Finally have some time to blog properly :D Went out just now to send Amin and his friend back to KL after the short visit. Didn't even get to talk to Amin properly bcos I was too lazy to put on tudung and go out since his friend was there. Nvm, there's facebook and whatsapp!
Anyway, as an effort to improve myself, I've been borrowing these educational books that I found in Tampines Library. I swear, that library has tons of awesome books that sometimes I just feel like spending the whole day there to read. But there's no musollah there and the nearest one is in Tampines Mall which.. I have to walk quite far so nevermind then, maybe when I'm ABC (Allah Bagi Cuti < I got that from a book hehe)
Baby steps, that's what I've been telling myself. I've been studiously reading articles at iluvislam.com and sometimes.. okay I can't remember what the English word is for it but- aku rasa terkilan. They keep saying how Allah should be out entertainment when bored, and we should spend that time not with facebook-ing, tweet-ing etc. BUT I'M NOT READY FOR THAT YET. My free time is mostly spent listening to music especially which I think, I still have a long way to go before letting go of it. Which made me conclude that I'm still attached to this world, this temporary world. Which I'm not supposed to be. But I'm not ready to let it go yet so I'm like super torn right now!
Alhamdulillah, my efforts have been going well so far, since I have a lot of time because it's holidays. But I AM SUPER WORRIED WHEN SCHOOL REOPENS. In school there's no sense of emergency for me to pray immediately, so many things that keeps me distracted from remembering Allah, so many distractions which I myself felt when I came back to school to plan the juniors' orientation. I keep forgetting my boundaries. I keep wanting to get involved. I keep wanting to fit in. This is really a huge problem for me, studying in a public school. I do all those things and at the end of the day when I look back, I feel so guilty but there's nothing that pulls me back to realize what I'm doing at that time. If anyone has any solutions for me, please do tell.
There's still so much that I'm learning and I'm really trying hard. I don't want to stray from this path, not now not ever. But I don't blame the course or the school etc because this course has really changed me for the better, learning about people and how to give back to the community. I brought up my concerns about this course before to my parents, how I wanted something more religion oriented and suggested going to UIA after this but they assured me that what I'm doing right now is already sufficient and giving back to the community will reward me in many ways.
Anyway one of the changes that I've gone through after studying here is, LESS CURSING. My mouth was a shotgun of curses and mind you, not light ones either. I think it's mostly because majority of my friends here don't curse much so I've gotten used to it and I cringe now when I hear someone curse or I myself let one slip. I should keep in mind not to watch dramas often because dramas make the curses come back, and not just a few either. Those hair tugging scenes, argh.
So, yes anonymous (referring to the person who commented on my tagboard), Syukran for your advice, the cursing part was the first step, now the next step is to use better language that will remind me of Allah whenever I speak, and do it without feeling awkward. Which I am still puzzled about how to speak whenever I'm in front of my non-Muslim friends, since they won't understand what I'm talking about haha! And to say it so nonchalantly such that no one will notice when before the way I speak was quite harsh, especially with close friends.
Something that I've learnt while in this course is that what you say, can really affect the receiver. No matter how much you think it's such a little matter, for example calling someone "idiot", it can really affect the other end without you noticing. And it can affect them so much to the point that it will also affect their self-esteem so you have to be super careful when you speak. Especially if you are someone the person holds dear to his/her heart. They usually take your comments to heart, so don't disappoint them ;D
Another thing that I'm working on, is how to be braver. I am actually quite scared, of going up front to talk, to participate, to voice out my opinions. Why? I don't like it when I'm not prepared. I'm not scared during presentations because I know that I've prepared for it beforehand but for things like impromptu talking, participating, I try super hard to avoid it. Simply because I know I'm not prepared and I know that I'll mess up. I want to be like those people who can lead others, and are brave in whatever they do despite the fact that they will make mistakes. Those people really have this charisma that I adore and aspire to have. But I really don't know how either so haha yeah.
It's really frustrating how I'm applying to volunteer at so many places but none of them are replying to me >:( I really want to use volunteering as an outlet for me to be thankful for what I have. But the opportunities so far are zilch. I'm not considering those volunteering CCAs in school or the Muslim society because, there's one thing that since before that I am very particular about which is Ikhtilat. I don't like it when events are held with both boys and girls. That's why I will never join those youth groups at mosques. Actually, it's okay if they're held together but when they are grouped together to do something, ah that's something I really really don't like. I think it's just the after-effect of being in a girls' school for so long but yeah, I prefer my own kind thank you very much haha. Of course, classmates are exempted because we have to, but extra-curricular, something that I have the ability to choose to attend, no thank you.
And now you know the reason why I have such little guy friends haha! No wait, I mentioned it before in the previous posts. Haha! Doa je lah aku akan dapat jodoh satu hari nanti lah ye :p
Oh oh and another thing that I want to raise up here before I go have dinner and end this post! I like to do my prayers etc, ALONE. As in ngaji alone in an empty room, pray in an empty room (unless I do jamaah prayers lah, not that I don't like praying as jamaah, it's just that when I pray alone, I really like to do it alone.), doa in an empty room etc. No distractions, nothing. That's why I like going to the Johor house, I have my privacy there. But here in Singapore, rarely ever do I have privacy considering the number of people living under one household. It makes me really distracted! Okay that's just my opinion hehe.
Alright off to eat dinner, maybe read a bit and go to sleep. Till I blog again!
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