Musings.

Assalamualaikum,

Ah, the time has come for a very reflective post. I've been having a lot of thoughts in my mind that I need to straighten out. I've been asking myself questions, very reflective questions that have been making me.. well, question myself about who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be.

To begin, I'll ask myself, how did this even start? Why the sudden need to reflect? What happened?
Well, lots of things happened. University happened. Friends happened. CCA happened. Life happened. It's been a whirlwind of changes and I've been discovering more about myself throughout. I've never been one to step outside my comfort zone and try something new. I preferred stability, homeostasis, comfort. But then university happened and I thought, hey, this is probably your last chance at doing things that you've always wanted to do. By the time you graduate, you'll be working, getting married, having children. So let's get out of this rock and just go for it. And so I did, but a question that nagged me every time was that, are my intentions right? Am I joining CCA just to find potential suitors? Or do I want to contribute to the community? Or do I want to continue to surround myself with righteous people who will remind me of the right path? Or do I want to gain more friends and gain popularity? And when I think about it, every single question I stated just now was true. Some might me wrong, some might be right. But I can't lie to myself and act as if I'm doing this for all the right reasons when it's actually a combination of both. What's so wrong with that?

Well, nothing. I'm human. I'm not perfect and I acknowledge that. I might be partly doing it for the wrong reasons now but I am aware of it and hope that it will serve as a constant reminder to do it for the right reasons instead. Idk if that made any sense but it does to me haha. I guess it's just a way of normalizing my actions and thoughts because, no one is perfect. What you can do is constantly try and perfect yourself and your iman and deen but sometimes you will stumble and during those trying times, that thought, that realization/awareness that your initial intentions were skewed will make you return to the right reasons.

Another example, and this one I am basically pouring my heart out here. I.. have taken a liking to someone haha. And I hate it. I hate the obsession that comes along with liking someone. That constant need to be validated, that constant need to attract their attention, that longing. It's making me hate myself and what I do to achieve it.

If I were to like someone, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with them. If they liked me enough, then they would say their intentions to me, to get to know me and then we'll see how it goes.

I don't want to exchange lovey dovey text messages, good night messages, good morning messages. I want messages like whether i've prayed, i want our text messages to be discussions about life, about God, about our goals in life to see if we match well.

Right now I am so consumed by my attraction to him, and I hate it. So what do I do? I did what I did the last time I really liked someone. I prayed. I asked God, if this guy was really meant for me, if his name is the name that's written on the Luh Mahfuz for me, then open his heart for me. But if he's not, then close up my heart for him. Take me away from him, distance him from me. Look at it this way, if the guys really isn't meant for you and you end up spending time and effort on a relationship that ended up not working out.. isn't it a waste of time? isn't it a disgrace to your future husband, somewhat? I would want to keep myself pure for my future husband because he deserves it. He deserves the best from me, he deserves my firsts and my lasts, my loyalty, my devotion. So if this guy that I'm crushing on isn't really the one for me then I don't want to even start anything with him.

Even if the guy IS meant for me but Allah thinks that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship then I also pray to Him to keep me away from the person. Because then I'll only do wrong for him. I want to be a support to him, I want him to be my partner in getting Allah's blessings and pleasure, I want us to work together to become better Muslims and remind each other to remain on the right path. If Allah thinks that I'm not ready, then wouldn't i be doing more harm than good if i enter into a relationship prematurely? No one deserves that. I do not want to be the person to lead others to do wrong deeds. I do not want to be the person that distracts others from doing the right thing, from their own worship.

So I pray to God to lead me to right path and back then, He really did. The guy (the previous one not the current one) like.. really.. disappeared lol. And even though i was heartbroken, a little bit cheated but I was so thankful that it stopped before things progressed even further.

And right now, I am praying for the exact same thing. I think I'll be more heartbroken this time but really, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be Azlin. When the time comes for you to deal with the heartbreak, then you deal with it. You cry, you get sad but you HAVE to get over it and move on because life does not revolve around getting a life partner. You have so many things that you want to achieve in life, focus on that. Focus on your relationship with Allah.

And this, has led me to string of reflections:

The first question that I asked myself, what sort of person do I want to become?
Well first of all, I don't want to be a hypocrite. I hold strong values on certain issues and my biggest regret is not following some of them. I know exactly where my weaknesses are and yet I'm not doing anything about it. It's either that or I've tried so many times but always end up in the same cycle, being distracted and falling back to my old ways.

Involving myself in CCAs have made me realize how much i love making new friends. but what do i want to do with having new friends? I want to make dakwah to them. I want to be the kind of person who invites them to religious talks, encourage them to think about what they want to do in life, support them in the things that they are doing right, advise them on the things they are doing wrong. I want to lead people to the right path. I love seeing people happy. I love seeing them do good things. I love seeing their strength, their resilience, their determination. I get inspired. I get closer to God. I realized that the peak of my iman was in Secondary school when i was constantly surrounded by people of faith. And I sort of want that again. But i don't want to just be surrounded by them, my dream is to be that person who is one of them. If i were to go back to an islamic environment, i would only be benefitting myself and not others. But i love to share good stuff with others. So why not surround myself in another setting and create that kind of setting myself? I'm not the most perfect person to do it but i think i am reflective enough to be able to do it. And I guess this will be my goal haha! That's the kind of person that I want to become.

I've always found it difficult to commit to prayers. This is a huge huge huge problem for me. I end up being distracted by life, by my efforts in becoming a righteous person, by my goals in life (which ironically related back to Allah) but sometimes, i can't for the life of drag myself to pray on time, or to even pray for that matter.

I went for this talk the other day, and it struck me when the Ustaz said that missing your prayers is a debt. You can't just pray to Allah if you've missed your prayers and hope that He will forgive you. He will, but you will still have to pay it back. The concept of being indebted to someone, just because you borrowed money from someone and couldn't pay it back doesn't mean that you don't need to pay it back. you still have to. and that really struck me man. and struck another lazy chord in me. but this is really something i need to work on, pronto.

Tbh, I love praying. I love communicating with Allah. I love thanking Him, saying my love for Him. I love the feeling of fulfilment that it gives me. It makes me so happy after a fulfilling prayer session. It's just that I am just so distracted most of the time by life that i can't focus and when i can't focus, i get lazy. So thought of listing some reasons to psycho myself into praying a fulfilling prayer.

Why do I want to communicate to Allah? Why should I put 100% of my focus into prayers? 
1. To thank Him. He has blessed me with uncountable blessings that I can't even begin to share. My family, friends, my country, my body, my brain, my religion, my Prophet. Imagine giving birth to a child and raising him up only for him to forget about you. How would you feel? Betrayed? Hopeless? Angry? Well, imagine how Allah feels whenever i miss my prayers or when i forget about Him? So what can we do to show our appreciation? We pray.
2. To say sorry to Him. We commit so many sins on a daily basis. I would say one of the biggest wrongdoing would be forgetting him when we go about in life. When everything that we do should have a purpose, and that is Allah. To serve Him, to please Him, to gain His barakah. Make it a habit to think about Him in every single thing that you do. Put reminders if you must, in your phone, on your table, on your mirror, everything. Let Him guide the way you interact with people, the way you speak, the way you do things.
3. To ask Him for things. the most important one being, to lead us to the right path.
4. To tell Him about my day. Share your happiness, your sadness, your anger. Because He is the one you should go to when you have problems.

Alright, this post is getting a little bit haywire, same with my thoughts and I'm sort of sleepy right now and I hafta wake up early to sahur later. Until the next time, maybe I'll have the motivation to edit this post into a more structured one haha. I should really continue updating more often, my writing and speaking skills have been rotting, like I seriously have trouble communicating my thoughts a lot of times and end up sounding like a bimbo haha.

Till the next time!
Assalamualaikum.