Change

Assalamualaikum!

Back to this blog as I feel like I need an outlet to clear my thoughts. Things have been going by very fast lately with the conclusion of poly life, a few months break, my korea trip, and very recently, the beginning of adulthood by starting my bond with my current workplace.

There is something that I absolutely hate about myself is my resistance to change. I know that it is unavoidable, as you grow up and pass through various stages in life. But I realized that every time a change occurs in my life (transferring of schools, internships etc), I will find it very difficult to adapt. And those few weeks or months will be a very depressing time for me as I will be very pessimistic and will have to literally drag myself to work or to school, whatever. Of course, during those times, I will usually increase my supplications, spend a little more time praying but you know, the pain still lingers.

I remember crying after my first day of transferring secondary schools because none of my old school friends contacted me to ask me how I was etc, but it got to a point where I gave up on my ego and called them up myself to talk.

My first internship was also a struggle since I was alone and because of the treatment I received there. But one thing that made it better was a very good friend of mine who happened to be interning at another office of the same organization. We always went to work and back home together so we managed to talk it out and by the end of attachment, I decided to ignore the feeling of nonacceptance and do my own work.

My second internship was a bit more difficult. I couldn't seem to find something to busy myself in to take away the pain of change. Negative thoughts drowned me for the first few months- mostly of regret. Why did I take this bond, why was I so stupid to not have thought through everything properly before making a decision, the 1.5hr journey to and fro was torturous. I was tired and drained every day even though i wasn't really doing much work in the office. I was very detached from my family because I go out early and came home late. I hated it, i hated every single bit. But towards the end of attachment, I gradually got used to the tiredness and completed my attachment.

Since I haven't been going out much during the break after that, I eventually got used to doing my own things and relaxing at home without an inch of worry. I went for my korea trip, enjoyed the hell out of myself there and returned.

And now, the beginning of my bond at my second internship organization. And IT STARTS AGAIN. That regret, that anxiety, that lethargic feeling, that dragging yourself out of bed, that 1.5hr journey to and fro. Too much negative feelings again and I really hate it. I hate myself for being in such a state because it's so painful.

And then I began to reflect, what is it that I'm feeling? What are these negative feelings all about?

1) My workplace is located very far. Like the work isn't potentially stressful enough, I take a total of 3 hours everyday to travel to and fro. Which leads to lack of time for myself, my family, my friends.

2) Lack of confidence for this line of work. I even began to doubt my future career. Am I really suited to become a social worker? Okay so I have mostly decided to continue in this sector but not in generalist work. So why the hell am I here. Why the hell was I so stupid to make the decision 3 years ago to sign up for the bond when my family could afford the polytechnic fees. I secretly blamed my parents for not giving me enough guidance during that period of time. They had no time to attend to my worries and gave me the independence to decide on everything on my own. 17 is really not the age for one to be making unsupervised decisions like this.

3) Fear of adulthood. I could make it through internship because it was my responsibility as a student. But now, I am working and the responsibility that I have now is that of an adult's. Which is like 10 times more heavy. There wasn't really any transition between my teenage years and my adulthood. For normal people, I would suggest that after poly, please apply for jobs that are fairly easier and slowly transition into more challenging jobs. Being a social work associate who is responsible to help a maximum of 40 clients, just the thought of it makes me scared.

And everything basically summarizes to resistance to change, particularly my reluctance to let go of my studying days and having to go out of my comfort zone and start work, and start using my brain.

I guess knowing this about myself is good, self-awareness is always good but I really wonder how can I make this a less stressful experience because I will be going through changes in the future, it is totally inevitable.

Solution #1 is of course increase in my worship. And I have been doing that. I find that it helps a little bit to remember that whenever I feel lonely, I shouldn't because Allah trusts me to be able to go through all of it. And the benefits of going through it with patience will be much more than the suffering that I am going through.

Solution #2. Okay I have a confession. There is this little mind palace that I have created for myself ever since... Idk late secondary days? But I find that I have been going to this mind palace more often during my poly life. Anyway basically this mind palace is something that I daydream about, no wait, more of someone that I created in my mind that consoles me and makes me feel better whenever I'm down. So I resort to this person to help calm me down and make me feel comfortable again. I know I'm too old to have an imaginary friend but I find that it really helps calm me down. He disappears when things are going on fine in my life though. Comes more often when I'm facing difficult emotional struggles like these. But I go through life just fine without him so I'm not like, schizophrenic or something. I can't see him and I know he's not real haha it's just for a piece of mind.

Solution #3 is talking to someone. That was what I did for my first attachment which made the burden less heavy but I have yet to do that now because I feel like every time I act out the talk in my mind, I always seem to have the answer already in my head.

So yup, no conclusion as of now. It's been a while since I updated this dusty ol' blog. Nothing much to do today and this week since it's orientation week. It's always the most boring week. And the most painful week because I have no work and too much time so I tend to... think too much. Pray that it gets better next week. I'm a bit torn about this, I want more work to keep me occupied so I don't think too much BUT I'm scared that work will be too stressful and too much for me.

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, TO HELL WITH ALL OF THIS I AM SO TIRED OF THINKING TOO MUCH T_T I'm just gonna crawl back to my mind palace, bye.