It's been a while since I've updated! I've been busy cramming for exams lately. So many things to study but I'm on track. Study schedule planned out, first level of revisions mostly done. And I actually finished studying Marketing a week before the upcoming test! SO PROUD OF MYSELF. The following days, I'll just try to puke out everything that I can remember on a blank piece of paper to refresh the knowledge.
There's no school today! After I complained to Saras about Wednesday being totally pointless because there's only one period of presentation by another group, she pushed back the presentation to the day after so TADAH! I'm at home and self-care-ing xD Intended to study but the laptop got the better of me. Plus I had the liberty of sleeping in so.... I finally got out of bed at like.... 1pm? HAHA.
It's fasting month already and so far so good. I admit, I haven't been doing a lot of ibadah since it started because I'm so caught up with studying for exams :( Because every semester, no, every exam, I make it a point to study really hard, pushing aside everything else- outings, anime, mangas etc. And in this case, even extra ibadah. But I really do hope that my studying will also be considered as ibadah. Wallahu A'lam.
This Friday marks the end of my presentations! YAY! It's programme planning and we're supposed to do a reflection about it. I plan to go scriptless since it's just talking about what we planned and I know everything by heart. But it's still in the works, planning what to present now.
So far, life's been good. School is back to awesome :D Since I've passed those projects-saturated weeks, I'm more happy now hehe. A burden off the shoulders!
I do feel like I'm distancing away from someone. But then again, I've never been too attached to someone. Honestly. Okay, once. In early sec school. But after I transferred schools and went to poly and yada yada yada, I can honestly say that right now, I'm not attached to anyone. Not the boyfriend-girlfriend type but the close-friend-whom-you're-always-talking-to type.
I know, I've always been very.. independent. I don't rely on anyone on anything. Personal problems- I make it a point to not burden other people with it and handle it on my own. NEVER have I been to someone, asking for help because of personal problems. That's why people always see me as happy, problem-free. But in reality, I do have issues sometimes but I guess I hide it well. Something about my classmates is that when someone is having problems, YOU CAN SEE IT. You can sense it. You will definitely know because there's this 180 degrees change in the person's attitudes. But for me, I don't think so. I hide it. And that's why I'm not attached to anyone.
Even if I feel like someone is distancing away from me, I don't really mind because the person has the rights to spend more time with other people that she cares for. But of course, for those who have been super close with the person, I can totally understand how it'll hurt them.
It's sort of sad actually. This situation I'm in. I don't really make the effort even to get close with anyone. And that's why I rarely text and call people roflmao. Like...... forever alone! I don't know whether I'm scared of getting too attached or just plain lazy to make the extra effort... HAHAHA. I think it's the latter HAHAHAHAH.
This struck me hard because I remember somewhere in this sem someone asked everyone like who is the person that you'd go to when you have problems and I'm there like.... No one. And I felt nothing about it. Not lonely or anything. It's just how I roll. The most is I'd write it down in my diary.
Ahhh my diary. I write in it ONLY when I have problems. And after writing I'd feel okay already. Like I've unleashed everything and locked it in there for no one to read. And... that's why my diary doesn't have that many entries HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA.
But so far I'm thankful for the fairly peaceful life I've been living. Yes, I've been through some major ups and downs but I learned from them and thanked them for making me who I am now. And I went through all those ups and downs alone so I'm used to it.
I think it's been like this since I was small. My sister isn't much of a support for me, especially since I was the rebellious kid who was always getting scolded and slapped around. I won't call it abuse lah but I still remember the slaps and drags I'd gotten over the years. But all those times, I self-regulated myself with no support from anyone. And since small as in since, what, K2? I think my way of thinking matured very fast because of that. I'd feel a lot of strong emotions but at every point I'd always have a self-talk in my head and calmed down on my own.
And yeah, again, it's like... a sad situation. Because all those dramas, novels etc that I've read/watched, people always had this person that they could go to if they had problems. They'd hug the person, talk to the person and they'll feel better. Frankly, I'm jealous.
But I do have someone that I go to if something gets too overwhelming. And that's Allah. I'd sujud during prayers and let out all my sorrows to Him and ensure myself that everything is happening for a reason. Countless times I've bowed down to Allah and cried because I was so messed up. And for all those times, I came out stronger.
Basically, I live by this verse in the Quran:
“Verily, with hardship there is relief.” (94:6)
and
لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).
I'm not a saint. There are times when I feel totally disconnected from Allah and just lived life the way I wanted to. And sometimes I manage to get the connection again. But I was never able to sustain it. So everyday is a struggle for me to maintain it. And I'm always praying that I'll be able to sustain it for the rest of my life.
So yeah. Nothing much to say now. Just felt like updating suddenly. With a post that's actually... useful? YEAH RIGHT HAHAH.
BYE!
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