027; saturday

Today is saturday. Working day. I felt a little moody today.



Just kept doing my job quietly, sometimes joining in the fun, sometimes laughing, sometimes complaining, sometimes wanting to kill people..



Today I felt like killing One Less Lonely Girl because of the unfairness. Idk why. I hate being moody. Maybe because we were short-handed today with a lot of people not coming just now. But I just sang the moodiness off as usual. Singing really makes my mind blank. So it sort of cures the hectic mess in my mind temporarily.



School is starting in a few weeks, idrk how to react. How to make friends, who to make friends with, how to act, how to not act, etc. Honestly I think prayers are the only time when my heart's at ease lately. With work, I don't really get to spend time with my family.. Especially on Saturdays when they go out without me, like today :( I came back home to a mini trampoline and a race track. Now guess whose room those toys are stuffed in? Mine? BINGO. Dad has decided to make my room into a playroom OTL I knew this would happen ;__;



The one week before school reopens, I will spend an hour everyday jogging, seriously. Every day I've been eating sotong ball for breakfast, the Old Chang Kee auntie always remembers me and prepares sotong ball first.



I feel lonely. Left out. I know I have all these friends but they don't.. NEED ME. Like, life would go on like normal without me. They don't need me to go to for their problems, or just share gossip, or ask me out for an outing.. I'm basically useless in their lives, I don't provide them humour or advice or anything just cusses and cusses and endless cusses. I usually just like to listen to whatever you're saying. I'm not the first or second or third person they think of when they want to go out, or when something good/bad happens to them, I'm not the first few people they choose to inform, when they're bored I'm not the first few people that they will disturb. & Trust me, all these facts are true because I've witnessed it myself. I've been feeling like this for a long time now, idk if its irrational or I just expected too much out of 3/2 year friendships. I just feel really pathetic rn. I treasure my friendship with all of you so much but there's just this wall that I can't break through to all of you. Mainly because I've only known you all for like, 3, 2 years and I guess you don't feel comfortable enough to share anything with me? Huh. I've been trying so hard to fit in throughout these 3 years.



It's been heartwrenchingly painful, truly an emotional rollercoaster. & sometimes its too overwhelming, so don't mind the emo-ing. & because I'm trying too hard thats why sometimes I might pass off as bitchy/flirty/etc so I apologise if I have ever pissed you guys off. I think I care about impressions too much. Minus 10 points to me then.



With poly starting, I feel like it's back to square one, having to make friends again, trying to fit in again, now the more difficult with people of different races and religions. Let's just hope I'll make it through without any emotional breakdowns. Those moments are the most painful, by far. It's the kind of pain that no matter what you do, scream, shout, poo, you can't get rid of it and it will keep haunting you.



Argh. I just don't take emotional problems well. At all. How the hell do I become a social worker. Ok wait, I don't really have any intention of being one. If I do get the scholarship, I don't feel like accepting it because I don't feel.. ikhlas towards it. My interest in social work is not.. ikhlas (no, i can't find a suitable English word for it). If I can't keep in control of my emotions, how do I help people control theirs? I love to just, listen, study, memorise. Not handle people. I doa that my poly years will be smooth sailing without me being fickle and doubtful again like now.



I should've just picked biotech. Pft. The worst thing that can happen is me not being satisfied with social work, and go into poly again to take a more general course. Stupid TP never even give me the enrollment package even though i got accepted into Law&Managament and now after the due date to accept, it wrote there as declined or something automatically. Sucks right? I don't really have a backup plan besides studying psychology, and now that everything I've been working so hard for backfired, I'm at a lost. At first I felt demotivated. I really wanted to study psychology and no matter how much that social worker tried to deter me away from psychology, no one can pry me away from it. But now I just feel like forcing myself to just do it and don't make things hard for my parents. I've caused them enough trouble already and I cannot do that anymore especially with Nazhir's condition rn.



3 more days left for work, and the timing has changed from 0830-0700 to 0830-0500! Alhamdulillah! More time to rest! I can also start exercising properly! Alhamdulillah. Alright then, it's almost 3am already. It's been a long time since I wrote a proper blog post. I think I need a psychiatrist to just listen to my crap and advise me. Anyone knows how much it costs?



Okay then. Lail sa'eed. Sayonara.