Climbing the walls

Assalamualaikum,

I had an epiphany last night.

Let's start from the beginning shall we? So. I spent the whole weekend being so restless and anxious because of work. Apparently, boss thinks it's time for me to start taking up counseling cases.

Now, what is up with that.
Not once did I verbalize that I wanted to take up counseling cases.
I did not mention anything about counseling cases when discussing about staff appraisal a few months ago.

I mean, not that I'm rejecting a chance to grow but holy guacamole isn't going straight to counseling cases a bit too fast? I did not expect to get it, obviously. I was told in the beginning of work that SWAs are only supposed to get the financial cases and that was what I came in, expecting to do.

And right now, I'm in a position where I can't really reject. If I do reject, it will make it seem as if I'm pushing away opportunities for growth. If I don't.. then I will just continue to have this emotional struggle for a few months.

And frankly, I am so tired of having to re-adapt to new situations. Just when I thought I was beginning to get the hang of this job, something like this pops up, making me doubt every single decision I've made. I hate that this work requires me to mature faster, put aside my own beliefs for others, basically not letting me act my age. I still want to be immature and follow my feelings and stuff and this job is basically not letting me act my age, which totally sucks. Because I feel like I'm being pushed into acting like someone I'm not. I love helping people but this is just too much emotional stress on me.

And then I began rethinking my decision to join Social Work again. God, I know I'm so fickle minded. Just last week I was so set on taking part time degree for Social Work. But I decided that no, I need to rethink about my goals in life again.

I do not find that this work is making me closer to Allah. Yes, the intention is there. "If anyone fulfills his brother's needs, Allah will fulfill his needs; if one relieves a Muslim of his troubles, Allah will relieve his troubles on the Day of Resurrection". But it's really difficult to keep this in mind when you face so many difficulties in work everyday and eventually I realized that it's actually keeping me away from God.

I'm a very structured and logical person- I understand and compute things better when you tell it to me straight in the face. And I also find most peace in doing direct ibadah rather than doing something that will lead you to doing ibadah. I need to do things directly related so that I won't lose sight of my real goal.

And Social Work doesn't fit into that goal of mine, I concluded.

Which makes me think then, what exactly do I want to do then in this life?

1) I want to be closer to Allah. During my madrasah days, especially during the last year was the period that I felt closest to Allah. Surrounded by people who are working towards the same goal as me. It keeps me grounded and focused. Doing unrelated things, I realized that I get off track very easily and that's when my faith sways. Like really sways. Until Allah decides to give me a huge challenge and that's the only time that I will begin to remember Him again.

2) I want to continue seeking knowledge. I've always had very big thoughts. Like, who is God and why were we created, why was grass created, why were mosquitoes created (I've never really found the answer to this question - until then I will never appreciate their existence) etc.

3) Ultimately, I just want a stable life. I'm tired of changing environments and having to re-adapt. It's so emotionally draining. It makes me feel lonely so many times. I'd rather work on something and perfect it.

So what is the solution to all of this?

To meet 1), I realize and I acknowledge that Social Work is not for me. I can't stand the emotional struggle and my hopes of helping the people/community is not strong to the point that I am willing to give it up for me to achieve my own dreams, which is to be closer to Allah. Which means that I most probably will not continue working here after my bond ends.

For 2), there was one point in my life where I am across the concept of "Philosophy". It just seemed so interesting but a little bit too complex for my yet-to-mature brain at that time. I only borrowed a book from my dad about the basics of Philosophy but did not touch it again after that. Yesterday, after my soul searching, I went to find the book again and read the first chapter and realized that, dear god, this was what I wanted. Granted, I was more interested in Islamic Philosophy and how life works and how this world works, but basic Philosophy was a good start. This one, I'd have to have a little chat with my parents first before doing anything rash.

For 3), the solution I guess goes back to my solution for 1); which is, nah, Social Work is not meant for me. It's in my nature, my personality to be immature at times and this job just ain't doing it for me. I'm tired of acting like a person that I'm not. It's so not congruent to who I am. Granted that it's how I probably would have to be like in the future but definitely not now. I'm already struggling in so many aspects of my life, I don't need another struggle to add on to my shoulders.

I don't know if it's the right decision but then again, who really knows when they've made the right decision? Ultimately, you will just have to wing it and bear the responsibilities of the decisions that you've made in life.

And I really hope that this is for the best.