haha!

It's been years since I last saw her. Both times my other class/batchmates went to see her were during Hari Raya Visiting last 2 years ago and another visit god knows when.

I think it's the saddest when you go and take a look at her Facebook, seeing her old posts and whatsapp, seeing her name and number still a part of our class whatsapp.

But Allah loves her more. And she deserved to be loved. She was loyal, determined, optimistic, intelligent, matured. She was a normal teenager, with a desire to go through life normally, studies, work, working towards her dream, getting married.. But I trust that Allah has better things in store for her in Akhirah.

To be honest, the news still has yet to sink in even after going to the mosque for the solat jenazah. I didn't get to see her for the last time cos I could only take time off for about 2 hours from work. And, well.. yeah. I still can't believe it. Denial stage I guess, haha.

To be honest (again), I didn't really cry when I first got the news. It didn't sink in. It was just like reading a storybook and you got to know one of the characters died. But just now during the prayers when the mufti read the prayers for her, it was so difficult to keep the sobs in. I cried for the times we spent together. For her family, friends, loved ones. For the future she could never have. For all the people's lives that she touched. It really made me insaf and look back and reflect at what I've been doing these past few years. Am I doing the right thing? Am I working towards Jannah? Have I been too complacent?

I don't know, god I really don't know. My mind is a mess right now, I'm at work and trying to do work haha but to no avail. Headache in the taxi just now....... Sighpie.

For those who are reading, if you don't mind, please sedekahkan surah Al-fatihah for my dear friend Almarhumah Majiidah binte Khamsani

Perspectives

Assalamualaikum

..........................................

Frankly, I haven't the slightest clue where to begin.

I think it's really quite apparent that I resort to blogging only when something is really bugging me and affecting me. So I think I'll start with a summary of what's been going on in my life.

I have more or less adapted to work. I'm already 5 months into the job and it has it's up and downs. The cases that I am taking on are slowly becoming more challenging, and I really do appreciate the opportunity for growth these cases are providing me with. To be honest, I am still contemplating on whether to continue in this line of work. But let's just shove that worry until next year, when I really need to think about it shall we? I like the work that I do, I love love love my colleagues for making work fun, I love my boss for not being one of those cliche bosses but instead being a very understanding and at times just non-boss-like. If given a choice I wouldn't trade colleagues like them for any other workplace.

There IS one thing though that could possibly change everything, which is my decision on whether to pursue this line of work. I am still uncertain. I don't feel like my passion for helping people is strong enough for me to want to put my emotions on the line for the sake of others.

I recently had to deal with a very.. difficult situation that tested everything, my patience my anger my passion towards work, everything. I freaking broke down in front of my supervisor and put my heart on my sleeve, confessing to him about all my uncertainties, fears, stories that I have never ever told anyone. And I think I had a little counseling session (lol- it's sometimes hilarious in this line of work when you notice your colleagues using counseling techniques when talking to you) which puts things (mainly my fears) into perspective, which really helped a lot. But as I went home and sat down on a bench a few blocks away from my home (I moved from the playground slide to here- which did not go so well, people passed by and looked at me weirdly -_- I think I shall go back to my slide, no matter how dark and scary it is), I still felt them. The fear, the uncertainty- but in a new light. But it didn't stop me from still feeling the trauma and pain of the event.

Luckily, it was already the weekend, plus Monday was a public holiday so I had more time to reflect and decide on how to move on.

One thing that I realized, that has been constant throughout all the painful episodes that I have had over the years, was that I always found my solution in Allah.

But it just took a while for me to realize it every time.

But believing in Him and believing that all these pain will pass and a new experience would be gained, gave me so much relief and awareness. He will never burden me more than I can bear. All these pain and suffering He put me through is just a way for Him to reel me back in to the correct path, one of which I have been neglecting, admittedly. I have been relying too much on myself and my perceived strengths that I forgot that I am not perfect, and when you rely on something that is not perfect, you will get disappointed. The only one thing that you should rely on is Allah, because He is perfect and He will never disappoint. Even if you are being put in a situation that doubts this notion but the beautiful thing is trust. Trust in Allah that no matter the disappointment, He has bigger things in store for you. Without this trust, everything will crumble. But with this trust everything gives you hope, no matter how excruciating the pain, how empty the feeling of hopelessness the situation inflicts on you. Allah has bigger things in mind for you, as long as you believe in Him.

Life changing, I know.

Took me a while to process this. I spent 2 days being so down and depressed. And never in my life have I ever been that depressed to the point that smiling required a huge effort, talking made me want to gag, looking into people's eyes was a huge chore. I just wanted to shut down from the world, more than anything. I have never had to want to sit down somewhere alone to drown in my sadness and pain. I think this was the first time I didn't want to just go home and sleep because I knew I wouldn't be able to unless I processed everything. On Thursday night, I was so bothered that I just stopped under my block, decided that I needed some time alone and went to the nearest playground and lay down on the slide looking at the stars. Which were not there btw, pft.

Okay then. Writing this post helps me put things into perspective too. The other day at the slide I had to write my thoughts down on a piece of receipt from prata planet rofl. Luckily I had a pen! In the end I bought a notebook to lug around everywhere.

Let's just pray for the best in everything and that we will all never lose our way.
Amin.