Perspectives

Assalamualaikum

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Frankly, I haven't the slightest clue where to begin.

I think it's really quite apparent that I resort to blogging only when something is really bugging me and affecting me. So I think I'll start with a summary of what's been going on in my life.

I have more or less adapted to work. I'm already 5 months into the job and it has it's up and downs. The cases that I am taking on are slowly becoming more challenging, and I really do appreciate the opportunity for growth these cases are providing me with. To be honest, I am still contemplating on whether to continue in this line of work. But let's just shove that worry until next year, when I really need to think about it shall we? I like the work that I do, I love love love my colleagues for making work fun, I love my boss for not being one of those cliche bosses but instead being a very understanding and at times just non-boss-like. If given a choice I wouldn't trade colleagues like them for any other workplace.

There IS one thing though that could possibly change everything, which is my decision on whether to pursue this line of work. I am still uncertain. I don't feel like my passion for helping people is strong enough for me to want to put my emotions on the line for the sake of others.

I recently had to deal with a very.. difficult situation that tested everything, my patience my anger my passion towards work, everything. I freaking broke down in front of my supervisor and put my heart on my sleeve, confessing to him about all my uncertainties, fears, stories that I have never ever told anyone. And I think I had a little counseling session (lol- it's sometimes hilarious in this line of work when you notice your colleagues using counseling techniques when talking to you) which puts things (mainly my fears) into perspective, which really helped a lot. But as I went home and sat down on a bench a few blocks away from my home (I moved from the playground slide to here- which did not go so well, people passed by and looked at me weirdly -_- I think I shall go back to my slide, no matter how dark and scary it is), I still felt them. The fear, the uncertainty- but in a new light. But it didn't stop me from still feeling the trauma and pain of the event.

Luckily, it was already the weekend, plus Monday was a public holiday so I had more time to reflect and decide on how to move on.

One thing that I realized, that has been constant throughout all the painful episodes that I have had over the years, was that I always found my solution in Allah.

But it just took a while for me to realize it every time.

But believing in Him and believing that all these pain will pass and a new experience would be gained, gave me so much relief and awareness. He will never burden me more than I can bear. All these pain and suffering He put me through is just a way for Him to reel me back in to the correct path, one of which I have been neglecting, admittedly. I have been relying too much on myself and my perceived strengths that I forgot that I am not perfect, and when you rely on something that is not perfect, you will get disappointed. The only one thing that you should rely on is Allah, because He is perfect and He will never disappoint. Even if you are being put in a situation that doubts this notion but the beautiful thing is trust. Trust in Allah that no matter the disappointment, He has bigger things in store for you. Without this trust, everything will crumble. But with this trust everything gives you hope, no matter how excruciating the pain, how empty the feeling of hopelessness the situation inflicts on you. Allah has bigger things in mind for you, as long as you believe in Him.

Life changing, I know.

Took me a while to process this. I spent 2 days being so down and depressed. And never in my life have I ever been that depressed to the point that smiling required a huge effort, talking made me want to gag, looking into people's eyes was a huge chore. I just wanted to shut down from the world, more than anything. I have never had to want to sit down somewhere alone to drown in my sadness and pain. I think this was the first time I didn't want to just go home and sleep because I knew I wouldn't be able to unless I processed everything. On Thursday night, I was so bothered that I just stopped under my block, decided that I needed some time alone and went to the nearest playground and lay down on the slide looking at the stars. Which were not there btw, pft.

Okay then. Writing this post helps me put things into perspective too. The other day at the slide I had to write my thoughts down on a piece of receipt from prata planet rofl. Luckily I had a pen! In the end I bought a notebook to lug around everywhere.

Let's just pray for the best in everything and that we will all never lose our way.
Amin.